This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr goes to war. He strips down to his muscular awesomeness and shimmies into a codpiece. After applying a solid gold breastplate, he’s too exhausted to actually go to war, so he heads to the local movie cinema to catch Immortals, wondering if Isabel Lucas has ever eaten a carbohydrate in her life. Then he slips into a housedress and sneaks into an early screening of J. Edgar. After a quick nap, he tries to escape the horror that is Jack and Jill, but alas, that did not happen. You can send him care packages now, courtesy of his local mental institution.

James Franco has been a busy guy lately, hosting the Oscars and getting involved in just about every high-profile project in development. But did you know that he also does direct-to-DVD psycho-thrillers? I didn’t, either. But apparently he does. In Shadows & Lies, Franco plays William Vincent, a quiet and mysterious criminal. When he falls for a New York gangster’s (Josh Lucas) favorite call girl (Julianne Nicholson), Vincent is forced to flee the city, threatened with death if he should ever return. But after four years in exile, Vincent secretly returns intent on rescuing the woman he loves from her dangerous fate. In this clip, which we are pleased to present exclusively, we see the moment when the quiet criminal, having just stolen a wallet, meets gangster Josh Lucas in a chance encounter. I suspect it won’t be the last time.

What is Movie News After Dark? This is a question that I am almost never asked, but I will answer it for you anyway. Movie News After Dark is FSR’s newest late-night secretion, a column dedicated to all of the news stories that slip past our daytime editorial staff and make it into my curiously chubby RSS ‘flagged’ box. It will (but is not guaranteed to) include relevant movie news, links to insightful commentary and other film-related shenanigans. I may also throw in a link to something TV-related here or there. It will also serve as my place of record for being both charming and sharp-witted, but most likely I will be neither of the two. I write this shit late at night, what do you expect?

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr horses around this week with the legendary racehorse from the 1970s, hoping he too can go home with Diane Lane. After racing out to see Secretariat, he wonders if Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel would be anything more than a pretty couple. Then he gets down on his knees and prays: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I beg you skip My Soul to Take.”.

It’s difficult to find the words to express in reaction to Get Low, mainly because the film doesn’t say much in and of itself. This is not to say that the film is either terrible or magnificent; when one watches Get Low it’s hard to get the sense that it is good or bad as much as it is simply a non-event.

In Stolen tragedies link two fathers, living in the same town some 50 years apart. Each man abandoned his young son for a brief moment, never to see him again. The movie surrounding them is every bit the unpleasant slog one might expect, glum and murkily shot, wallowing in pedantic histrionics and badly lacking the breathing room it desperately needs.