The American remake of District B13 that we’ve all been clamoring for may be one step closer to reality. Per Deadline Jump River, Paul Walker is in talks to join the remake currently titled Brick Mansions. The script, co-written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen (Taken), sticks fairly close to the source material with a nuclear device falling into the hands of a notorious gangster/drug dealer in a dangerous part of inner city Chicago. An undercover detective (Walker) teams up with a local (David Belle) to infiltrate the neighborhood and deactivate the bomb. Parkour ensues. We won’t bother listing the varied reasons why this is a bad idea, well, except for one. I’m no Walker hater. The guy is fine for what he is, but one short rooftop chase in Fast Five doesn’t really automatically qualify him for a parkour film. Granted Belle, who co-starred in both of the French District B13 films, will be the one doing the majority of the stunts, but you know they’re going to have Walker join in the fun… which ultimately means stunt doubles and green screen. If the film does well I think I speak for all of us when I say the sequel should head to Chicago’s Cabrini Green where the parkour boys are called in to neutralize Candyman.

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly movie news round-up that finds the darndest things. Like Sacha Baron Cohen’s beard, creepy Musketeer posters, Mark Wahlberg, Simon Pegg, Paul Walker and a way to make your tweets into epic cinematic adventures. You need this and you know it. We begin tonight with Sacha Baron Cohen looking crazytown as The Dictator, his latest mockumentary prank film. Only this time, it’s got a more concise narrative. Cohen will play the dual roles of a ruthless dictator who heads to the U.S. for a meeting at the United Nations and finds that his number two has replaced him with an unsuspecting sheepherder lookalike. The big guy has sort of a Cosmo Kramer meets Mr. T vibe going on, with all the frills of the late Saddam Hussein. That feeling deep in your loins is unbridled excitement. That’s a good thing.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr gets in his car and hits the road with a can of NOS energy drink and his shaved head. Too bad his car is a 2006 Dodge minivan with collapsible seats and a back-seat DVD player for the kids to use. He didn’t stand a chance in the street racing against Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. After recovering from the cold, hard truth that The Rock stole his look for Fast Five, Kevin goes stag to Prom and suffers through the direct-to-DVD theatrical release of Hoodwinked Too!: Hood vs. Evil.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; we get furious when we don’t get our fast food. Before you could slam on the brakes, you managed to crash head-on into one of the internet’s most obnoxious dividing walls. Every week I put the pedal to the floor, a floor almost entirely obscured by half-eaten Zero bars and discarded McRib wrappers, to bring you the very best in the very worst cinema has to offer. I will drive a truckload of mockery right up the unsuspecting film’s tailpipe before totally switching lanes and filling your eye sockets with premium unleaded love for that very same lemon. Finally, to really drive home this absurd running metaphor, I will supercharge your taste buds by pairing the film with a greasy snack that will leave tread marks on your esophagus all the way down. This week’s treat: The Fast and the Furious

Let’s cut to the chase here shall we? Fast Five is a stupid, overly long, and poorly written movie with moronic dialogue, plot contrivances big enough to fit both of the bald giants above through, and a complete disregard for right, wrong, and the sanctity of human life. More on all of that in a minute, but the other half of this equation is that it also features some kick-ass, high energy, destructive-as-hell action scenes that rattle the walls of the theater and happily remind you that there are still filmmakers capable of crafting spectacular cinematic mayhem without relying on CGI to do all the heavy lifting. So you can see my dilemma…

Lets face it, there isn’t going to be anything inventive about the story being told in Universal’s Fast Five. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are going to band together with some familiar faces — Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson and that one Asian guy — and do some nefarious things at high speeds. There will be a lesson in the end, something about how being bad is sometimes a way to learn how to be good. And that brotherhood is essential to the criminal’s likability. It’s all stuff we’ve seen before. But take note, friends, as this one also includes a decidedly burly, extremely bearded Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. And he’s out to beat some ass.

Flashback to 1998. Limp Bizkit is the biggest rap metal band on the planet, and Paul Walker is trying to shake off his reputation as “only being good in diaper commercials” with a big screen melee of force known as Meet the Deedles. Both men would go on to success in the 2000s, but only one would reinvent himself. That man was Fred Durst, who has so far surprised a lot of critics with his directorial work (which is far more nuanced than his George Michael covers). Now, the two are getting together for what one producer is calling “a hillbilly Pulp Fiction. The movie is Pawn Shop Chronicles. The Hollywood Reporter describes the movie as “the interconnected stories center on a missing wedding ring which leads to a wild-goose chase involving meth addicts, skinheads and an Elvis impersonator.” The Walking Dead star Adam Minarovich wrote the script, and production will most likely get started in just a few months. Now, is it more surprising that the guy from Limp Bizkit turned out to be a fairly strong director or that Paul Walker still relies on hypnotizing people with his eyes instead of learning to emote? We’ll let you be the judge.

Unflinching in their drive to keep the Fast and Furious franchise on the road, Universal has unleashed the first trailer for the upcoming fifth film, the appropriately titled Fast Five. The film will reunite Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Ludacris, Jordana Brewster and Tyrese Gibson with director Justin Lin, the man responsible for the last two films. It will also add a heaping dose of large, burly Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the man sent to track down the team of fast-driving, sex-having, parkour-using thieves through the streets of Rio de Janeiro. According to this first trailer, the whole thing will be unquestionably ridiculous.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr puts on his preachin’ suit and heads out to the multiplex to exorcise the demons of bad movies. Sadly, this won’t be the last exorcism of this kind because January and February are just around the corner. In the wake of the money grab re-release of Avatar: The Big Blue Sex Scene Edition, Kevin takes aim at Takers and The Last Exorcism.

Takers assembles a motley crew of handsome men, decks them out in stylish suits and top hats, adds a dollop of crime, and shoots for the moon – literally (yes, a character points his fingers at the moon and fires). Director John Luessenhop wants to craft an eloquent, pseudo-vintage crime drama out of mundane clichés. With just enough of an aesthete’s vision, a robust collection of photogenic actors (including the ridiculously beautiful Zoe Saldana), an R&B infused soundtrack, and some exciting, upper class heist action, he mostly fulfills that ambition. There’s not much more to be expected from a late summer picture likely to be all but forgotten come the start of the fall movie season next week. With expectations naturally diminished, it’s possible to sit through Takers, enjoy the scenery and have a good time, even if Luessenhop’s thriller often adopts the “too cool for school” affectations of a meticulously blocked advertisement.

I would love nothing more than to simply print the title above and allow you all to giggle like little school girls who just saw a kid pee his pants in 3rd period English, but there’s more to the story.

The folks at Universal Pictures have released two new featurettes for their newly release actioner Fast & Furious — and get this, they are faced pace rollercoaster rides of emotion.

Kevin Carr reviews this week’s new movies: Fast & Furious, Adventureland and Gigantic.

The Fat Guys bemoan the fact that certain studios have been withholding screenings of their films, while Neil unleashes a fit of rage against the quirky indie comedy Gigantic. He’ll never look at his dear Zooey Deschanel the same again.

What happens when you bring back Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) back together eight years after their first run together in The Fast and the Furious? You end up “Supermaning that hoe,” Souldja Boy style.

The first trailer for the upcoming fourth film in the Fast and Furious franchise has hit the web. Our first reaction: Not bad. Check it out for yourself inside.

It has become clear that Hollywood did not, in fact, resolve over this past New Year to seek out more projects that were not sequels or remakes.

While the Fast and the Furious franchise is preparing to give birth to number 4, one sneaky car enthusiast has been busy playing secret squirrel and has managed to snap a bunch of photos of the hot new cars which are to be featured in the 2009 film.

Michelle Rodrigruez follows suit and joins up for the big Fast and the Furious reunion movie.