Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; perpetually full.  This is the weekly column that begs the question, “why don’t they just cut off that Salisbury kid’s fingers?!” Each and every Friday I wheel out the very finest, most choice terrible films and force you to sit there and smile as I sing their praises.  Despite what certain recent exposé articles may have espoused, I did not suffer a major head injury trying to recreate the parkour scene from Casino Royale.  Therefore I still have the cognitive capacity to understand exactly why these films are bad, but sometimes we partake of things we know are bad for us.  To that end, I will pair each film with a junkfood item on which you can gorge while you watch the film and bid adieu to each dying brain cell. Brace yourselves this week kiddos, our foray into the unrefined brings us far too close to Vampire’s Kiss.

If there’s one thousand things missing from the Twilight series, one of them has got to be a severe lack of undead teen idols sinking their teeth into some meaty placenta. But for the billions of people awaiting the sweet release of finally seeing Edward dig into Bella’s cervix like it’s a plate of spaghetti, disappointment is all that’s left. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg cleared up some rumors about what’s in the script for Breaking Dawn and what’s being filmed right now regarding the not-at-all-controversial human giving birth to a half-vampire that breaks her ribs and explodes out of her uterus. There’s a lot to look forward to, but… “…would we actually see Edward’s teeth through the placenta? I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to see that…” Damn it, Rosenberg. Give the fans what they want! The people demand placenta biting! [PopSugar]

Episode: “9 Crimes” (Season 3, Episode 4) Synopsis: Bill reaches out to Sookie in an unexpected way while she continues her search with the aide of the werewolf Alcide.  In Bon Temps, Andy is promoted to Sheriff, causing a jealous and misguided Jason to demand a job on the police force. Things with Eric go south when the Magistrate shows up at Fangtasia on the trail of some vampire blood peddlers. Review: The first really great episode of the third season has arrived.  Yes, the last two were good, but felt rushed and awkward for the most part.  With things settled down considerably, we get more meat and less teasing throughout all the storylines.

With a thousand plot lines concurrent and no signs of slowing, we weigh in on the third episode of True Blood Season 3.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, there is a rare opportunity in this life to do the right thing. Whether it’s sheltering those kittens that were going to be euthanized or volunteering to be the one to tell that co-worker about their offensive body odor, the call to greatness doesn’t come around just every day. And when it does, you have to be ready for it.

Bill faces off with his werewolf captors, only to discover the supernatural being commanding them is the last one he’d expect. Back in Bon Temps, things aren’t much saner as Sookie continues her search.

The sexed up, violent and ever-unpredictable world of True Blood is back in business. And we’re back in Bon Temps with all the supernatural citizens of Louisiana and we’d like you to come along. We promise plenty of nudity and a smattering of werewolves.

Contrary to popular belief, I not only can read, but occasionally acquire books and enjoy them. In my travels, when I come across an especially interesting or cool book, I like to pass it on to you fellow horrorhounds. This go round the mulberry bush I’ve come across a neat little book from Peter Pauper Press.

Your daily recommended allowance of random movie stuff, stories that fell through the cracks, and news you can’t use.

In all seriousness, I just don’t find vampires that interesting and there haven’t really been any good vampire movies in the last two decades. That said, Daybreakers looked promising. It seemed stylish, had Sam Neil, Ethan Hawke, and Willem Dafoe in it. Definitely a few points in the plus column.

Thanks to the Fantastic Fest at Midnight slate of films at this year’s SxSW, greatest idea the festival has ever had by the way, I was able to see a Japanese vampire film called Higanjima. Would it be another title from the far east that struck my fancy, or would this vampire film just plain suck? Rimshots upon request.

Jane Austen is a zombie hunter, Abraham Lincoln’s going after vampires. It was only a matter of time before the Bard got into the act.

Did you know Eclipse was already in post-production? Well, apparently I didn’t, and the interview still went really well.

Darren and Steve are best friends despite different upbringings and personalities. They both attend a mysterious Freak Show populated by fantastical beings, and Darren joins the ranks of the undead by becoming a vampire, but Steve will have his own, darker journey to go through.

We were all blown away by the original and now the U.S. will have a shot at it with Richard Jenkins, Chloe Moretz, and Kodi Smit-Mcphee. But are they headed in the right direction with this cast? You be the judge. That way we don’t have to form an opinion.

All I heard for weeks was how Park’s vampire opus Thirst was a gorgeous, deeply affecting film; my interest was duly peaked. Two very long hours later, I emerged in the minority. I did not like this film.

The model who turned into an action star is joining Paul Bettany in the Old West to murder some blood-sucking fiends.

Johnny Depp once said that he was obsessed with the character Barnabas Collins from “Dark Shadows,” and wanted to be him. Now, thanks to Tim Burton, he will get his chance.

Casting off one of the worst names I’ve seen in a while, The Vampire’s Assistant has gotten a late-October date with audiences who are hopefully not completely burnt out on vampires just yet.

Apparently, the guy who directed Cloverfield thinks that Colorado is just as scary as the desolate waste of rural Sweden. Probably just as cold, too.