Heading out to the movies is a magical experience, one we all treasure. Hopefully you have a good theater around, one where you can get a decent tub of popcorn without spending $19.75, plop into a soft, clean, cushioned seat and enjoy 117 minutes of uninterrupted entertainment, with great picture and perfect sound. If you can’t, I hope you at least can find a theater without any hypodermic needles stuck in the cushions. Either way, you settle in and enjoy the show. Munching on your nachos, eating fistfuls of buttery popcorn, sipping sugary soda, and slamming back Milk Duds. You’re transported to a magical world where a teen can swing on webs, a teen can be a wizard, and a teen can have worry-free unprotected sex – hey what the hell man, teens get away with a lot in movies these days. Then, thoroughly entertained, the lights come up. You scan the surrounding area. A veritable concession stand holocaust. Discarded cups in  holders. Popcorn strewn about the floor. Crumpled napkins everywhere. If you’re like me, you’re appalled. Shocked. Disgusted. You gather up your trash, mutter, toss it away. If, unlike me, you get up, leave your trash behind and don’t give a shit, you’re the asshole I’m writing about.

One balmy afternoon last year in September, Neil Miller, Luke Mullen and I set out to enjoy the cinematic experience of Gamer and rushed headlong into one of the problems with the technological takeover of the projection career field. The path is an easy one to follow. More theaters have increased digital capability and diminished testing standards for projectionists, which means when a film print comes in, the push-button projectionist swaps reel 2 and reel 5, leading to an even more convoluted version of Gamer. Oddly enough, when we explained the problem to the management, they said they’d played the movie all weekend with no complaints. That’s Neveldine/Taylor clarity for you. More so than the petty complaints of three filmgoers, the profession itself is on the brink of extinction.

The full title for this editorial should be “Wear a Watch, You Huge Fucking Asshole” but I’m not sure how we feel about having that headlined across the homepage. You know, because of the kids. As if kids read this site. But if they do, I’m sure they’re the kind of kids who already curse and smoke. You know, cool kids. Anyways, what does wearing a watch have to do with movies? Everything, thanks to cell phones. Obviously cell phones are cool. They let us talk on the go and send text messages, which is kind of like talking but without having to actually find the time or effort to interact with another person. Mine lets me play video games on it, and I’m sure yours gives you a convenient excuse to not talk to whoever is nearby at any one time. What this all means is that cell phones are prolific. They are everywhere. We each own one. I’m sure some of you own two. You might even carry two. I don’t care if one is just for work, you’re still a douchebag. Hold on, don’t go, I’m about ready to connect this to movies. Maybe you’ve already guessed it, but….

It seems like a no-brainer: putting the movie memorabilia in the same place as the movies.

I have been to some cool movie theaters in my travels, but it looks like I might have to find a reason to go to Hong Kong. Just wait until you see what the ladies room looks like.

Neil received some ‘service’ from the Zohan, and I tried to post up the Hulk. We quickly avoided a flying telephone, thrown by Get Smart’s Maxwell Smart, and made our way into the theater. Oh how blissful it is to be a movie geek.

I have seen the rampant, blatant, and offensive methods of bogarding seats and it will not stand any longer!