The inevitable has finally happened – I’ve confused Resident Evil with Underworld and somehow completely forgotten that there is yet another Resident Evil film on the way. My confusion might just be a mask for basic ennui, but it’s unclear at this point. In any case, look, there’s another Resident Evil film. According to its first teaser trailer, it appears to borrow (pretty loosely) from equal parts The Thing, its own mythology, Dawn of the Dead, and Independence Day, with a dash of The Fast and the Furious hat-tipping (you’ll know it when you see it). I can’t make heads or tails of it, and that’s likely due to two things: one, I haven’t watched an R.E. film all the way through since the first one, and two, this teaser trailer is essentially a Sony ad. No, not like, “oh, there’s a lot of product placement in this trailer!” more like “oh, there’s about 30 seconds of a film trailer in the middle of this Sony ad.” It’s a weird enough move already, and one that will likely be mocked for quite a bit, but what’s even weirder is that, if the trailer is taken literally, it means that the rest of the world in Resident Evil is having a super-fun, technology-connected good time while America smolders into monster-laced ash. So, you know, fun. Check out the first trailer (sort of?) for Resident Evil: Retribution after the break.

In the new thriller Faces in the Crowd, Milla Jovovich plays the only woman to see the face of a serial killer who is murdering his way through the city. Unfortunately, she suffers from face-blindness, meaning that her ability to recognize her boyfriend is suspect, not to mention her skill at finding a killer in an urban haystack. In this exclusive clip, Jovovich’s character hits the police department after being attacked on a bridge by the madman, only to be received by a gruff detective played by 150% of Julian McMahon and a frazzled assistant who can’t seem to adlib a solid exit line. What’s funny is that you can either watch the clip right here and now, or simply watch the scene as part of the entire film which is available right now on Netflix streaming. Or you can do both:

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dresses up in a frilly lace cravat and some leather boots, grabs his sword and takes a trip to France to become a Musketeer. Unfortunately, he seems to be almost 400 years too late for those kinds of shenanigans. So he hops the English Channel to become a spy with MI-7. Of course, no one told him that MI-7 was actually nothing more than propaganda. So he heads back home for a good night’s sleep, and to make sure that happens, he videotapes himself throughout the house. While he doesn’t witness any paranormal activity, there are many unspeakable things that can be seen on them.

Dirty Girl is a candy-coated collection of ’80s hairstyles, pop tunes and other sparkly flourishes. Despite the best efforts of Juno Temple, who perfects her standard character — the sullen oversexed young woman — it’s a forced, facile effort. The film takes a premise with promise, in which the titular “dirty girl” (Temple) searches for her long-lost father, and flushes it away in a haze of standard road-trip silliness. It’d be hard to conceive of a movie more painstakingly comprised of dramatic filler than this one, in which nothing of consequence happens until the climax. Danielle and her shy study buddy Clarke (Jeremy Dozier) take off from Oklahoma for California, in the hope of finding the absentee paterfamilias who knows not of her existence. Both misfits are escaping unfortunate home situations: Danielle’s mom Sue-Anne (Milla Jovovich), a former “dirty girl” herself, wants to settle down with the domineering Mormon Ray (William H. Macy). Clarke has it worse. His father Joseph (Dwight Yoakam) abuses him, sends him to therapy and threatens military school if his son can’t repress his homosexuality.

After reading that headline, fans of J. Scott Campbell’s comic books series “Danger Girl” might have had their heads explode. And even people who don’t know what “Danger Girl” is are most likely now intrigued. Say what you will about the Underworld and Resident Evil series; they’re not great, but they managed to cast leading ladies so appealing that they just keep making money and getting more sequels produced anyways. And now this new action adventure tale looks to take both of those leads, Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich, and have them running around in skin tight outfits together. Plus they’re going to throw in Modern Family’s buxom and charismatic Sofia Vergara for good measure. I’ve maybe never heard better news in my entire life. Does that sound misogynistic? Who cares… hot ladies shooting guns and doing high kicks! Yeah! For the uninitiated, Danger Girl takes the James Bond concept and turns it on its head. We still get the sultry Bond girls, but this time they are the secret operatives kicking all of the ass. Danger Girl Freelance Operations Limited is kind of like the A-Team, but with hot chicks instead of grizzly old dudes and a black guy with a Mohawk. They often run afoul of a group of neo-Nazis called the Hammer Empire, and there’s even an Indiana Jones type mystical relic hunting aspect to their ongoing adventures. Basically, Danger Girl has everything.

Ambitious. Bold. Serious. Groundbreaking. None of these words can be sanely used to describe the vibe emanating from the trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson’s “adaptation” of The Three Musketeers. This a W.S. Anderson picture through and through. This trailer does a fantastic job at selling a future camp classic in the making, and I don’t even mean that in an ironic way, either.

When I write this column, I typically don’t get the opportunity to write about movies from my teen years. I, like many, came into a cinephilic love for art and foreign cinema during college, and in that process grew to appreciate The Criterion Collection. Richard Linklater’s Dazed and Confused (1993), however, is a movie that’s followed me through various changes in my life for (I’m just now realizing as I write this) about half of my time thus far spent on Earth.

It’s possible that Paul W.S. Anderson’s The Three Musketeers will be the smartest adaptation of the novel yet. This trailer doesn’t help the odds of that possibility. What it does show is plenty of fighting, some beautiful explosions, and Milla Jovovich awkwardly spinning with Shirley Temple curls in her hair. Hand-cranked flame thrower? Flying war ship? Buckled swash? These are all great things, and this trailer has them in spades and fleur de lis. Check it out:

Fans rejoice!! Robert De Niro can still act. I know this because he’s been given his most complicated material in well over a decade.

Fans rejoice!! Edward Norton is still one of the most versatile actors we have. I know this because I never questioned his portrayal of a corn-row sporting arsonist with a colorfully street form of Detroit dialect.

Fans rejoice!! Milla Jovovich is more than a zombie killer. I know this because despite De Niro’s best work in years and Norton’s further solidification of top-tier performers Jovovich steals the camera’s attention from both with an impressively complex depiction of a conniving seductress with an innocent outer candy shell.

Stone, if you can’t already tell, is very much an actors film. Each character is given a prominent arc with each’s affective behavior causing changes, or an exposing of something already there under the surface, in each other. Jack Mabry (De Niro) is a parole officer a few weeks shy of retirement when he meets Gerald “Stone” Creeson (Edward Norton), a man serving time for setting the house of his grandparents on fire after they were murdered by one of his friends. Creeson is to be one of Mabry’s final cases before heading off into the sunset and it’s up to him to determine whether he feels Creeson has been rehabilitated and can rejoin society. Creeson, not feeling particularly confident in his relationship with Mabry decides to get his wife (Jovovich) to seduce Mabry to hopefully sway his decision to get him released. This leads to a sequence of emotional turmoil, religious enlightenment and regretful indulgences that are met with uncomfortable revelations.

This past weekend saw the cinematic glory of Resident Evil: Afterlife pushing past security to get into your local theater even though it was moving slower than an instant replay in a curling match. The absolute atrocity of this film raises a lot of questions, but one of the first and foremost is whether or not directors should work with their spouses in a leading role. Paul W.S. Anderson, who thinks Milla Jovovich is as big an action star as Sigourney Weaver, is also married to Milla Jovovich, and while we can’t prove causation for the low marks in her performance here – we can certainly point to correlation. We can also point to 9 more husband and wife teams in order to find out if working with your legally bound significant other is really such a great idea.

Resident Evil: Afterlife was awful. On no uncertain terms, it was slow (literally), boring, and had some of the worst action that an action film has put on the screen since Terminator Salvation. Which, of course, means that there will be another one. Not only did the film promise one in its closing moments, the box office take was strong, and Milla Jovovich is promising one. She’s also claiming that the production is talking to fans to get input – so now that you have their ear, what would you want? [Vulture]

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr announces that he is quitting his career as a film critic and plans to start a new career crooning to the tunes of Zamphir and his pan flute. Frank Stallone, the less-famous brother of an A-list actor, will be shooting a documentary of the entire thing. However, as one last hurrah, Kevin cracks some knuckles with his ruler and grades the new films this week, Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D and I’m Still Here. (Yes, he is aware that it’s Bella Swan’s birthday this weekend, but haven’t we had enough Twilight for a while?)

Sometimes a movie is so special that it cannot be contained by the standard review. When that happens, we’re more than happy to write an open letter to the production in the hopes of making everyone’s day a little brighter. In the case of Resident Evil: Afterlife, it’s about as special a movie as I’ve seen in a while.

It’s an uncommon thing when a film opening in less than 20 markets is getting more notoriety than the one opening on 2,800 screens. Such is the case this weekend. Resident Evil: Afterlife is the clear winner in terms of size. It has a rather good chance of even coming out #1. However, the most talked about film of the weekend features Joaquin Phoenix, a beard, and a year in the life of secluded madness. You be the judge who the true winner is. We’re just here to talk about box office.

Sorry to have denied you all for so long. I know that secretly the only project you cared about at Comic-Con was Resident Evil: Afterlife, the 3D fourth installment of the strangely popular and oddly addicting video game adaptation series. Paul W.S. Anderson is back in the director’s chair for this go-round after having abandoned ship post the first film – which in my opinion, is the worst of three. Potentially a bad sign. I’d love to take this write-up seriously, but having seen the trailer I can’t really do so, seeing as how I’m not sure the movie took itself seriously. At all. Sure, there is something to be said for campy fun, but if you’re going to talk about how your camera costs $100,000 and came from the set of Avatar, you might want to hit “Record-Normal” rather than “Record-Ultra Slow Motion.” You may also want to consider turning off the sprinklers.

Forgive me if you’ve seen this already, but a new trailer for the Overture Films release Stone, starring Edward Norton, Robert De Niro and Milla Jovovich has hit the web. We’re not sure exactly where it originated from — it was sent to us by a reader named Rabid Rabbit (clever, I suppose) — but we do find it interesting. It’s a crime thriller about an inmate and his girlfriend trying to set up a corrections officer using the one thing that usually works — sex.

Judging by the list of names released today, Paul W.S. Anderson has never read The Three Musketeers.

For a second, you had to think about which Paul Anderson is the good one. Feel free to read this news and wonder what a PTA Buck Rogers would look like drinking your milkshake.

I want you to think of your favorite movie. Play it out on the big screen in your head and fall in love with it all over again. Now I want you to imagine that someone ruins it for you before you get to see it.

With the Saw films firmly on the ice flow of sequels toward apocalypse, the question I keep coming back to is, “where are horror films going to go from here?” Enter the attempt of The Fourth Kind.