If I was a different sort of person, the advent of a Facebook game for Dirty Dancing would send me into fits of rage, during which I’d say that Lionsgate was destroying my childhood with this little 16-bit diversion that involves Patrick Swayze’s gorgeous face or Jennifer Grey’s doe-eyed mug telling players just how to earn “romance waves” and “watermelon currency” – but, wait, did you read that right? It’s a 16-bit game that features Patrick Swayze’s gorgeous face or Jennifer Grey’s doe-eyed mug telling players just how to earn “romance waves” and “watermelon currency” – that’s just intrinsically amazing. We already know that Lionsgate is launching a remake of the film (to be directed by original choreographer Kenny Ortega from a script by Maria Maggenti), but the new game doesn’t just nod to the 1987 classic starring Swayze and Grey, it’s almost totally rooted in the trajectory of that first production. If Lionsgate is trying to keep up buzz for their new flick, they’re doing it, and doing it while paying serious homage to the original. Now that’s how you make fans happy.

If movies are to be believed, it’s easy for couples to meet in some cute way, fall in love, and tumble right into the sack without any trouble in the world. Yes, some films address the clumsiness of lovers’ first times together, but by the end of the scene they have figured out each other’s ticks, pleasures, and even kinks. No matter how long the on-screen couple has dated, their comfort with each other develops quickly, never leaving the audience time to question their accelerated level of intimacy. It’s as if they know each other perfectly or had a well-paid sex choreographer on retainer. But, truth be told, steamy intense intimacy doesn’t always need to involve gyrations.

Ever fired your gun in the air and yelled, “Aaaaaaah?” Former college quarterback Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is a rookie FBI agent in the 98th percentile of his class at Quantico. On his first assignment, he’s sent to L.A. County – bank robbery capital of the world – to bust the notorious Ex-Presidents. This unstoppable gang of thieves has hit 27 banks in three years, working with speed and surgical precision. Pappas (Gary Busey), Utah’s veteran partner, suspects they’re surfers. Obviously, Utah is going to have to learn how to surf so he can go undercover, get the girl, and bring the bad guys to justice. Whoa.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: now with zero Trans fat! It may not add inches to your waistline, but recent research indicates that reading this column can cause a layer of processed cheddar to coat your cerebrum.

Fantastic Fest is a time of Asiansploitation, kooky genre films, and titillating images galore. Taking a short break from this week-long bender to think about gender-bending has been especially tough, but I believe it to be important nonetheless. Here’s why….

Patrick Swayze died yesterday after a battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of fifty seven. But we all know that actors live on in their work, frozen forever at different stages of their lives and their careers. Some of them, like Swayze, are imprinted on our minds in roles that make them larger than life.

In an attempt to show the world that remakes will be the downfall of cinema as art, the folks at Lionsgate appear to be working on yet another useless rehash — a remake of the 1987 romance classic Dirty Dancing.

Patrick Swayze ditches the pottery lessons of Ghost for a handgun and a snazzy suit as he tackles The Beast in defense of his country.

Get ready for your shot to win some awesome Patrick Swayze swag in celebration of his turn on the small screen in A&E’s new FBI Drama The Beast.

Sometimes when I prep for this column, I scrounge to find ideas. However, there are also weeks when entertainment news is so filled with stupid stories that I can’t help but gather them together. As a New Year’s present, I offer you this hodge podge of WTF stories from the past week.

Total suck and total awesome in one package. Now all we need is Chuck Norris to make an appearance, and we’ll be golden.