A hearty welcome back to all of you faithful readers of Junkfood Cinema, confused as you may be by the day-late nature of this week’s entry. As you were told in last week’s most excellent entry by Mrs. Junkfood Cinema, Brian is taking some time off in the month of September, so a hand-picked group of Rejects will be keeping the lights on in one of our most prized columns with a series of guest entries. This week, it is my turn. Which meant two things: it gave me the opportunity to introduce our resident Schlocktologist Mr. Salisbury and his ever-bearded compatriot Luke Mullen to one of my own favorite instances of cinematic indigestion, and that the column would be a day late — because that’s how I roll. (In reality, the day late problem occurred due to the fact that I was moving this week and may or may not have misplaced my copy of Lady Terminator in the move.) Thankfully, I was able to extract my copy of Lady Terminator from the wreckage of my recent move and host a Friday evening that would ultimately be filled with vagina snakes, single-shot Uzis, Bronson Pinchot’s Indonesian doppleganger and the Malaysian Miley Cyrus in the first (and most apt) franchise reboot of James Cameron’s Terminator. This night was about a mostly nude lady on a rampage. First she mates, then she terminates. Either way, she’s going to steal your heart.

Comic-Con is a fun event for film fans hoping to get their first peek at upcoming blockbusters and the stars behind them, but I’ve always been a lot more partial to film festivals. Why? Because film fests are all about actually watching films. (Yes, I know studios have recently started hosting screenings during Comic-Con but they still number in the single digits and they’re always future wide-release movies anyway.) Trailer previews and scenes are fun to watch at the Con, and while I won’t be attending this month I hope to get back again with the FSR crew next year. But a solid film festival trumps everything the Con has to offer by virtue of the number and variety of films available. The best fest, hands down, is Austin’s Fantastic Fest (which I’ll be eating, drinking, and breathing this September), but it’s not the only one worth watching…

Let me get this straight. An Asian director is remaking an American director’s movie? And it’s a revenge film?

Forget the Zohan! With the Zohan, the worst thing that can happen is you’ll get squeezed between his unnaturally hard butt cheeks. With these other characters, you risk death… or worse.