Here’s something sort of bizarre – director Garry Marshall and writer Katherine Fugate‘s latest star-crammed desecration of random, non-religious holidays is not monumentally or irremediably terrible. It is also not good, but it’s certainly better than its predecessor, the rancid Valentine’s Day (though that’s not saying much). New Year’s Eve is not so much a film as a gimmick – tons of stars! lots of plots! all kind of connected! just one day! – and such a gimmick can yield some unexpectedly positive results just as often as it can ending up being simply terrible entertainment not worthy of being called cinema. New Year’s Eve is not so much a film as a two-hour piece of wish fulfillment for the sort of people who read US Weekly on, well, a weekly basis. Unlike Valentine’s Day, its very existence is not offensive, but it’s bloated and kind of boring and really, just really, tremendously unnecessary.

The horror…the horror… The best part about this poster for New Year’s Eve is either that it features all of the names and pictures of the actors, but not in the same order, or that the catchphrase “Let The Countdown Begin” lets us know that it’s a Doomsday Movie. Garry Marshall, who should be ashamed of himself for directing Valentine’s Day, proves once and for all that he owes some serious men down at the race track by stepping up to direct this sequel which seeks to squeeze even less screen time out for even more famous faces. Also, Homeless Hector Elizondo is kind of cruel considering they made everyone else look halfway decent (except for Ashton Kutcher who clearly didn’t show up for a photo shoot and forced the marketing department to find a paparazzi shot of him smiling). Enough with the words! Check it out for yourself, and feel free to largify it by clicking (if you dare):

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr decides to dump Megan Fox and hook up with a sexy British model who will shake her ass in front of a 3D camera for Michael Bay. Sadly, he couldn’t make that happen, so he heads down to the scooter pool at the local community college, hoping to find a free-spirited chick with a name that’s impossible to pronounce. Again, no dice, Chicago. So, Kevin abandons all hope and hides in a theater for almost three hours, watching Michael Bay’s latest spectacle. Then he postpones seeing Larry Crowne so he can stalk teachers from the aforementioned community college, hoping one is as drunk and pretty as Julia Roberts is in her latest film. How could this possibly end badly?

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr horses around this week with the legendary racehorse from the 1970s, hoping he too can go home with Diane Lane. After racing out to see Secretariat, he wonders if Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel would be anything more than a pretty couple. Then he gets down on his knees and prays: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I beg you skip My Soul to Take.”.

There’s a chance I may be reading a bit too much into the trailer below… The Romantics stars Katie Holmes as a young woman who reunites with six college friends the night before two of them are to be married. The bride (Anna Paquin) has been her best friend for years, and the groom (Josh Duhamel) is the man they’ve both loved. Over the course of this final evening relationships will be tested, hidden truths will be revealed, and someone may just be out a big deposit on a reception hall. And if we’re lucky Holmes and Paquin will send fists flying and clothes ripping while fighting in the wet ocean surf. The film is written and directed by Galt Niederhoffer from her own novel, and it also stars Malin Akerman, Elijah Wood, Adam Brody, and Candice Bergen. We won’t fully understand the casting of Bergen as a thirty-something until we see the film, but the smart money is on a science fiction twist in the third act. Check after the jump for the new trailer…

Over the years, it’s likely that you’ve become accustomed to disregarding any romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl. However, this Greg Berlanti directed comedy Life As We Know It might be her saving grace.

Michael Bay seems to be trading one type of bloat for another.

Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if Edge of Darkness and When in Rome can make the grade.

Neil is still off galavanting at Sundance TwentyTen, so Kevin welcomes Merrill Barr from The Film Stage to the Magical Studio in the Sky to talk about Edge of Darkness and When In Rome.

Mad Men star and actress who I think should play anything (including Barbarella), Christina Hendricks is getting some work — which is good, because as I mentioned, she’s a damn good actress.

Empire has debuted a few official photos from the Egypt set of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as part of their upcoming 2009 preview issue. And as we might have expected, none of the shots include any actual robot action.