My dad took my sister and me to a Sunday afternoon double feature once as a reward for being awesome kids. Presumably. I don’t recall how we convinced him to take us, but the bigger question here is do theaters even do double features anymore? Two movies for the price of one? Am I just that old? First up was Steven Spielberg’s E.T: The Extraterrestrial, and as expected all three of us loved it. The theater was packed, and as the end credits rolled it was clear that everyone would be staying for the second film as well. That second movie, inexplicably, was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian. The first hint that this might not be a good idea struck my dad around the thirty minute mark when Conan enters the dwelling of a loose woman… and his fears were confirmed three minutes later when Arnold starts thrusting his bare-ass between the naked witch’s legs. Reluctantly, my dad stood, gave the witch’s sweaty flesh one last glance, and then led us on a long walk of shame up the aisle to the exit. I tell you that so I can tell you this… my dad would not have felt it necessary to do the same thing during the brand new incarnation of Robert E. Howard‘s classic tale. It’s far more cartoonish than offensive. And that’s not even the most surprising thing about the new movie… Marcus Nispel‘s Conan the Barbarian is also a fairly entertaining and enjoyable romp filled with [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr flexes his rippling muscles and sets out to live a warrior lifestyle, just like Jason Momoa in Conan the O’Barbarian. But before he can do that, he has to drive a stake through his neighbor’s heart, since he’s certain he lives next door to a vampire. What else could all those sparkles be about? Meanwhile, he sends his kids off to a dangerous 3D, Aroma-Vision mission, hoping they can make it as real spy kids so they can teach him to put on a fake British accent and woo a not-quite-British Anne Hathaway.

Marcus Nispel is known as a work-for-hire type of director. The type of filmmaker that’s brought onto a project to craft a studio’s vision versus his own. Coming from the world of Platinum Dunes’ micromanagement, he’s worked on films that are not meant for auteurs. The projects he’s been a part of are calculated products, and Nispel is more than aware of it. The Friday the 13th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre remaker knows how the game goes for his franchise starter films. With Conan the Barbarian, Nispel got the chance to make a different type of blockbuster: a hard-R that features a misogynistic, barbaric lead. However, the director still was a “dog on many leashes,” as he described the process. Hopefully, Nispel still managed to create a version of Conan that lives up to the idea of an R-rated tent-pole release about a barbarian who thirsts for blood. Here’s what Nispel had to say about avoiding film school, making someone else’s vision, and how filmmaking is like raising children:

In today’s contest of wills, we have 5 contestants all trying to mean mug as best as possible. Conan (Jason Momoa) cries out in battle, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) attempts to pass a gallstone, Corin (Ron Perlman) unleashes his Planet of the Apes face, Marique (Rose McGowan) stuns with her facial tattoos, and Tamara (Rachel Nichols) didn’t get the memo that she needed to be scary. These character posters for Conan the Barbarian are actually pretty intense, showing off some solid costume and make-up design as well as the unnerving battle faces of some of its stars. Which one is the scariest?

The idea of a Conan the Barbarian reboot isn’t necessarily a bad one. The original, despite its classic status, is lots of fun but not quite a great film. It’s an epic hack-n-slash adventure filled with bloody battles, magical villains, and mountainous cleavage. The character of Conan and the tales of Robert E. Howard offer serious franchise potential (Conan the Destroyer notwithstanding) so a remake to gauge interest seems like a no-brainer. That said, the behind the scenes “talent” assembled for the new film doesn’t exactly inspire hope that they’ll deliver a big, beefy, entertaining hit. Director Marcus Nispel’s highest profile film until now was the recent Friday the 13th remake which was… not too bad all things considered. But the screenwriters’ past credits don’t fare even that well. Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer previously brought us Sahara, A Sound Of Thunder, and the just opened (and just closed) Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night…

We continue our support of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra by bringing you an inside look at the film’s girl-on-girl action. Yeah, we thought you’d enjoy that…

Neil pretty much hit the nail on the head with his review, but we figure ‘G.I. Joe’s’ big enough to warrant an affirmation: Ignore the renewed bad buzz: The movie’s a lot of fun.

Kevin Carr breaks down the week’s releases, looking at G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Julie & Julia, and A Perfect Getaway.

Our resident sex columnist is back in the saddle. Woah, not that kind of saddle. And what’s turning her on this week? G. I. Joe. Atta girl!

Paramount Pictures has released the full press kit for next week’s release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Included in said press kit was 28 high resolution photos from the film and the production.

Paramount Pictures has provided Film School Rejects with an exclusive look at the next character poster from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, featuring Rachel Nichols as Shana ‘Scarlett’ O’Hara.

The folks at Empire have unleashed the first international poster for Paramount’s upcoming toy line adaptation G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and to say the least it is certainly a tale of two colors.

I’m still all over the place when it comes to the upcoming big kid action movie G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra. Of course, this new trailer isn’t helping me lean one way or another.

Kevin Carr reports from the GI Joe panel at Comic-Con while Robert Fure unleashes a fit of rage at the new movie’s production design and potential plot.

While I have been relatively wishy washy about this upcoming G.I. Joe movie, but I must admit that all of the character photos we’ve seen so far, including the first look at Rachel Nichols as Scarlett above and the first look at Ray Park as Snake Eyes, have been pretty damn badass.

While the new acronym for the G.I. Joe film may be utterly ridiculous and blindingly stupid, the movie is getting one thing right – the hotties.

Well, Christmas didn’t come early after all at the Reject Report. Guess what Santa left under the tree this weekend for Tom Cruise and for Fred Claus? That’s right– nothing.

A very special welcome to all of you members of the Writers Guild of America, East and West, who are looking in on this web site in between the picketing.