Knight Rider, NBC, Airs Wednesday 8/7c

Episode: “Knight of the Iguana” (Season 1, Episode 3)

Synopsis: Mike (Justin Bruening) and Zoe (Smith Cho) must travel to an internationally famous surf spot to infiltrate a villainous organization and stop a sinister plot.

Review: Last week I suffered from a liquor shortage. But as I’m getting ready for the latest episode of Knight Rider to begin, I have lined up on my coffee table full bottles of Sailor Jerry’s rum and Skol vodka. In the fridge, I’ve got a full twelve pack of the Beast, a six pack of Miller Genuine Draft Light (trying to watch my figure), and if I run out of all that, I can dip into my girlfriend’s Miller High Life stash.

Wow. Lots of Miller products. I should look into getting an endorsement deal.

I’m going to try to be more restrained tonight, however. I’ve vowed that I am only going to drink when the show is absolutely, unbearably awful.

Tonight’s episode is called “Knight of the Iguana.” This follows episodes entitled, “Knight in Shining Armor,” and “Journey to the End of the Knight.” I suppose if this thing survives past the next three weeks we can expect titles like, “In the Heat of the Knight,” and “Knight Moves.” Then I guess it’s on to “Knight Fever,” “Hard Day’s Knight,” and “MidKnight Train to Georgia.” Personally, I’ll be looking forward to “The Knight They Drove Old Dixie Down” and “You Shook Me All Knight Long.” But I’ll really be stoked to see “Last Knite.”

“Nick at Knite.”

“Children of the Knight: What Music They Make.”

That’ll be an episode where KITT has a one night fling with a hot Dodge Charger and sires a brood of hybrids.

See what I did there?!

For days I could go on.

The show starts with Mike tracking an enemy inside the super secret KITT headquarters/control center. We don’t know who the enemy is, but the music and the low lighting suggest danger. It turns out, though, that it’s just Mike and Billy (Paul Campbell), his computer geek sidekick, playing a game of covert super soaker wars. Billy finds Mike and has him dead to odds with his super-soaker. Before long, they’re squirting each other and giggling like schoolgirls. Seriously.

Their bosses walk in and ask, “What’s going on here?!”

Mike replies, “We’re just blowing off some steam!”

And that’s a shot of Sailor Jerry’s. It goes down smooth with the Beast chaser. First Beast of the night and it’s as crisp as a mountain stream–a mountain stream that’s now two parts mercury thanks to industrial pollution, but a mountain stream nonetheless.

Before long, Mike’s boss is giving him a rundown of his latest mission. He says he’s going to have to travel to an international surf spot (can’t remember the name–in Spain somewhere, I think) to track down a rogue secret agent. Or something like that. I’m distracted because as the boss is describing the mission, he’s pulled up movies of the beaches at the target location on a huge LCD screen. On one of the split screens is a pair of women in skimpy bikinis running down the beach. In slow motion. Baywatch style.

I swear I am not making this up.

And that’s another shot of Sailor Jerry’s.

Ah, Jerry. You are my port in the storm of life.

After the chaser, I have to go to the fridge and grab another Beast. I return to find that Mike has teamed up with Zoe for this mission. And I approve. Because she is hot. Before long, she and Mike are at a beach side hotel posing as newlyweds. She’s wearing jeans with a bikini top. At this point, I’m actually enjoying the show quite a bit. Then the jeans come off and there she is in nothing but a bikini. I’m drinking my Beast quite happily now. The way a person does at a bar when enjoying good times with good friends. Like men do after a long day at the office. Gary Scott Thompson, Knight Rider’s show runner, promised something cool every week. So far, he has not delivered on that promise. But the man knows how to cast a chick who looks good in a bikini. So I raise my can of Beast to Gary Scott Thompson.

Salut!

And I believe that’s officially the last nice thing I’ll have to say about this episode. Because the next thing I know, KITT is pursuing a pickup truck. Through a bunch of twisty dirt roads. It’s a timeless chase scene. And by “timeless,” what I mean to say is that it could have happened on any episode of Hardcastle and McCormick. The cars seem slow. The cuts are so fast you can’t figure out who’s turning where or when or how. And I swear I just saw one of those shots where the camera is mounted to the car’s front fender. Are we not done with the camera mounted on a fender shot yet? It’s the twenty-first century for crying out loud.

Hello, Jerry! That’s two shots. I have to return to the fridge for another Beast. When I return, a bad guy has aimed an RPG at KITT. He fires the rocket and KITT is knocked off of a cliff, leaving nothing but a smoking crater behind. Then on to a commercial break.

I’m drinking Jerry straight from the bottle now. I’m eying the Skol. Vodka is a liquor that pretty much tastes the same whether you’re drinking the expensive stuff or sucking down something from the bargain basement. However, the better brands are made with superior ingredients that help to ensure a much easier hangover. Skol is not one of those brands. If you overdo it with Skol, you’re pretty much guaranteed a rough morning.

But the Sailor Jerry’s is relatively expensive, and I’m about two thirds down the bottle now. So I pick up the Skol and take a shot.

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. I’m staring at the ceiling fan now. It spins. It never stops. Never complains about getting dizzy. Man. I love my ceiling fan.

That’s a whole can of Beast to chase down the Skol, so I’m back to the fridge for a refresher. As I return, we find that KITT was knocked by the missile off of a cliff into the ocean. And now we find that KITT can function as a submersible. Wow. Never seen that before.

Now I’m thinking about Point Break. And when you’re talking about people going undercover to break up a ring of surfer criminals, you pretty much can’t beat Point Break. That was the role of a lifetime for Patrick Swayze. I mean, unless you count Roadhouse, otherwise known as the Citizen Kane of action movies.

Hell, Roadhouse is the Citizen Kane of movies, period. What’s the difference between Roadhouse and Citizen Kane?

Fuck Citizen Kane. That’s the difference.

Show me a man who wouldn’t rather watch Roadhouse five times in a row than watch Citizen Kane once, and do you know what you’ll find?

A woman!

Or, to quote Jack Nicholson from Tim Burton’s Batman:

“A woman!”

And then, suddenly, something happens. It’s what reformed alcoholics would call, “a moment of clarity.” I have a deep understanding of what it means to chase your problems to the bottom of a bottle. I realize that if I continue down this path, I’ll be cutting myself off irretrievably from the people who–

Never mind. That’s passed.

A third of the Skol is gone and I’m down to about three fingers of the Sailor Jerry’s. I belch and crush another Beast can.

A bad guy tries to launch a missile. Mike shoots him. The missile is headed for a nuclear power plant. KITT stops the missile with some sort of focused… energy… beam… wave… thingy.

The bad guys get arrested and Billy says, “They’ll be hanging ten… to twenty!”

Seriously. Somebody wrote that and made poor Paul Campbell say it.

Credits. And that’s it for this week’s episode of Knight Rider. The worst show ever made. By anyone. Including Indian Superman.

I stand up and it’s like I’m on the swirly bridge that Steve Austin had to cross to get to Bionic Bigfoot’s secret hideout. I stumble toward the stairway banister like a drugged Patrick McGoohan on an episode of The Prisoner. I pass out in the bed and it’s all over at last. To sleep, perchance to dream–of a day when Knight Rider is put out of its misery.

Up Next Week: Mike (Justin Bruening) must stop the spread of a computer virus that threatens a total global meltdown. The job gets much harder when KITT (voiced by Val Kilmer) is infected. Meanwhile, Mike’s jealousy begins to show when Sarah (Deanna Russo) reconnects with an old flame (guest star Jeffrey Pierce, “The Nine”), who may be the key to solving the latest mission.

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Did you watch Knight Rider this week? If so, feel free to discuss below.