Why?

In a sea of some of the most important pictures the world has known to date – why? In a collection spanning nearly one-hundred years of film history and inclusive of a large portion of the greatest filmmakers we’ve ever known…why? With a library containing movies which focus heavily on visual artistry and emotional complexities and probably have a combined budget *possibly* equal to that of this film…why? With another picture released the same year about pretty much the same thing made by a studio from the same country garnering stronger critical reception and sporting an [in]arguably more plausible solution and execution to the prevention of the end of the world via meteors the size of really, really big things…WHY? Why is this mammoth-sized summer blockbuster which is a masterpiece of the color orange alongside some of the most revered pictures of the last (nearly) 100 years?

The answer is simple, concrete, and indisputable:

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; we pity all the fools, not just those named April. Normally, this is the weekly internet column wherein I lambaste a terrible movie for which, despite its innumerable flaws, I harbor an unnatural love. In other words, plenty of snark peppered with honest admiration that only further calls into question my already dubious taste. Right about the time your brain is massaged into a warm, gelatinous goo, I supply a nasty/delicious snack food item tied into the film to similarly soften your six pack. But this week is different. I have been asked, and have subsequently agreed but only under protest, to cover a film far too excellent to warrant purchase on this awful little column. A film so cerebral, so beautiful, so auteur that it is an insult to film as an art form to allow it to suffer my irreverent, unworthy treatment. I hate that this movie will now be counted among the rank and file of cinematic garbage to which my proclivities typically run. That being said, I never back down from a challenge and, though it may suck some of the life from me, I now present…Armageddon.

A few bits of news have come down the pipe so close together that it is almost impossible they aren’t related. Ever since Michael Bay’s blockbuster hit Armageddon came out in 1998, film fans all over the planet have been clamoring for further adventures from Ben Affleck and company. Well, it’s now looking like things are coming together in a way that will allow everyone to get their wish. After a very public break, Aerosmith front man and current judge on TV’s American Idol Steven Tyler has confirmed via his Twitter account that the band is going to head back into the studio together. Tyler stated, “AEROFREAKSREJOICE, Joe & I sent smoke signals… shot the shit & chewed the fat for the last year… but just smoked the peace pipe for an hour today and are on our way to rock’in your fkin worlds this summer by locking our selves [sic] away somewhere w/ guitars and drums.” Aerosmith has had several hits going all the way back to the 60s, but they are, of course, best known for their contribution to the Armageddon soundtrack, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” Almost concurrent to this announcement, Tyler’s daughter Liv talked to FOX about she and her father trying to make some music together. “We sing all the time together. We always talk about doing something together. Sometimes when he is in the studio he’ll say ‘come down and sing backup or sing with me on this song.’ But I’m usually [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

With just how astounding Armageddon is, it’s no wonder that the world is clamoring for a sequel. Wishful thinking propels us to think that Jerry Bruckheimer and Touchstone (a company which still exists) are champing at the bit to make a deal with Michael Bay as soon as he’s off of his giant damned robots kick. Sadly, the reality is much bleaker than that, and even if the stars align the right way for a sequel to get made, an asteroid will undoubtedly crash right through them and create a global extinction event that swallows Armageddon 2 whole. For one, even though Bay is moving on from Transformers once Dark of the Moon hits theaters later this year, he’s also contractually tied to about a dozen other projects. They range from Bad Boys 3 – which might arouse hope of another 90s sequel -  to novel adaptation Gideon’s Sword. But what’s really keeping his attention? His Platinum Dunes duties and other producing work. Plainly put, if the sequel to Armageddon that every single human being wants to happen happens, Bay won’t be the helmer (and what kind of sequel would that be? You think Peter Berg can pull that off?). “But Damon Lindelof wrote that stellar script!” you say. It’s true. Sadly, it sits languishing unmade, just like 99% of all written scripts and 98% of all optioned scripts. Even with the overwhelming, Texas-sized financial incentive (matched with the studio model of throwing $200 million at anything with even mild [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

A little more than 100 years ago, cinema was a deceivingly simple spectacle. Late 19th-century vaudeville audiences would attend variety shows and be introduced to this new technological apparatus that could reproduce moving images of anything, from people arriving at a train station to a prolonged kiss. Cinema could even realize the potential of imagination through practical special effects. So much potential. So much promise. Audiences and filmmakers wondered and debated throughout the next few decades not only what this device was, but what cinema should be or could become. Essays were written, manifestos were signed, and camps all around the world situated themselves within particular “isms” and would fight for the notion that the ideal potential achievement of cinema would be this or that. They imagined futures in which pure expression through the 7th art – that medium that could contain all collective art forms, reproduce and manipulate reality, manifest fantasy, and move masses of captivated audiences simultaneously in a way no communicative form before or since has been able to do – could actually take place, thus allowing us to finally understand what cinema really is. Then came Armageddon. And all these questions were finally answered.

Every day, come rain or shine or internet tubes breaking, Film School Rejects showcases a trailer from the past. “I’m marrying you.” “You bet you are!” Is there a more gut-punching emotional moment in a trailer in the history of ever? There is not. Ben Affleck stars alongside Bruce Willis in this explosive action flick directed by Michael Bay. You just don’t see much of this movie anymore, but it definitely deserves the attention. You won’t want to close your eyes or miss a thing while watching this trailer. Check out the trailer for yourself:

Hollywood has on several occasions done things in pairs. Skyline and Battle: LA. Volcano and Dante’s Peak. Debbie Does Dallas and Donnie Does Denver. Every time this happens we ask ourselves two questions: first, why? Second, which one was better? In the grand history of competing, similarly plotted movies, no two films have ever inspired more conversation and debate than Deep Impact and Armageddon. This is ridiculous. Not because it’s a waste of time to debate movies like this, but because there is no debate. Armageddon makes Deep Impact look a pair of monkeys painted the world’s most boring book in baby shit and then populated it with a bunch of actors you remembered from other movies. Armageddon is the vastly superior film and anyone who doesn’t recognize that sends me past my boiling point.

Griffith. Ford. Welles. Kubrick. Scorsese. Allen. Spielberg. No one would argue that these men are a few of the great visionaries who worked their magic on the U.S. cinematic landscape. But after 1998, all of their previous work just seemed…petty. That’s because 1998 was the year Armageddon showed up on our radar screens, giving us little time to prepare our viewing strategies before unleashing a force of hyperkentic visuals that splattered our brains on the back of theater seats. This wasn’t just a movie about a meteor coming to destroy Earth, it was the meteor, and in the wake of its war path, movies were never the same again. What exactly did Michael Bay do that changed cinema forever? The list is endless, but here are nine bold moves the renegade auteur took to ensure his place in Hollywood history:

Late last night DC Metro Area resident Jonathan Turk purchased a copy of the double disc Criterion Collection DVD release of Armageddon. The purchase was made at an Alexandria, VA Wal-mart, and came from what Turk described as the store’s “five dollar bin,” but what must have been where they keep movies that are selling too fast to keep on the shelves. I imagine an entire bin of movies allows staff members a break when it comes to restocking red-hot titles. When asked what spurned his late night purchase, Turk said, “I was driving back into town and I remembered that I didn’t have cable hooked up at my new place yet, so I stopped off to find a movie to watch.” When asked what drew him to Armageddon, Turk replied, “It was the cheapest. And I remember it being pretty good, right? That’s not the one with Morgan Freeman, is it?” Clearly, Armageddonmania is still running wild on the East Coast. With yet another purchase of Armageddon on DVD, one has to wonder where this puts the film when it comes to total worldwide gross. According to Box Office Mojo, Armageddon’s worldwide gross in ticket sales comes to $553,709,788. That comes from totaling its domestic gross of $201,578,182 and it’s overseas take of $352,131,606. That puts it at #66 in the all-time list, just behind Tangled, which has brought in roughly 569.7 million dollars. When you add in home video sales, it becomes more difficult to see where it [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

Ever wake up in the morning with your head pounding? Chances are, that happened after trying one of our many drinking games. It also might have happened after spending a night watching films by Michael Bay. If your head is really, really pounding, you might have played a drinking game while watching the balls-to-the-wall explosive Michael Bay extravaganza known as Armageddon. Or, it could be the real Armageddon happening. Either way, it’s best enjoyed with a drink in hand. Awesome!

Every week, Landon Palmer and Cole Abaius log on to their favorite chat client of 1996 as Dontwannamissathang and AffleckFan23 in order to discuss some topical topic of interest. This week, the pair tries to envision a movie world where Armageddon was never made. How would people survive that? As a result, the merits of the film’s acting, philosophy and subtext are brought to light. Comparisons to Ingmar Bergman are made. Lives are changed. Spoilers for The Sixth Sense and Armageddon are revealed. Fortunately, this nightmarish landscape is only imaginary, because Armageddon did get made, and it’s available to watch whenever we feel like it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Leonard Nimoy, but he’s a veteran actor that has been around the scene for quite a while. I’m told he’s famous for playing something called A Spock in one of the Star Wars movies, but personally I can only place him as being the guy who played Paul McGuire on a 1983 episode of T.J. Hooker. Anyways, fans of all things science fiction have been given reason to rejoice as Inside Movies is reporting that Nimoy has signed on to voice the character of Sentinel Prime in Michael Bay’s third film in his Transformers series. Sentinel Prime is the robot that led the Autobots before Optimus Prime, and whose wreckage we saw astronauts exploring in the film’s stylish teaser trailer. Neat. No matter what you feel about Michael Bay or his movies, if you grew up watching Nimoy and playing with Transformer action figures, then this has to give you at least some sort of nostalgic tingle in your geek heart. Huge Transformers fans probably already know that Nimoy voiced Galvatron in the 1986 animated Transformers: The Movie, so the nostalgia thing is working on multiple levels here. When talking about why it has taken until the third movie to get Nimoy on board this franchise, Michael Bay was quoted as saying, “I was too scared to ask him. Plus, he’s married to Susan Bay, who’s a cousin of mine. So I had to be careful. I’ve met him at family functions. [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly column about movie news that wasn’t big enough to get quality real estate on the home page. Or the stuff that everyone else missed. But you won’t miss it! Because it’s all right here! “I think he has a script ready to start of a new film, a Southern. I think it’s really exciting. It’s another new story and a fresh piece of material that he is channeling at the moment.” That’s Uma Thurman, talking about Quentin Tarantino’s next film.

Hey, guess what. I’m in Las Vegas this weekend and the sooner I get through this nightly commitment I made without thinking very hard about it, the sooner I can get back to doing nefarious things with the company’s money. What do you mean I can’t get the Bellagio fountains to form the FSR logo? Come on! Anyway, here are a few quick ones to keep you warm on a lonely Friday night.

What is Movie News After Dark? This is a question that I am almost never asked, but I will answer it for you anyway. Movie News After Dark is FSR’s newest late-night secretion, a column dedicated to all of the news stories that slip past our daytime editorial staff and make it into my curiously chubby RSS ‘flagged’ box. It will (but is not guaranteed to) include relevant movie news, links to insightful commentary and other film-related shenanigans. I may also throw in a link to something TV-related here or there. It will also serve as my place of record for being both charming and sharp-witted, but most likely I will be neither of the two. I write this stuff late at night, what do you expect?

What is Movie News After Dark? This is a question that I am almost never asked, but I will answer it for you anyway. Movie News After Dark is FSR’s newest late-night secretion, a column dedicated to all of the news stories that slip past our daytime editorial staff and make it into my curiously chubby RSS ‘flagged’ box. It will (but is not guaranteed to) include relevant movie news, links to insightful commentary and other film-related shenanigans. I may also throw in a link to something TV-related here or there. It will also serve as my place of record for being both charming and sharp-witted, but most likely I will be neither of the two. I write this stuff late at night, what do you expect?

There has been the odd occasion throughout the years we’ve taken a moment to talk about commercials. Whether it was starring Michael Bay (Verizon FiOS is AWESOME) or directed by him (Victoria’s Secret is out), or just something especially cool, we’ll talk about it. So it would then make sense to talk about them now, the day after the Super Bowl, which is far more entertaining because of the commercials than the actual game. Okay, the fourth quarter was alright this year. Anyway, I don’t walk to talk about the specifics of these commercials because that’s not actually what this is about. You see, this year I did a little experiment. I didn’t watch most of the Super Bowl and I skipped almost all of the commercials. Why? Because I wanted to know if I had seen them already. So when people started describing these commercials to me about how funny they were – I already knew. And that is bullshit. Click through to find out why.

Just yesterday, another trailer for another alien invasion film used old footage to make its mark. Today, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has that beat by using real footage of the Apollo moon landing in order to change history. Apparently when we lost contact with the ship, that’s when their real job began. This trailer feels more like the first few minutes of the film, but that might be a good thing. It certainly does its job as a teaser. It’s still unclear what kind of story is going to be told, but it will most likely be a matter of bad robots wanting something and good robots fighting to keep it from them. Shia LaBeouf will share in some wacky antics, scream “Nononono!” a lot, and run around in order to save the universe. All the while, everything will look absolutely, breathtakingly epic. Plus, they seem to be highlighting the Spielbergian nature of the film – both with his name up top and the tone of the time period. Whether or not the film will sync up on the second lion roar of The Wizard of Oz has yet to be seen, but holy hell does it look incredible. Michael Bay knows how to deliver a stunning image. Hopefully a better story can go along with it. [Apple]

One doesn’t have to do with the other, but both are happening. The extra who was injured when a cable ripped through her vehicle and her skull last month is now suing Paramount Pictures for negligence. Gabriel Cedillo might also want to think about suing them for the name they’ve changed the movie to. It was inevitable, following the pattern of Revenge of the Fallen that we’d see a Noun of the Noun name, but why they saw fit to cause hundreds of Pink Floyd references crop up is unclear. The new title, of course, is Transformers: The Dark of the Moon. [Cinematical]

You may have heard this already, but part of Michael Bay’s Transformers 3 — notably one of the big final action set pieces — will take place in the heart of downtown Chicago. And while we don’t know, nor would we be interested in sharing, the details of the plot that lead the film to the Windy City, we do think it sounds like fun to see an epic war between alien robots and humanity break out in the same neighborhood where Christopher Nolan staged Gotham’s finest moments. I also have this excellent theory as to why Transformers 3 will be far and away the best of the series. But we’ll save that for another day. Today we have some footage of the destruction down on the Michigan Avenue set, where Michael Bay has turned the usually pristine heart of Chicago to rubble. He does like to blow things up, doesn’t he?