If I were to tell you about a movie featuring beautiful, pale vampires that were all glamor and rock and roll with no sex and a lack of violence, you’d have every right to put up a hand and say pass. Unless you’re a fifteen year old girl, then you’d be really excited that I’m reviewing a Twilight film. Suck superficially sounds like something for the teen crowd but if you spend more than fifteen seconds with it you’ll discover that’s about as far from the truth as it can be. Suck manages to smartly lampoon the current fascination with vampires in their pussified forms of being beautiful, attractive monsters by creating a movie about a band that gives into their greed for fame and fortune and embrace vampirism to gain acclaim. While I personally would have liked to see a more dangerous breed of vampire at times, these rock and roll blood suckers manage humor and music in an enjoyable way.

With another week of DVD and Blu-ray releases in October, we have another horror movie to slap a drinking game on. This week, we join the Frog Brothers (or rather one of the Frog Brothers) to chew bubble gum and kick vampire ass… and we’re all out of bubble gum. Take a drink (of booze, not blood) and enjoy this second sequel to the superior teen vampire flick from the 80s.

Now that Fox has officially retracted its position that Vampires Suck, it finds itself free to do business with the second-most famous vampire hunter of all time. As all school-aged children know, Abraham Lincoln was not only a great president, he was also a cold killer when it came to the blood-fueled undead. Now, that story will finally see the big screen. Fox would do well to check out my dreamcasting for the project in a recent Print to Projector entry, but with Tim Burton producing, 3 or 4 of the roles have probably already been mentally cast. I’ll give you a few guesses.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr strikes out against… well, pretty much everyone reviewing movies by taking issue with The Social Network. Sue him if you don’t agree, or friend him at Facebook.com/FatGuysattheMovies. But while he cringes under the weight of Jesse Eisenberg’s smug Michael Cera impression, he also rejoices in October being officially here and all the horror movies the month of Halloween promises to bring. Up first, he cowers in a dark theater to the likes of Let Me In and Case 39.

Episode: “Evil is Going On” (Season 3, Episode 12) Synopsis: Season 3 comes to a close as Eric’s plan against Russell moves into its final act. In the middle of that, Sookie finds out the truth about both her vampire suitors. Elsewhere, Jason and Sam each face up to the new challenges in their lives. Review: My first reaction to the third season finale of True Blood is “meh.” Not because it was bad, just because when you compare it to previous season finale’s it doesn’t really stack up. There weren’t any real shocking moments, there were no spectacular deaths, and, secure in the knowledge of a fourth season, few things were wrapped up and a few storylines were left wide upon.

Mary Harron must be obsessed with refined murderers. She famously gave the world an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’s business-card obsessed killer in American Psycho, and now she’s headed to boarding school to create The Moth Diaries – an adaptation of the Rachel Klein novel of the same name. It looks like she’s got a cast on board as well – Lily Cole, Scott Speedman, Sarah Gadon and Sarah Bolger have all signed on. As to tone, Harron notes “This is a chillingly atmospheric horror story with real emotional depth. I’ve tried to stay true to Rachel Klein’s novel in the way it re-works and updates the Gothic tradition and the whole notion of girl-on-girl vampires.”

Alfred Hitchcock’s name gets tossed around a lot when it comes to suspense, but the truth is that this clip from Let Me In is (at the very least) the spiritual tradition of the master handed down and set to a soundtrack featuring Blue Oyster Cult. The movie is pulling double duty – attempting to present itself to an audience oblivious of its existence while proving itself to the scores of Let The Right One In fans who bristle at the thought of such a great film being remade so quickly. I found myself in that category, but after seeing this clip at Comic-Con, I found myself energized – excited to see the film at Fantastic Fest. And, yes, that’s Richard Jenkins jumping out of the backseat to kill that poor young man. That is, if he can actually get the job done:

Episode: “Fresh Blood” (Season 3, Episode 11) Synopsis: Eric puts his plan to kill Russell Edgington into play, putting both Sookie and Bill in danger. Jason struggles with the revelation his girlfriend is a werepanther, Tara confronts Deputy Andy over Eggs’ death, and Sam hits the bottle hard. Review: Gird yourself, True Blood fans, there’s only one episode left and Bon Temps is a mess. Well, emotionally, compared to the physical trouble and threats facing the sleepy town at the end of last season. This episode went about shuffling the deck of character relationships, setting up for an explosion of change for next season, though it did seem out of place at times.

Episode: “I Smell a Rat” (Season 3, Episode 10) Synopsis: An episode of secrets: Jason reveals his involvement in Eggs’ death, Hoyt spills his true feelings for Jessica, and Bill reveals Sookie’s true nature. Review: “A fairy? How lame is that?” You said it all, Sook, though I don’t think any of us are surprised at the reveal. And did Bill just say aliens exist? After three seasons of “What is she” we finally get our answer: Sookie is a fairy. Or an “old one.” What importance is that? Well apparently they’re super tasty and offer special abilities to vampires, who presumed to have hunted them to extinction.

Episode: “Everything is Broken” (Season 3, Episode 9) Synopsis: Eric is confronted about the death of the Magister by Vampire League of America figurehead Nan Flanagan and the mysterious Vampire Authority comes into play. In Bon Temps, Sookie and Bill reconnect while Sam snaps under the pressures surrounding him and hands out an ass beating. Jason does something awesome. Review: Two in a row! This was another great episode of True Blood, definitely in the top three of the third season. Once again there is increased focus on Eric and the episode is better for it. Talbot’s death last episode was still a sticky residue on the ground, at least until Russell goes all creepy, scoops the goo into a crystal bowl and carries it around, talking to it. Dating someone for something like 3,000 years will do that to you.

Episode: “Night on the Sun” (Season 3, Episode 8) Synopsis: Sookie reevaluates her relationship with Bill while Jason takes the next step forward with Crystal. King Russell makes a move on Sookie while Alcide is away and Eric plays two gambits with bloody results. Review: Finally! A fantastic episode. While season 3 has been good, it was far from great in my opinion, until tonight. Sure the werewolves are still pussies (I have to say that every review, contractually) but there was a lot going on this week that was very engaging.

Episode: “Hitting the Ground” (Season 3, Episode 7) Synopsis: Sookie manages to free Bill, who remains at death’s door. Meanwhile, Sam confronts the Mickens’ over their dog fighting activities while Eric and the King of Mississippi advance on their goals. Review: This episode was 50/50 for me. I really dug the subplots of Sam, Jason, and Eric, who got pretty decent screen time, but I wasn’t a fan at all of the Sookie stuff, though it reveals, presumably, something about who or what she really is.

Episode: “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues” (Season 3, Episode 6) Synopsis: Tara attempts to mount a rescue of Sookie and Bill when all are being held at the King of Louisiana’s residence. Meanwhile, Eric and the King head off to ‘negotiate’ with the Queen of Mississippi while Sam finds out disturbing news about his families income source. Review: If you’d thought that True Blood was lacking in blood so far, then tonight was for you. With dead vampires, torture, skull cave-ins, and plenty of the red stuff soaking into the floors, this was possibly the bloodiest episode of the entire series. But does all that blood mean it’s good?

Episode: “Trouble” (Season 3, Episode 5) Synopsis: Multiple storylines careen towards each other as the psychotic vampire detective Franklin brings Tara to the Vampire King of Mississippi, which brings Tara and Bill face to face. If that weren’t enough, Sookie’s search takes pause when the Mississippi vampires decide to look for her, instead.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; perpetually full.  This is the weekly column that begs the question, “why don’t they just cut off that Salisbury kid’s fingers?!” Each and every Friday I wheel out the very finest, most choice terrible films and force you to sit there and smile as I sing their praises.  Despite what certain recent exposé articles may have espoused, I did not suffer a major head injury trying to recreate the parkour scene from Casino Royale.  Therefore I still have the cognitive capacity to understand exactly why these films are bad, but sometimes we partake of things we know are bad for us.  To that end, I will pair each film with a junkfood item on which you can gorge while you watch the film and bid adieu to each dying brain cell. Brace yourselves this week kiddos, our foray into the unrefined brings us far too close to Vampire’s Kiss.

If there’s one thousand things missing from the Twilight series, one of them has got to be a severe lack of undead teen idols sinking their teeth into some meaty placenta. But for the billions of people awaiting the sweet release of finally seeing Edward dig into Bella’s cervix like it’s a plate of spaghetti, disappointment is all that’s left. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg cleared up some rumors about what’s in the script for Breaking Dawn and what’s being filmed right now regarding the not-at-all-controversial human giving birth to a half-vampire that breaks her ribs and explodes out of her uterus. There’s a lot to look forward to, but… “…would we actually see Edward’s teeth through the placenta? I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to see that…” Damn it, Rosenberg. Give the fans what they want! The people demand placenta biting! [PopSugar]

Episode: “9 Crimes” (Season 3, Episode 4) Synopsis: Bill reaches out to Sookie in an unexpected way while she continues her search with the aide of the werewolf Alcide.  In Bon Temps, Andy is promoted to Sheriff, causing a jealous and misguided Jason to demand a job on the police force. Things with Eric go south when the Magistrate shows up at Fangtasia on the trail of some vampire blood peddlers. Review: The first really great episode of the third season has arrived.  Yes, the last two were good, but felt rushed and awkward for the most part.  With things settled down considerably, we get more meat and less teasing throughout all the storylines.

With a thousand plot lines concurrent and no signs of slowing, we weigh in on the third episode of True Blood Season 3.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, there is a rare opportunity in this life to do the right thing. Whether it’s sheltering those kittens that were going to be euthanized or volunteering to be the one to tell that co-worker about their offensive body odor, the call to greatness doesn’t come around just every day. And when it does, you have to be ready for it.

Bill faces off with his werewolf captors, only to discover the supernatural being commanding them is the last one he’d expect. Back in Bon Temps, things aren’t much saner as Sookie continues her search.