This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr hunkers down and braces for award season. He also prepares for an onslaught of celebrity guest stars in New Year’s Eve, which features a poster that looks like a “Friends available to chat” sidebar on Facebook. In order to watch all the movies for the week, Kevin hires the only babysitter available… Jonah Hill. What could possibly go wrong with that? Fortunately this frees him up to see some of the smaller releases, like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, W.E. and I Melt with You. And he wraps up the week wondering why everyone needs to talk about him.

Here’s something sort of bizarre – director Garry Marshall and writer Katherine Fugate‘s latest star-crammed desecration of random, non-religious holidays is not monumentally or irremediably terrible. It is also not good, but it’s certainly better than its predecessor, the rancid Valentine’s Day (though that’s not saying much). New Year’s Eve is not so much a film as a gimmick – tons of stars! lots of plots! all kind of connected! just one day! – and such a gimmick can yield some unexpectedly positive results just as often as it can ending up being simply terrible entertainment not worthy of being called cinema. New Year’s Eve is not so much a film as a two-hour piece of wish fulfillment for the sort of people who read US Weekly on, well, a weekly basis. Unlike Valentine’s Day, its very existence is not offensive, but it’s bloated and kind of boring and really, just really, tremendously unnecessary.

The horror…the horror… The best part about this poster for New Year’s Eve is either that it features all of the names and pictures of the actors, but not in the same order, or that the catchphrase “Let The Countdown Begin” lets us know that it’s a Doomsday Movie. Garry Marshall, who should be ashamed of himself for directing Valentine’s Day, proves once and for all that he owes some serious men down at the race track by stepping up to direct this sequel which seeks to squeeze even less screen time out for even more famous faces. Also, Homeless Hector Elizondo is kind of cruel considering they made everyone else look halfway decent (except for Ashton Kutcher who clearly didn’t show up for a photo shoot and forced the marketing department to find a paparazzi shot of him smiling). Enough with the words! Check it out for yourself, and feel free to largify it by clicking (if you dare):

If the multiple storylines, loose connections, and a total lack of chemistry of Valentine’s Day was simply not enough for you, director Garry Marshall has yet another holiday-themed film for the masses – twice the storylines! twice the loose connections! twice the total lack of chemistry! Wait, that math isn’t right. Even less chemistry! Everyone, meet New Year’s Eve. Like last year’s chillingly empty Valentine’s Day, Marshall’s latest film tracks a group of romantically challenged love losers across the course of one holiday. Will they find love? Will I hiss in the theater again? When is he making Flag Day? New Year’s Eve moves the action to New York City, though it inexplicably features two stars of VD (Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel) who appear to be playing totally different roles than in the previous film. If that hints at some sort of alternate universe, well, that’s still not very interesting to me. The really strange part about this trailer is the sense it gives off that all of its many stars were thrown into a blender, set to “frappe,” and poured out onto the pages of the script. How else can we possibly account for a film that pairs up Katherine Heigl with Jon Bon Jovi, Michelle Pfeiffer with Zac Efron, Lea Michele with Ashton Kutcher, or Jessica Biel with Seth Meyers? And that’s only about a quarter of the cast, everyone else flew by so quickly that my own mother could be in this film, and I wouldn’t [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

But which one of them will have a human growing out of their stomach? Collider is confirming that Kate Beckinsale is officially signed for Total Recall as Colin Farrell’s character’s wife. The more cynical of the world might believe that it’s simply because her husband Len Wiseman is directing that she got the part, but it might also have to do with her being incredibly attractive and outstanding in roles like this. Plus, with the production starting next week, they’ve secured Jessica Biel to play a woman that Farrell’s character meets in the “spy world.” As if that weren’t enough to get the blood flowing, The Hollywood Reporter is announcing Bill Nighy will be re-teaming with Wiseman and Beckinsale to play Quatto – the leader of an underground resistance. To play catch up, this incarnation of the Phillip K. Dick story will never make it to Mars. Instead, it will focus more on Quaid (Farrell), a factory worker who believes he is spying for one of the two major world governments. From the sound of it, Wiseman and company might be making it more along the lines of a confusing mystery thriller – so more Minority Report than, you know, Total Recall. This cast is strong, and sticking closer to Dick might make this re-adaptation one actually worth making.

What is Movie News After Dark? If you have to ask, then you can’t afford to miss it. I’ll admit it, I’m excited about Mortal Kombat Legacy, the web series from Kevin Tancharoen, who put together that excellent Mortal Kombat: Rebirth short film not too long ago. It looks like a solid take on a franchise that is always towing the line between badass and sillidiculous. And the first look at Sub-Zero, as played by Kevan Ohtsji, leans toward the former. The web series premieres April 12 on Machinima’s YouTube Channel.

Back in 2009, Gerard Butler was planning a romantic comedy about a baseball player returning to his estranged wife to make amends with her and his child and to coach the local little league team. It was called Slide. Now that movie is about soccer instead of baseball, it’s called Playing the Field, and (according to Variety) Jessica Biel and Uma Thurman are now on board. Director Gabriele Muccino (The Pursuit of Happyness) was always on board and still is. For what it’s worth, this doesn’t exactly sound like the typical rom-com Butler appears in on a nearly-annual basis in order to stoke the fires of his P.S. I Love You fanbase. The ladies love cool Gerard, but you’ll notice that the words ‘Aniston’ and ‘Heigl’ appear nowhere near the marquee on this one. Biel will play the ex-wife, and Uma Thurman will play one of the soccer moms. Who I’m guessing is single (if it’s one of those rom-coms) or is married (if it’s one of those rom-coms). One of the most interesting aspects of the production is the screenwriter. Robbie Fox hasn’t written for the screen in over a decade – after the double punch of So I Married and Axe Murderer and In the Army Now, he sort of disappeared, but do I want to watch a romantic comedy written by Robbie Fox? Hell yes. The man had a unique ear for comedy, and his return is a welcome one.

Now that Zack Snyder’s upcoming Superman film has found it’s Clark Kent, it only makes sense that they would begin testing for a Lois Lane that works well with him on screen. What’s Playing got the ball rolling by releasing a list of names that were in the running. The list included Kristen Stewart, Malin Akerman, Dianna Agron, Jessica Biel, and Rachel McAdams. The speculation began. Which of these girls has the right mix of brunette and feisty to pull the part off? Stewart was taken off the list pretty early, mainly due to having too many commitments, but probably also do to a complete lack of feistiness. Akerman was dismissed as being too old for the role, because that last Superman movie worked so well with casting high school kids as decades seasoned reporters with a six year old kid. So that left the choice as being between Rachel McAdams, Jessica Biel, and some girl I’ve never heard of. Decisions, decisions.

What is The A-Team? It’s a big budget revamp of an eighties TV show! It’s a typical summer action movie with more boom than brains! It’s a rare example of Hollywood showing the US military in a positive light in an effort to finally make Aleric happy!

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr hops in a time machine to 1984 to grade The A-Team and The Karate Kid.

Kevin and Neil hop in a time machine and travel back to 1984 to relive the glory days of The A-Team and The Karate Kid. Then they lay down a Fat Guy Five about 80s TV shows that should get their own movie before learning the true meaning of Mr. Belvedere.

Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs is my favorite of the ultra-violent French horror resurgence for several reasons. Now Laugier is attached to another film designed as his English-language debut, and while it’s no Hellraiser, it still seems to have some pretty interesting potential.

Another day comes, and another opportunity for us to lay down some of the day’s hot news stories is upon is. But instead, we begin your Thursday with The B-Roll. Or as we like to say, “And now, for something completely different.”

Rob Hunter takes a look at the new trailer for A-Team and focuses a bit too much on Jessica Biel.

Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if The Wolfman, Valentine’s Day and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief can make the grade.

20th Century Fox has released a new gallery of photographs this week from their upcoming action film The A-Team, which was curiously absent from our list of 2010′s most anticipated films.

Kevin Carr heads out to the movies this week, giving his take on New Moon, Planet 51, The Blind Side and Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire

With a headline like that, we’ve either become a magazine you buy in line at the grocery store or it’s actual casting news. Cross your fingers!

Planet 51 may not be an original tale, nor is it a movie from the likes of Pixar or Dreamworks. However, this second trailer is quite a bit of fun.

The folks over at Nuke the Fridge have laid down some rumors today linking noted hottie Jessica Biel and the upcoming Marvel Studios production of Thor, which will be directed by Kenneth Branagh.