Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only thing we shamelessly rip-off is the wrapper from our Arby’s Big Beef ‘n Cheddar. This is the weekly Internet movie column that shatters the crystalline standards of good taste. We lambast a bad movie and scatter the shards of its dignity across the floor. Then, like a senile geriatric rodeo clown, we scream yippee-ki-yay Mister Tucker and run barefoot over those shards, a testament to our troubling affinity for said bad movies, an affinity that does not die with ease. Have you ever noticed how good Die Hard is? If your answer is anything other than “indubitably” or “shit yeah it is,” please give me your address so I can mail you one hundred dollars…that will probably look and feel like face punches but I promise are totally dollars. If you are among those whose faces are  not currently in danger of postal pummeling, then you recognize the sheer awesomeness of John McTiernan’s violent ode to both Hitchcock’s wrong man theme and receding hairlines. For those of you who haven’t seen it, welcome to our planet and please give my regards to Lord Zoonax. It’s the story of a sweaty, tender-footed cop who goes to visit his estranged wife during a party in the tallest building in all of Die Hard. This unfortunately timed reunion occurs just before evil crime boss Severus Snape invades the party with an veritable food court of international terrorists. John McCop must sneak through air vents, eat Twinkies,

If you asked around “What 1980s action star deserves a comprehensive guide to his films?” you’d probably hear Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and possibly even Dolph Lundgren before someone got around to Steven Seagal. We’ll ignore the smart ass who said Michael Dudikoff too. The world, being as unpredictable as it is, had a different view of things and blessed (cursed?) one writer with an unnatural fascination of Steven Seagal. That man is Vern and his study of the ass-kicking films of Steven Seagal, “Seagalogy” has been updated, expanded, and is now fit for your consumption. In addition to telling you about this book, I’m also going to use it to help break down the career path of Steven Seagal in just twelve short films.