Top Ten: Hot Chicks, Bad Movies

Posted by Fat Guys at the Movies (fatguys@filmschoolrejects.com) on September 21, 2007

Hollywood is full of hot actresses. Unfortunately, these hotties don’t always land in the best films. Some of them seem to make an art form out of choosing crappy movies.

As the Fat Guys tried to come up with a Top Ten list of Jessica Alba films, we realized that she may have been in more than ten films but she really hasn’t been in ten good ones. That inspired us to give a nod to these hot actresses who never seem to land in enough good films, but we like looking at them anyway.

The list is ranked not necessarily by hotness, but rather by which name makes us the most sure any film they appear in will stink.

10. Dina Meyer

This looker had every chance to get in a hit in the 1990s, from Starship Troopers to Johnny Mnemonic, she had a knack for choosing the script that would stink. When the pinnacle of your career is Saw, your career has a problem.

9. Jessica Biel

Who out there can deny Jessica Biel’s hotness? Likewise, who out there can deny her anointed celebrity status? But with all that power, can’t she have some responsibility for choosing better films? After Stealth, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Rules of Attraction and now Next, we have little hope for her movies.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Yes, she’s done some decent films like Office Space, but that was good in spite of her acting. In those dark days when agents were frantically trying to spin the Friends onto the silver screen, Aniston was one of the most prolific, and had one of the worst records. Dare we remember Picture Perfect, She’s the One and The Good Girl?

7. Elisha Cuthbert

Yes, her bit part in Old School was funny, and The Girl Next Door was decent, but it seems nowadays that anything Elisha Cuthbert is in, especially if it’s a horror flick, means it will suck hard. She started the trend with House of Wax and continues unabated with Captivity.

6. Jessica Alba

Let’s be honest… the Fat Guys love Jessica Alba, and any movie that features her in tight or revealing outfits has a certain value. And that’s what is responsible for the ticket sales to movies like Honey, Into the Blue and this week’s Good Luck Chuck.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Like many of the ladies on this list, Jennifer Love Hewitt has some decent films. But she pretty much peaked with House Arrest and Can’t Hardly Wait. With ill-fated sequels like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, awful adaptations like Garfield and stinker celebrity vehicles like The Tuxedo, the Fat Guys think her career could only be saved with a good nude scene.

4. Milla Jovovich

Fat Guy Neil Miller refuses to pronounce her name correctly, and that’s in protest for the long line of stinkers this hottie has been in. Resident Evil 1 and 2, Ultraviolet and The Fifth Element top this list.

3. Jennifer Lopez

We know we’re gonna get flamed for this one. Yes, we know she’s a diva. Yes, we know she’s got an annoying voice. Yes, we know her ass is going to open up like a parachute after she gains all this new baby weight. But she’s still hot. And we all have to admit that when you hear the name of Jennifer Lopez, we all think of one word: Gigli.

2. Tara Reid

Until she does Shakespeare (which we will see for the pure hilarity entertainment value), Tara Reid will forever be known as a terrible actor who makes terrible movies. Early in her career, she did some decent films like The Big Lebowski and American Pie. But since then, she was out-acted by Ashton Kutcher in My Boss’s Daughter, apparently high in Josie and the Pussycats and partly responsible for the Uwe Boll juggernaut when she was in Alone in the Dark.

1. Jessica Simpson

Rounding out the Jessica troika in this list, Jessica Simpson is the biggest indicator that your movie may have a hot chick but will suck hard. Fortunately, we’ve only been subjected to supporting roles in The Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month. Fear the day she gets a leading role!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Jennifer Garner, We loved her in “Alias”, but her movies have all kinda sucked. Some really sucked, like Elektra and Catch and Release.

Lindsay Lohan, At one time, she made some pretty decent flicks (e.g., Mean Girls, Freaky Friday, The Parent Trap), and that’s the only thing that keeps her off the list proper. But recent bombs like Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me leads the Fat Guys to believe that she’ll be topping the list sometime soon.

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