What is Casting Couch? It’s a news roundup that’s solely concerned with actors getting cast in movies. Today we have news about the war against the machines as well as the war against the vampires. In a career move that has to be seen as a huge victory for a man the age of Pierce Brosnan, he has just signed on to play a role that will see him impregnating Jessica Alba. It’s a “passion project,” by his own admission. The news comes from Variety, who reports that Brosnan, Alba, and Kristin Scott Thomas will be the stars of How to Make Love to an Englishman, a romantic comedy from writer Matthew Newman and director Tom Vaughn that casts Brosnan as a Cambridge University professor, Alba as a graduate student, and Thomas as the Alba character’s stepsister, a lady who steps in after the miracle of life occurs in order to knock some heads around and straighten everyone out. Sounds like a situation ripe for creating age-appropriate romance.

What is Casting Couch? It’s a quick compiling of the day’s casting news. Today it has quite a bit to say about the Fanning sisters. If you had to pick one breakout star from HBO’s wildly successful fantasy series, Game of Thrones, it would have to be Peter Dinklage. Sure, the guy has been doing solid work for years, but post-Game of Thrones he’s now a name. It’s quite a coup for first time director Paki Smith then, that he’s just cast Dinklage in his first film, A Long Way Home. According to Variety, this one is a story of magic, adventure, and a young boy who’s questing to be reunited with his family…which kind of sounds like kids’ stuff. Hopefully it still finds reason to give Dinklage ample opportunity to be drunken and perverse, because that’s when he’s at his best (worst?).

According to Carter (Adam Scott), his parents were “married for nine years, but feels like they have been at war for a hundred.” Growing up in the crossfire of his parent’s epic fights and manipulations, it is surprising to discover Carter is now a well-adjusted adult in a healthy relationship of his own, despite being an A.C.O.D. (Adult Child of Divorce.) But when Carter’s younger brother, Trey (Clark Duke), proposes to his girlfriend after only four months of dating, Carter’s issues with relationships, marriage, and (most importantly) his parents, start to come out.

If there were ever a director who resembled Lucy from “Peanuts” (in both spirit and looks), it’s Robert Rodriguez. His explanation for all the talk and no action? “You work on a number of projects, and then everything eventually bottlenecks.” What’s bottlenecking currently is his sequel to Machete and about 10 other projects he’s announced over the years, but none of them comes close to the anticipation that grew, waned, resurfaced, died out, and then blossomed again for Sin City 2. The first was a perfect neo-noir that made brilliant use of Frank Miller‘s raw language and story. Now, according to Lucy himself (via Empire), he’ll finally be shooting it this summer while editing Machete 2. Apparently he’ll be beating the heat by staying indoors with his green screens. Miller has stated before that Jessica Alba‘s character Nancy has a continued story, and since it’s partially based off the graphic novel entry “A Dame To Kill For,” Mickey Rourke‘s Marv should also be in the mix. However, no casting has been announced, so if this thing really does go this time, it’s going to be just how Rodriguez seems to like it: on the fly. The only question is whether we, as fans, should keep our eye on the football this time.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr flexes his rippling muscles and sets out to live a warrior lifestyle, just like Jason Momoa in Conan the O’Barbarian. But before he can do that, he has to drive a stake through his neighbor’s heart, since he’s certain he lives next door to a vampire. What else could all those sparkles be about? Meanwhile, he sends his kids off to a dangerous 3D, Aroma-Vision mission, hoping they can make it as real spy kids so they can teach him to put on a fake British accent and woo a not-quite-British Anne Hathaway.

Episodes and seasons and weeks after its inspiration and its humor have peaked, I still continue to watch new episodes of The Office week in and week out. I don’t know why – I never do this with dramatic shows, only with comedies – but I tend to stick with comedy shows whose legacy I appreciate even if their time has passed, either out of respect, blind hope, or simply the desire to have some noise in the room while I take a break to eat a meal or fold laundry. While The Office certainly isn’t what it used to be, even before Steve Carell left, it’s still an inoffensive and enjoyable way to pass some time. I can’t deny that the affinity I developed for the show’s characters early on in the series has carried me through a lot of its creative droughts (in other words, I hardly watch it only for its comedy) even as more recent network sitcoms like Modern Family, Community, and (especially) Parks and Recreation have made me LOL significantly more often. But in the bizarre cameos leading up to a strange and dry seventh season finale, The Office seems to have encountered much greater problems than a rudimentary lack of inspiration typical for the (possibly cyclical) lifespan of a long-running television show. The Office seems to have rejected the defining characteristics that made it unique in the first place.

The day that Hollywood waits for all year is here. Also, the day that people who write about Hollywood wait for all year is here. Hollywood is probably paying attention to the Oscar winners, but for the rest of us it’s time to see who won The Razzies. After all of the paychecks have been cashed and all of the artistic compromises have been made, the moment to find out who crapped out the worst schlock comes here: The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation has poured over all of the nominees and named their winners for the worst work of the year. Watching bad work earn Razzies isn’t quite payback enough for having to suffer through all of the crap that Hollywood churns out every year, but for people who watch everything in hopes of steering the public towards the good, it does serve as a little peace of mind. If the ceremonial blowjob of the Oscars has to exist, then I’m glad the Zen of the world is maintained by the Nelson Muntz “ha-ha” of The Razzies; the snarky yin to the gushing yang.

Jessica Alba never got to appear in one of the X-Men movies because she was too busy being invisible and making fun of Ben Grimm. Lucky for her, she gets to don a black jumpsuit for Spy Kids 4. This may not sound like news, unless you’re really into costuming, but once you see there are pictures involved, you’ll really realize that it’s not news. Also, is the joke about X-Men a comment about Spy Kids 4 being unoriginal or is it a comment about how generic those black jumpsuits are? You be the judge. We’ll mail you the powdered wig. Enjoy:

When Jessica Alba gets cast in Spy Kids 4 after working with Robert Rodriguez a few times, it’s easy to shrug shoulders, place the movie in the pile of misfit toys, and go about your day. On the other hand, when one of the funniest comedians blazing a trail through his career joins the cast, it at least warrants another look. According to Variety, it’ll be a small role Joel McHale is stepping into, but it’ll be a small role which finds him married to Jessica Alba. Her character heads back into the spy world (just when you thought she was out!), and McHale’s husband character is also a spy-busting journalist type which makes this Spy Kids 4: The Valerie Plame Story. His casting should give some spark to the film. Unfortunately, it also gives away the twist that Spaghetti Cat is the main villain.

Considering the history of early September releases, this was an unusually eventful weekend for movies. The champion of the box-office was a slow-paced, meditative art film disguised as a spy thriller, and its major competition was a grindhouse tribute based on a movie trailer and starring a longtime character actor. On the surface, it seems that Anton Corbijn’s The American and Robert Rodriguez’s Machete couldn’t be any different, but upon closer inspection it becomes clear that these are two stylistically disparate explorations of virtually the same theme; that is, both The American and Machete are about crises in national and cultural identity that occur when one enters another country and becomes an “other” within their culture.

The temptation to refer to Robert Rodriguez’ new film as Brown Dynamite is strong but for two things. One, while Machete fits a similar mold as Scott Sanders’ hilarious riff on blaxploitation films it just isn’t as consistently good as Black Dynamite. For another, the term “brown dynamite” conjures up some unpleasant imagery especially in the context of spicy Mexican food. But enough about intestinal explosions (for now at least)… let’s talk about this tastelessly absurd, cartoonishly violent, and often ridiculously fun movie!

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr jumps feet first into the world of exploitation pictures. He rips off his shirt to show his prison tats when he sees Machete and then becomes a weapons expert to go head-to-head with George Clooney in The American. Finally, he cringes and rolls his eyes at yet another crappy real-life couple love story with Going the Distance. It’s sad when the highlight of his moviegoing weekend is a Lindsay Lohan nip slip.

I highly doubt that the marketing team behind Machete intended for anyone to use their nifty new internet toy in the way I have, but I figured it would spice things up. After all, there are enough photos of sad-looking men in sunglasses who have inserted Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez into their bathroom with the click of a mouse. For those hoping to be fans of the movie, here’s a great opportunity to snap a shot of yourself wielding a heavy knife or jumping across a flaming parking lot on your motorcycle so you can be in your very own Machete poster. You can then, of course, share it with your friends on the facebook and the twitter. Or you can just go to the site to enjoy the soothing music. Machete, starring Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, and Steven Seagal hits theaters this Friday. As you can tell by the unofficial poster (pictured right).

There are very few things that could get me to sit through an entire installment in the visually loud and obnoxious Spy Kids franchise. This is one of those things. Per Heat Vision, Jessica Alba may be starring in Spy Kids 4: All the Time In the World for writer/director Robert Rodriguez. It would be their third film together after Sin City and the upcoming Machete, and would almost certainly be the weakest of the three. Alba would star as a retired spy forced back into the game when a madman named The Timekeeper sets out to end the world by stopping time. Or something. Her character has a baby (like Alba in real life!) but is also sexy stepmother to two pre-teens (sadly not like real life). The film will reportedly be a reboot for the franchise as the “kids” from the past three films, Alexa Vega and Daryl Sabara, are now old enough to get married and accidentally kill themselves while masturbating. The previous films’ adult stars, including Carla Gugino and Antonio Banderas, may or may not return. Would you watch a Spy Kids movie with Jessica Alba in it? If not, what would it take?

As you may have noticed, we’re still reeling in the aftermath of Comic-Con. And while I’m supremely proud of the work that our team on the ground did in San Diego this year, we did let a few interesting bits slip through the cracks. Like this hot red band trailer for Machete. Robert Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis have taken what was once nothing more than a pulpy, grungy faux trailer and fleshed it out into a pulpy, grungy, hyper-violent festival of absurdity. It’s beautiful, is it not? The new red band trailer rides hard and fast, putting in requisite time with all of the film’s names — De Niro, Alba, Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, that pilot from Lost and of course, Danny Trejo. It also delivers the goods — sins of the flesh and sins of the shotgun — in bulk. So if you’re looking for insane violence, gratuitous nudity and the angriest Mexican ever to grace the somewhat silver screen, then I think you might be in luck with Machete. Check out the official synopsis and red band trailer goodness after the jump.

20th Century Fox has released a brand new trailer for Machete, the Danny Trejo led grindhouse style action movie from Robert Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis. And like the first trailer, there is certainly a lot of promises made. It promises to deliver a movie that’s full of sex, inventive violence and all of the Grindhouse spirit that was infused into the faux trailer upon which it is based. But even though I’m excited — very excited — about the very existence of this movie, I can’t help but feel as if the best shot of this entire trailer is the one taken directly from that same faux trailer. Danny Trejo flying through the air on the motorcycle of doom. And if that’s the best shot they can muster for the trailer, what does that say about the rest of the movie? Alright yeah, it’s still probably going to be a badass ride. Watch the trailer for yourself after the jump…

Robert Rodriguez has released a special Cinco De Mayo themed trailer for his upcoming action flick, Machete, and it manages to look all kinds of awesome even with Lindsay Lohan in it…

Michael Winterbottom’s ‘The Killer Inside Me’ has attracted a lot of controversy for its savage violence. But worse than that, it’s spectacularly boring.

Nobody better warn him. I really want to see how this plays out. Someone make some popcorn or something.

Kevin Carr sits his chubbiness down and sees if The Wolfman, Valentine’s Day and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief can make the grade.