When it was first announced that Adam Sandler and his friends were going to be providing the voice cast for the upcoming animated monster movie Hotel Transylvania, I didn’t panic. Even though Adam Sandler movies have been traveling on an increasingly downward slope to the point where he’s now one of the most embarrassing figures in Hollywood, and even though these are the guys who are responsible for the crime against humanity that was Grown Ups, I didn’t throw a fit. And that’s mainly because the movie is being directed by Genndy Tartakovsky, who has done pretty universally amazing animated work on things like Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Laboratory, and Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Surely he wouldn’t mess this movie up, right? And Sandler and his buddies won’t have near as much opportunity to goof off, throw a bunch of half-baked, juvenile crap at the screen, and call it a day when working in the world of animation. So there wasn’t much to fear here, right? Well, I must have either missed the fact or blocked out the fact that Miley Cyrus is going to be voicing the character of Dracula’s daughter Mavis, because now I’m really starting to get scared about this movie. There are few things in the world I find more gratingly incompetent than the sound of Disney actresses trying to deliver comedy on Disney TV shows. If Cyrus brings the comedic sensibilities of Hannah Montana to the big screen, where comedic delivery means shouting things as [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

Over the course of his screenwriting career, Charlie Kaufman has developed a set of go-to moves. They are the tricks up his sleeve that allow him to craft narratives that throw the way we traditionally watch movies off kilter. One of the things he does is call identity into question. He casts John Malkovich as himself, or he casts Nicolas Cage as Charlie Kaufman, then he makes us question what aspects of those on screen characters accurately reflect the real person, and how much of them are solely invention; the crafted traits of a fictional character created by Charlie Kaufman.

Normally, when I hear that either Adam Sandler or Kevin James has a new movie coming out, I wince in anticipation of it. Kind of like when you know you’re about to get hit by a baseball. I didn’t quite have this reaction to the news that they’ve signed on to Sony Pictures Animation’s Hotel Transylvania, however, and there are a couple reasons for that. The first reason is that the new film is set to be directed by Genndy Tartakovsky, who has done some great TV work with Samurai Jack, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and Dexter’s Laboratory. Everything I’ve seen from Tartakovsky has been slick, stylish, and interesting. I’m excited at the prospect of what he might come up with when jumping from small screen to big, and Sandler and James’ recent track records aren’t enough to deter me from seeing this one.

Every week, Landon Palmer and Cole Abaius log on to their favorite chat client of 1996 as MrSmith1939 and 2BorNot2B in order to discuss some topical topic of interest. This week, the two daydream the ultimate reboot – an entire era of filmmaking brought back to life through the lens of modern directors. What styles should we bring back and homage? It is a good idea to let nostalgia drive us artistically? Will people in 30 years be harkening back to the Abramsian style?

Sylvester Stallone voices a lion, teaches Kevin James how to woo the likes of Leslie Bibb. Somehow, some way, Zookeeper is going to be a smash hit just like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And by smash, I’m of course referring to the collective heads of smart people everywhere and their relationships to nearby walls. But remember, Columbia Pictures wouldn’t be making movies like this if movies like Grown Ups didn’t gross $268 million worldwide. It’s our own damn fault. As penance, lets all watch the trailer together.

What would you do if you found out your best friend’s wife was cheating on him? I’ll tell you what I’d do… I’d get myself a drink. Then I’d sit my best friend down, pour him a drink and show him The Dilemma. If he doesn’t figure it out by then, tough beans. A dilemma like this might not be as fun as a night on the town with Vince Vaughn and Kevin James, but you can get a taste of it with the film of the same name.

Today is Valentine’s Day for all of those out there who have no reason to recognize such a holiday. You know, that old holiday dating back to 4 B.C. where we celebrate all the different kinds of candy Jesus gave to his secret crushes. Or something like that, I’m not really into all that religion stuff. But since today is the day we’re forced to celebrate love I thought I’d take a mere moment to shit on the idea. No, not on love itself, but just on how the idea is executed in film and television. Hollywood gets a lot of things wrong when it comes to love – like it lasting forever or being so darn cute and awkward. Whatever. If there is one thing Hollywood really get’s wrong is the ladder dynamic of relationships. That is, most of the time, hot people love hot people and not people love not people – because they have to.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dresses up in a trench coat and hat, wears a mask and runs around the streets of his fair city with his strong and agile Asian manservant. The plan: When arrested, tell the police he is trying to emulate the crime-fighting career of the Green Hornet. If he can get away with that, he plans on tracking down two doughy but funny guys who are having sexual relations with super-hot Hollywood type ladies and try to steal their girlfriends away. Or, he just might sit on the couch and watch movies after telling you what he thinks of The Green Hornet and The Dilemma.

Once upon a time Vince Vaughn and his motormouth soliloquies could steal the show in any bromance, romantic comedy or 70s TV remake. The man could talk about nothing but being a motor boating son of gun and it would provide a much need laugh to a half-baked comedic plot. In The Dilemma, he officially ran out of gas and is running on empty with not even vapors to help him out. Vaughn stars here as Ronny Valentine, who is the dynamic in the duo with automobile partner Nick Brannen played by fellow jelly bellied comic, Kevin James. As Ronny and Nick are about to make a lifetime deal with Dodge-Chrysler Motors, Ronny sees Nick’s wife Geneva (Wynona Ryder) knocking boots with young hipster Zip (Channing Tatum). This not only puts Ronny in a bind to either tell Nick  or lose the lifetime deal, but alienates him from his heart-of-gold girlfriend Beth (Jennifer Connelly). What follows is a series of dead-end soliloquies and stalker antics by Vaughn with intermittent and awkward sermons about gambling addiction followed by a return to the bromantic “dilemma” at hand.

The gravy train was bound to end someday. Unfortunately, for Adam Sandler and Kevin James (and for audiences) it seems to have broken down outside a hotel where both men are planning on seeking employment. According to Deadline Rochester, Sandler and James are both aiming to star in Valet Guys – a movie about two middle-aged parking attendants who witness a murder and have wacky stuff happen to them after that. Essentially, it’s Men At Work with valets instead of garbage men. Of course, they may need to keep a few garbage men nearby for when the movie is done. James and Sandler have both had strong careers and played their parts in subverting comedy. They should realize that the world expects more from them than falling down a lot and making funny voices. Apparently, they haven’t gotten that memo yet. Sony is probably hiding it from them behind the giant MIB banner at the entrance.

If the purpose of a teaser trailer is to bring you slightly forward in your chair, raise your eyebrow and get you interested in a film, the new teaser for Zookeeper is what it might be to see a strip tease from that lazy janitor that never empties your trash can and eats hot pockets while he buffs the floor. The voice casting is already blatantly bad. Sylvester Stallone sounds like he’s doing his best Sylvester Stallone impression, and it appears as if they’re attempting to make the animal mouths correspond with the speech to disastrous results. Mr. Ed did it better with peanut butter. Long live middling comedy. What’s the over/under on how many times Kevin James falls down in this?

This week, on a very special episode of Reject Radio, Going the Distance screenwriter Geoff LaTulippe (pronounced “La Tulip”) stops by to share his xenophobia, puff on his pipe a little harder, and tell his personal story of getting his first screenplay sold and produced all from the comfort of his living room couch. We also find time to review Easy A, Devil, and The Town.

Before he falls down comically for the MMA film he’s making, Kevin James is going to have to fall down the good old fashioned way. In The Dilemma, the film adaptation of the song “Silence is Golden,” James stars alongside Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Connelly, and Winona Rider for the story of a man who sees his best friend’s wife cheating and has to figure out what to do. Do you say something or stay silent?

Last week on Reject Radio, the question came up as to whether a screenwriter working on a Kevin James film actually writes a detailed description of the joke being told or if he simply writes “Kevin fall down.” The mystery remained unsolved, but Hollywood is giving the world another clue with an untitled project starring James. He’ll play a physics teacher who ends up spending his nights as a mixed martial arts fighter in order to help a financially ailing school and best friend.

Coach Buzzer (Blake Clark), an influential Junior High Basketball coach, has died. His championship team of 1978 gets together for the first time in a long time to reconnect and celebrate the life of a great man at the same lake house where they celebrated victory 30 years before. Lenny Feder (Adam Sandler) is an important Hollywood agent whose wife Roxanne (Salma Hayek Pinault) is a clothing designer. Eric Lamonsoff (Kevin James) is a furniture store manager with a wife (Maria Bello) who still breast feeds their 4-year old son. Kurt McKenzie (Chris Rock) is a house husband who loves cooking shows and getting generally shit on by his wife Deanne (Maya Rudolph). Marcus Higgins (David Spade) is still single and still obsessed with sex. Rob Hilliard (Rob Schneider) is a new age mess who’s married to a woman twice his age named Gloria (Joyce Van Patten).

Kevin and Neil meet up again in the Magical Studio in the Sky to talk about their lackluster thoughts on this week’s new movies… and boobs. They also contemplate why movies aren’t making as much money this summer and what are the best sandwiches they have ever had.

I find myself shaking my head and wondering how the titans of my youth (and Kevin James) could end up here. I have to assume that, in some small or large degree, they’re asking themselves the same question. Sandler got his start making funny noises, Rock was a cultural icon with a lot of funny things to say about racial relations, Schneider annoyed everyone by the copy machine, and Spade annoyed everyone while they got off a plane, but all of these men created phrases that were repeated ad nauseam around the water cooler. Kevin James has always based his comedy around being large (like a non-threatening Chris Farley), so his trajectory to this point seems less confusing, but for the others, it’s almost like seeing the neutering of sharp comedic minds come to fruition. And they’re all doing it in one convenient movie.

As is the case with most stock studio comedies, it takes more than just big names to make a comedy worth watching. Except for the fact that your trailer should also be funny. Which this is not.

Kevin James turns to captive animals for relationship advice. Expect dates filled with poo flinging, leg humping, and awkward sex. (Robert Fure will most likely identify.)

We make it sound like it could be some kind of twisted, psycho-sexual, torture porn thriller don’t we? But no. It’s a romantic comedy.