Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only thing tricky about our treats is getting to them before we do. This is the scariest movie column on the internet. It combines the horror of watching terrible movies with every child’s worst nightmare: heart disease. Every witch-filled week we are haunted by a terrifyingly bad film that we manage to exorcise from the house by mocking its many ghastly faults. Then, because we don’t speak ill of the dead…when they’re in the room, we profess our undying affection for said abomination. Lately, we’ve been going the more conceptual route, which is frightening in and of itself considering the unsettling dearth of smarts in our skeleton crew. However, knocking on the door of Junkfood Cinema will always yield a delicious, if sure-to-kill-you-slowly, snack themed to the movie. Happy Junkfoodween, bats and ghouls! This is our absolute favorite holiday of the year. While we know many of you may be conflicted and not wish to choose Halloween over that other big holiday at the end of the year, we have no compunction about telling Guy Fawkes Day to take a flying fawk. This is the time of year when adults are allowed to be children again…wild, boozed up, scantily clad children. Okay, well maybe not children, but at least more inclined to indulge their love of things like candy, scary movies, and dressing up in costumes. This tradition is not lost on the horror genre and even the schlockiest of titles often feature Halloween

If modern technologies like video upload sites and HD video cameras small enough to fit into phones are scaring you because of the new possibilities they bring to narcissistic vanity goblins like Internet porn stars and reality TV actors, then King Kelly might be the scariest horror movie you see all year. But, if teenage-aimed movies like Project X, which glorify the most vapid and soulless aspects of party-obsessed youth culture, really get under your skin and make you mad, then King Kelly might be the funniest piece of satire you see all year. Shot entirely on iPhones and telling the story of a teenage girl who makes amateur strip videos (Louisa Krause) looking to get into the world of indie filmmaking (you know, so she can be famous), King Kelly appears to be a brutal skewering of the self-obsession and celebrity worship that’s running rampant in today’s culture. Thanks to advances in modern technology, nearly anyone can now take a shot at becoming famous (as long as they’re willing to humiliate themselves), and the effects of that seem to be a gradual poisoning of our society that’s not looking like it’s going to end anytime soon.