This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr goes rogue and infiltrates his local IMAX theater. First, he scales the wall of the plus-sized building and slides in undetected through the air vents. He slowly lowers himself into a theater seat to enjoy an early screening of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a wild crowd of six-year-old kids for the early screening of the latest Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. To deal with the psychological damage, Kevin then stumbles into the Sherlock Holmes sequel and later finds an extra seat in Young Adult, where he can imagine that his chubby caboose could land a hottie like Charlize Theron.

There is absolutely no satisfying way to explain and introduce Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked in a classic film review format, because of one major hurdle – it’s a film about singing chipmunks that get shipwrecked (sigh, chipwrecked) on a seemingly unpopulated island. It’s hard to believe this is a real film (it’s nearly impossible to also believe that it’s the third film in a franchise), and it’s even harder to attempt to talk about it in a critical and professional manner. But let’s try. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked opens with human moron Dave Seville (Jason Lee) and his six-pack of fuzzy (children? paychecks? vermin?) heading off on what is meant to be restful holiday cruise. Dave is understandably exhausted after spending years of his life raising six chipmunks – Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Brittany, Jeanette, and the other one – who are also international signing superstars. The seven of them plan to use the cruise to relax before hitting the International Music Awards (sort of like the MTV Video Music Awards, but somehow even less important), where the boys (Alvin and the Chipmunks, so much for Simon and Theodore’s name recognition) and the girls (The Chipettes, much more equal opportunity) will likely rack up a bevy of awards. Of course, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes ultimately get marooned on a tropical island, thanks to (shockingly!) a move by ol’ troublemaker Alvin, a plan so stupid that even these damn singing chipmunks should have realized the depth of their idiocy [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

File this under “irrelevant for another couple of years” but news has arrived on the next installment of the Die Hard franchise. If you’re surprised that there’s going to be another one then you clearly haven’t been paying attention. The fourth film, Live Free or Die Hard, is commonly thought to the worst of the series, but that distinction is actually held by Renny Harlin’s Die Hard 2: Die Harder. More important than quality though is the fact that the last installment was the highest grossing of the four. And since it was also the first to be rated PG-13 expect that to be the standard going forward. Twitch is reporting two bits of news on the film. First up, while the director’s chair is far from locked down they’ve learned that an offer has gone out to John Moore and the job is his if he wants it. He’d be a fool to pass it up… his last movie was the visually impressive but otherwise stupid Max Payne, and his best work remains his feature debut, Behind Enemy Lines. Go ahead and laugh, but it’s a fun flick that looks solid and gets a worthwhile performance out of Owen Wilson. And second, a minor plot detail has arrived in the form of location and characters. It appears the plan is for McClane and his son to encounter trouble in Russia that inevitably results in gunfire, explosions, and a fight scene while balancing on the whirring blades of a helicopter. [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

Everyone remembers where they were when they first heard that President Abraham Lincoln had been assassinated. I was in third grade, under the creepy Catholic tutelage of Sister Hermina (she refused to die!), and the lesson on Lincoln’s presidency had come to dramatic and shocking conclusion. Granted, those aren’t the words I would have used to describe it at the time, but I do recall feeling frustrated, confused, and angered at the tall, bearded man’s death. So why open a film review with a reference to a grade school history lesson? Because the film in question, Robert Redford’s The Conspirator, feels like a two-hour lecture on some of the very same material. Viewers learn about the coordinated assault against Lincoln and two members of his cabinet, the capture and conviction of those responsible, and their subsequent hangings for the crimes. While the material here is more detailed than the lesson taught by zombie nun it’s also presented dryly, without any real energy, emotion, or drama, and very much in the spirit of a made-for-television movie. It doesn’t help matters that Redford uses his directorial lectern to include some incredibly unsubtle and politicized comparisons to our own modern day battles between personal freedoms and national security.

I’m going to share something with you. I have a sick obsession with sex movies. I don’t mean I always watch them with salacious intentions, because I have to draw the line between art and pornography somewhere. Let me be clear, I really enjoy a movie whose sole purpose is to titillate a viewer so much that they question what they are really watching. I’ve spent many nights snuggled up on my couch cringing my way through Catherine Breillat’s many sex shockers. I made a boyfriend attend a viewing party for the highly controversial, yet exceptionally boring, 9 Songs. I’ve even gotten into fights with Netflix over its recommendation of Salo based on my high rating of Irreversible. Those last two movies have nothing in common, by the way. Sex-centric dramas have been a secret, back alley passion of mine. But in all my years devouring these movies, I rarely see comedies that both deal frankly with sex and show it. Sex is usually the butt of a joke in comedies, rather than a catalyst for moving a couple forward.

Robert Redford has directed a movie starring James McAvoy, Robin Wright Penn, Kevin Kline, Tom Wilkinson, Danny Huston, Stephen Root, Colm Meaney, Toby Kebbell, and Evan Rachel Wood. That should be enough to cause excitement. The Conspirator tells the story of the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln and the ensuing police action and trial of the conspirators – including Mary Surratt, who became despised by an entire country. She was guilty until proven innocent. Check out the intense trailer for yourself:

Geoff LaTulippe is at a rare crossroads in his life – he’s just had his first script produced into a major film called Going the Distance. He’s already lined up a next project that sees him writing a zombie romantic comedy, but before he disappears completely into Hollywood, FSR and Reject Radio will get him for one night only. This should be a great opportunity for those listening live on Sunday (10pm EST/9pm CST/5am Khartoum) to get in some questions about starting off in the business of screenwriting and creating a comedy career. Or to just generally harass him about writing in a nude scene for Justin Long. Be there, be square or listen later during that important business meeting you download podcasts specifically for.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr jumps feet first into the world of exploitation pictures. He rips off his shirt to show his prison tats when he sees Machete and then becomes a weapons expert to go head-to-head with George Clooney in The American. Finally, he cringes and rolls his eyes at yet another crappy real-life couple love story with Going the Distance. It’s sad when the highlight of his moviegoing weekend is a Lindsay Lohan nip slip.

You’re lying in bed with the clock reading some un-Godly hour in red analog, and you reach out your hand to find only the cold space of the other side of your bed. You want to pull the one you love close to you, but you can’t, because they’re gone. They aren’t on vacation or out of town for work. They are – for the foreseeable future – living in a completely different city. Most people have found themselves in this position. Even though the concept of the long distance relationship was probably invented when the first tribe realized there was a second tribe (or at least when war starting sending soldiers away for long periods of time), the struggle to keep the fire burning with mileage looming in between is especially appropriate for an age where you can find love on the other end of an internet connection. It’s the challenge of cross-country romance that the main characters of Going the Distance find themselves facing.

A free-wheeling photographer finally wants to settle down with a Swedish pixie dream girl, and even thought neither of them might be ready for the responsibility, they get pregnant. Over the course of nine months, the full spectrum of relationship drama plays out as well as the back stories for the major characters, culminating in the birth of the young human being these two have brought into the world.

Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, Sherlock Holmes and It’s Complicated can make the grade.

Dimension Films has released the full-length trailer for the upcoming comedy Youth in Revolt, starring Michael Cera. It is hilarious, but also quite revealing.

Kevin Carr heads out to the movies this week, giving his take on New Moon, Planet 51, The Blind Side and Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire

Planet 51 may not be an original tale, nor is it a movie from the likes of Pixar or Dreamworks. However, this second trailer is quite a bit of fun.

Set your guns to adorable. Then shoot these little bastards.

Alright Judd Apatow, you win this round (again).

A new comedy from the director of Wild Hogs starring John Travolta and Robin Williams? Your summer just got officially awesome! (Even though the movie doesn’t open until November.)

Sam Raimi attempts to Drag Us to Hell, but being rather tenacious we resist his Three Stooges esque antics and tell him just what worked and what didn’t.

Kevin Carr reviews this week’s new movies: Up and Drag Me to Hell.

The unprecedented has happened in the Magical Studio in the Sky. Not only has Neil seen as many movies this week as Kevin, but they also seem to agree on everything. Surely, this is a sign of the apocalypse. But have no fear. Kevin and Neil will be back with fighting words next week.