For years I’ve waited on a continuation to the story. I remember my first experiencing watching the original movie at a sleepover. It was Steve’s house, but he fell asleep early after playing too much Command & Conquer. Only me and Matt were awake and he, no joke, got a boner from the tree rape scene. There was always something off about Matt. But it wasn’t long after that I found the second. I remember Army of Darkness in theaters.

Everything Bruce Campbell wrote or said about the franchise, I ate up. Waiting to hear about Evil Dead 4. When talk turned to a remake instead of a continuation, I was upset but hopeful. Maybe Campbell would be in it. Maybe they would cast Seann William Scott and that wouldn’t be all that bad, would it? Now we have firm news that the Evil Dead reboot is moving forward – time to praise the lord? Hardly. What we know sucks and here’s why.

Well hold on a moment. First, the positives. A lot of the original creators are serving as producers. That’s about it. Hell, that might even be a bad thing. I love Bruce Campbell, but the things he’s had a lot of input on (They Call Me Bruce, The Man With the Screaming Brain) haven’t been great. Sam Raimi took the mother of all nasty, brown, bloody, putrid shits on Spider-Man with his horrific abominable abortion of a third film. So take that with a grain of salt.

Moving on – the director, a guy by the name of Fede Alvarez is going to make his debut with the remake. Nothing wrong with that – after all, Sam Raimi was on his first feature when he was making Evil Dead. Though he did make a short film, Within the Woods, that was a test for Evil Dead and it was very similar – low budget, gory, all practical effects. Fun stuff, if not great. Fede, similarly, has a short to his name, which people passed all around the internet, called Panic Attack.

While this short is nifty to look at, it’s devoid of anything close to a plot or a story. It looks like the calling card of a visual effects guy, not someone looking to direct films. The film in no way shows anything that can give us hope in terms of an Evil Dead movie. The only blood in the film is a digital spatter on the camera. The movie without CGI is nothing. The camera gets a case of the shakes here and there. Can we damn the whole project based on this? No, of course not. But we can’t really take anything away from it. A guy made a neat looking short that was dominated by retro looking CGI Robots. Nothing there says Evil Dead.

Moving on to the writing – Fede Alvarez wrote the first draft which is now being finished by none other than horror master Diablo Cody. Wait, did I say horror master? I meant shitty contemporary writer Diablo Cody. Writer of the terrifying Juno and the pop culture infused Jennifer’s Body. You could argue that it’s unfair to criticize Cody for her limited experience. I say it’s not. She’s written two movies, both of which I think are full of terrible dialog and shitty characters. It’s not “realistic” (or whatever) to have snotty teenagers use vocabularies twice that of any current high school student and to have female characters constantly reference their periods. That is not smart or witty or good. It is bad.

Seriously, thus far, all Cody has shown us that she is capable of writing is bratty, asshole teenage girls. I don’t want the ancient texts played on a hot dog shaped boombox and I don’t want Ashleigh to talk about bloody tampons. So should we be excited about Cody tweaking this script? Not me, brother.

But worse yet, far far worse than either of these things, is a single sentence in the official announcement:

“We can’t wait to scare a new generation of moviegoers using filmmaking techniques that were not available to us thirty years ago as well as Fede bringing a fresh eye to the film’s original elements.”

What the fuck? Worse sentence ever. “Filmmaking techniques that were not available to us thirty years ago?” That is Evil Dead blasphemy. These movies were low budget, dirty, and practical. The Evil Dead Companion book even had a recipe for fake blood within its pages. One can only assume that the new filmmaking techniques are going to be digital. Or 3D. Now, while 3D could be a fun gimmick in an Evil Dead flick, it could also be terribly shitty and would likely be accompanied by CGI.

If there is one movie that demands an entirely practical approach, it’s an Evil Dead film. The film that practically birthed the low-budget horror movie phenomenon. This is the movie that inspired thousands of kids to grab cameras, knives, Karo syrup, red food coloring and then head out into the woods to make movies. Filling it with CGI blood, or CGI anything, is a terrible mistake.

So to recap what we know about the upcoming Evil Dead remake: it will be helmed by a director with a CGI heavy, storyless short with a script polish by a writer who writes shitty, contemporary pop-culture dialog, and will make use of new “filmmaking techniques.” None of this sounds like an Evil Dead movie I want to see.

No one would be happier than me (except maybe those few bigger fans of the series) to see a great new Evil Dead kick off a new franchise. I’d love to see it. I want to see it. I hope to see it. If this team pulls it off, I’ll sing its praises all day long. But, if the movies goes in the direction signs are pointing, we’re in for one shitty ride straight into the ground. And I’ll be waiting there, already past my boiling point.

Pull that tree branch out of your tenders and read more Boiling Point

Instead the job is going to newcomer Fede Alvarez. Despite the fact that Bruce Campbell had the inside scoop on the project, there isn’t any word if he will have a role in the film or if they will be looking to cast all new actors. Given Campbell’s close relationship with Raimi, I don’t think that it’s a given that just because he knows about the project he will be in any significant way involved. That said, I think we can all agree that he better be. I would opine that a large reason Raimi’s first three films in this universe work is the screen presence of Campbell. Without him, you don’t have Ash, you just have some horror movie starring a dude.

While I hate to write a new filmmaker off right out of the gate, I can’t say that I have any interest in a remake of The Evil Dead made by anyone other than Raimi. A fourth film made by Raimi and for sure starring Bruce Campbell? Sure. This? Not so much. But, if you want to get a sense of what this Alvarez guy has to offer as a filmmaker, you can watch his 2009 short film Panic Attack! on YouTube. I will admit; he does have a kinetic style, similar to Raimi’s camera work.

David Fincher

According to Vulture, Fincher has already hired Ted Griffin (Ocean’s Eleven, Matchstick Men) to write the adaptation.

This will mark a move even further away from his Benjamin Button phase and back toward the earlier point in his career where people threatening to kill other people was the main focus. In other words, Fincher is looking to give audiences a reason to panic again. Plus, this will be a departure of sorts for Griffin who has written rom-com fare like Killers and Rumor Has It… in recent years.

The story focuses on a psychologist named Adam Bloom who shoots a burglar who’s broken into his home. Instead of praise for protecting his wife and child, Bloom is made into a monster by the media because he just so happened to empty an entire clip into the would-be thief. To complicate the emotional, public hell – the burglar’s partner has a mind for revenge.

It sounds perfect and perfectly Fincher-esque. If Kevin Spacey gets involved, chills will already start climbing up the back of my spine.

This one goes out to those of you who are clamoring for a sequel to this year’s sci-fi surprise District 9. Sam Raimi and his Ghost House Pictures shingle have won the rights to Panic Attack!, a short film concept by Uruguayan filmmaker Federico Alvarez. The short, which has been tearing up the YouTubes for months now, is reminiscent of Alive in Joburg, the short that director Neill Blomkamp used to get the attention of Peter Jackson, leading to the production of District 9.

According to Uruguayan newspaper El Pais, with help from the folks at Film Junk, Alvarez has signed a deal with Ghost House that will allow him to make a feature-length version of Panic Attack! on a budget of $30-40 million. According to the report, Raimi spoke with Alvarez over the phone and the two seemed to hit if off. The idea is to recreate the relationship between Jackson and Blomkamp, allowing Raimi to handle the business side of things and Alvarez to handle the creative without getting caught up in studio politics, etc.

For the most part, this may seem like a rip-off of the District 9 formula — big time producer plucks YouTube sensation out of the great nothing that is the internet and gives them $40 million to make an effects-driven sci-fi film that makes Michael Bay look like he wastes more money than Bernie Madoff. But then again, I don’t see this as being a bad thing. By this process, we are seeing talented young filmmakers getting a chance to put their creative visions on screen with the help of established, successful producers. There is no real downside to that. Here’s hoping that Raimi and Alvarez can deliver something special, just as Jackson and Blomkamp did earlier this year.

For more on Panic Attack!, check out the original short below.