Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; always four-scored…on a scale of 100. You’ve cannonballed into the Internet’s second best antebellum bad movie column; unable to compete with Prospector Pappy’s Dagnab Bad Opera Hootenanny, but still way ahead of hopelessly post-bellum Dandy Dan’s Vaudeville Flawedville. Every week, we are torn apart by an internal civil war. On the one hand, we have the taste and fortitude of reason to understand that certain movies are categorically terrible. Unfortunately, a rebellious faction of our brain seeks to secede from our senses and declare the film entertaining and worthy of praise. When we finally reach our figurative Appomattox, we celebrate the retention of mental union by enjoying a disgustingly tasty treat themed to the movie in question. This week, a film appeared in the theaters of America that dared to challenge our perceptions of narrative cohesiveness as well as our elementary school text books. A movie that dared to prove the old maxim that it is better to remain silent and be thought a crappy movie by the poster, than to begin reel one and remove all doubt. That movie was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Demonstrating all the commitment to truth and fact as routinely does The History Channel, the film, based on the novel of the same name,  supposes a world in which our sixteenth president, The Great Emancipator, was also a  great decapitator of the bloodsucking undead. This willful abandon of all got-damn sense sparked our imaginations, and our wanton desire for copious

When I write this column, I typically don’t get the opportunity to write about movies from my teen years. I, like many, came into a cinephilic love for art and foreign cinema during college, and in that process grew to appreciate The Criterion Collection. Richard Linklater’s Dazed and Confused (1993), however, is a movie that’s followed me through various changes in my life for (I’m just now realizing as I write this) about half of my time thus far spent on Earth.

This week, on a very special episode of Reject Radio, Rob Hunter and I delve deep into the pressing questions facing the Catholic Church Movie-Making Industry.

Whomever plays Kurt Cobain, has to be Kurt Cobain. Some actors can get away with a less than passing resemblance with the strength of their performance, but Robert Pattinson is not him. However, here are five actors who might be able to do it…

Courtney Love wants Scarlett Johansson to play her in a Kurt Cobain biopic. What’s next? Angelina Jolie as Rosie O’Donnell?