The Top 10 Life Ruining Movies of All-Time

Posted by Brian C. Gibson (brian@filmschoolrejects.com) on December 9, 2007

With the release of The Golden Compass approaching and people already comparing it to The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lord of The Rings (In terms of potential fan-base), I thought I’d compile a list of life ruining films. In other words, films that have ruined lives in the same way that World of Warcraft has.

What I mean by ‘life ruining films’ is that the film has in some way altered the realities of many many people. We all know someone who has at least once compared a girl to Princess Leia, started wearing leather trench coats with sunglasses or even just decided that they liked wearing a ring even though they aren’t married. Films are powerful, so powerful that they may prohibit you from having more friends, sexual relationships or even keeping a job… because you had to camp out for the theatrical release.

10. Star Wars: Episodes IV, V, VI

For starters I really do like Star Wars, but there is a big difference between liking Star Wars and freaking loving Star Wars. When you like SW, you own the DVD set. When you love SW you make your mom call you Han and you own an authentic Storm Trooper suit that George Lucas sneezed on. I know for a fact that marriages have broken up because of outrageous credit card statements with multiple authentic lightsaber purchases. I don’t think there is any other film that has a lonelier and more ridiculous hardcore fan-base than this. The only thing worse than hardcore fans of the original trilogy…

9. Star Wars: Episodes I, II, III

The only thing worse than socially inept fans of the original trilogy…are extremely socially inept fans of the ‘original’ trilogy prequel garbage thingy. Dressing up like Chewbacca is understandable, but those who choose to dress up like Jar Jar Binks are destined to have their dinners made by mom and their sex life billed by the megabyte. Did this one ruin marriages? Probably not, but it did extend the long arm of the franchise to a new generation of virgins.

8. Revenge of The Nerds

Why give hope to those who have none? Revenge of the Nerds was funny because nerds and cool people could both laugh at nerds and not feel bad about it. On the screen it showed nerds taking a stand and coming out on top. Audiences everywhere were motivated to be proud of their nerdiness. I could just imagine how many nerds saw the movie and thought “why can’t I get the hottest girl in school, or be the most popular guy?”, only to walk out to the parking lot to receive a beating from some angry jocks. Nerds never get revenge, it’s just a movie.

7. Harry Potter

It was understandable when all those 13 year olds were dressing up as wizards and waiting in line for the next book or movie to be released. But now that those same people are 19 and still dressed as wizards, it has went from childhood interest to pure obsession. Trust me, when you have a 25 year old friend who owns a wizard outfit that isn’t a Halloween costume, there is a problem.

6. Weird Science

One of the worst offenders of ruining lives would have to be Weird Science. The film showed two nerds using their computer skills towards creating a supermodel type real life girl. Once the hot girls at the school see these two nerds with their computer rendered hottie, they too want some action from our protagonists. This is one of those films that inspired thousands-maybe millions-of people to go into computer programming, thinking that it would make them sexed out millionaires. Instead, they are juggling the cost of internet porn and bragging about their long distance girlfriend.

5. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Again, these are films that I like, but don’t love. Some might argue about what film franchise is the greatest trilogy of them all, but most of the arguing would be over the internet and not with replica Aragorn swords versus lightsabers. The only bush that the hardcore fans of the film may ever see, would be in the Shire. And by bush in the shire, I mean seeing bushes in the shire while watching the film and not in those chatrooms that all you hobbit lovers seem to love.

4. The Matrix

What is more annoying than nerds of the ring? Black leather trench coat wearing, sunglass sporting, hair slicking morons who think that they are somehow different than the rest of the world. The reason that you probably feel that way, is because no one wanted to hang out with you in the third grade when The Oregon Trail became your life’s obsession. You got dysentery and died, and then moved on to The Sims. Once you figured out to manipulate the system with your Sim, you heard about The Matrix and it sounded like the film was made specifically for you. A couple of dead cow outfits and a pair of $60 Ray-Bans later, you are now making your friends call you Neo. Go jump off of a building…see what happens.

3. The Notebook

Not all men are created equal. Which is easy to say not all men are equal to Ryan Gosling. This movie just ruined the relationships of anyone between the ages of 15 and 30. So how many guys out there have been asked one of those impossible questions like “So if I have Alzheimer’s and don’t remember that we are married, will you sit with me every night and tell me the two hour story of how we met and fell in love out of hope that I will remember? Even if I only remember for a moment, and as soon as my Alzheimer’s kicks back in – I attack you in a confused frenzy?” After a question like that, I could only answer it with another question. Do you remember the hell you gave me when I forgot the name of the restaurant we met at? Well now you don’t even remember that I’m your husband…Sorry babe, but my answer is no.

2. March of the Penguins

Who would have ever thought that this touching little documentary about cute cuddly penguins could have had an adverse effect on the populace. When I was working at a certain video rental store, I can’t count how many horribly unattractive butch women would come up to the counter armed with Ben & Jerry’s, popcorn and March of the Penguins. I just wanted to vomit when they would all talk about watching serendipitous love-making penguins. Want some advice? Say no to Ben & Jerry’s, and stop expecting love to find you. Movies are movies, and lonely is even more depressing in real life.

1. You’ve Got Mail

What makes You’ve Got Mail so evil, is that it seriously skewed the voice of reason for millions of people. Sure you could go online and meet a nice, attractive, wealthy businessman who meets you in real life and falls madly in love with you. Odds are though that you will meet a lonely, unattractive, semi-employed Star Wars fan who will give you the quickest 90 seconds of your life. This will be followed by years of misery with the coming of your son, whom he vigorously petitioned to be named either Han or Boba. The Da Vinci Code isn’t the greatest trick ever pulled on man, You’ve Got Mail takes the throne. The film actually made alot of people believe that on the internet…even people like Star Wars kid has a chance.

For those of you who don’t know who Star Wars Kid is… or just looking for a good laugh, this video is my treat to you. I love how this video just goes on to prove my point.

| | Read more articles by Brian C. Gibson