Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; giving fruit cake is tantamount to treason. It’s that time of year again, when we put on ugly sweaters, drunkenly sing carols off-key, and forget how much we hate Aunt Bagatha. What? Who doesn’t have an Aunt Bagatha? For all of me here at Junkfood Cinema, Christmas is a time to suck down as many festively-shaped sugar cookies and assorted pies as humanly possible before slipping into the firm embrace of a ho ho heart attack. And of course, I give myself the gift that keeps on giving: a giant stack of my favorite holiday movies. These movies are often, as you might expect,  terrible, but every once in a while a highly-regarded classic slips in. When this oversight occurs, my baser impulses, the ones that account for my DiMaggio-like twenty-eight year streak as a resident of Santa’s naughty list, take over. I begin to image ways to corrupt said classic films and stuff them back in your stocking as twice-baked/half-baked/bake-me-something-right-now-I’m-hungry treats. Today’s subject, or rather subjects, offer a particularly easy corruption. Director Bob Clark is renowned for making one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time: A Christmas Story. It is a movie so adored that some TV stations actually showcase it in 24hr rotation on Christmas Eve. Luckily, A Christmas Story is quality enough that we overlook the fact that the one and only movie that should EVER be played on TV in 24hr rotation is Raw Deal. What some people

As we all know, S-VHS stands for Super VHS, so either the filmmaking team behind V/H/S has gotten marketing savvy and is dipping into the comic book genre, or they’re sticking with cleverness over craven name-recognition by picking S-VHS as the name of their sequel. See if you can spot any capes in this first image – which comes from the segment from Gareth Evans (The Raid) and Timo Tjahjanto (Macabre). No? No capes? Just a creepy blood-covered man wearing an adult diaper from the POV of someone wielding what looks like a used paper towel roll? Well, fine then. The project will also see short installments from Eduardo Sanchez (Blair Witch), directing with his producer partner Greg Hale; Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun); Adam Wingard (who directed the wrap-around for V/H/S); and writer Simon Barrett directing for the first time. Rumor has it that all the filmmakers will dress like this guy for the red carpet premiere.  [Twitch]

  Why Watch? Bursting with iconography and horror know-how, this proof of concept was picked to play at Fantastic Fest after winning the Lionsgate-sponsored Cabin in the Woods filmmaking competition over at Vimeo. No surprise that it went on to become a Staff Pick on the video site. The movie from director Chris Cullari focuses on a young boy spending the night over at a friend’s house during a strange moment “between the sequels” of the town’s terrifying masked killer. The sharp script is a heavy dose of youthful bliss with a dash of genre awareness and the pungent aroma of a campfire tale. Well-acted and shot with quickness and grace, it’s a solid lesson in taking the stories your parents scare you with seriously. The production team is looking to make a feature film version. Do you think they’ve earned it? What will it cost you? Only 5 minutes. Skip work. Watch more short films.

Producer Samuel Hadida announced at the American Film Market that he and Panorama Media have put a plan together to finally bring us a movie version of all those classic Wolfenstein video games. A few years ago Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary was attached to this project, which was then titled Return to Castle Wolfenstein, but some personal issues derailed the film before it could get off the ground. Well, fret not, because Avary has been brought back to write and direct, and the film, now just titled Castle Wolfenstein, is once again ready to go.

Why Watch? Punk rockers The Brain Deads are playing an out of towner, but when they show up, the venue looks totally empty. The promotor is a sinister creep, but they take the stage anyway, lose their bass player, have a fan flash them the goods, and keep thrashing even though the majority of the audience is comprised of hell beasts. By the time an arm gets ripped off, everything seems blood-thirstily clear. These power chord slingers are a human sacrifice. With reverb from 80s punk classics like Return of the Living Dead, this short from Dan Riesser uses a cool crew of characters, flashy editing and some grisly gore to craft a hell of a good movie. Plus, the song “Lawnmower Massacre” is pretty damned catchy, and the film answer the question of what happened to Luke Edwards, the kid who beat “Super Mario 3″ in The Wizard. Apparently he joined a punk band and got attacked by demons. What will it cost you? Only 19 minutes. Skip work. Watch more short films.

Dear Creepy Advisory Weirdos, First and foremost I would like to thank you for your willingness to offer advice and commend you on your steadfastness in courting danger everyday by continuing to live in areas most of us consider haunted, damned, or forbidden. Yes, Weirdos, this letter is for you denizens of the Hollywood horror film with all your broken teeth, matted hair, and sour dispositions. I know it can’t be easy being you. After all, the townspeople generally seem to have a strong disdain for your continued residence in the area. They’d rather you move off, or perhaps preferably, fall victim to the unknown horror you’re always warning the new kids about. Your reputation around town is the stuff of legend. Embarrassing, creepy legend. Indeed, you must be made of strong stuff, suffering the slings and looks of your fellow townspeople whenever you’re around and when you’re not, you’re living in squalid shack-conditions out in the wilderness. As bad as things are, weird guy, that’s not the worst of it.

They said it couldn’t be done. A fifth year of 31 Days of Horror? 31 more terror, gore and shower scene-filled movies worth highlighting? But Rejects always say die and never back away from a challenge, so we’ve rounded up the horror fans among us and put together another month’s worth of genre fun. Enjoy! Synopsis Also known as Operation Fear, Curse of the Living Dead, Don’t Walk in the Park and many other titles, this Mario Bava flick tells the story of a small Carpathian village plagued by a series of bloody murders where the victim is left with a gold coin in her heart. Will the scientific-minded Dr. Paul Eswai (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart) survive a supernatural test? Is the town witch (Fabienne Dali) helping or is she behind the murders? What lies at the mysterious Graps Estate? And which hut does Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 live in?

IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE! For 81 years, those words have surely been said from at least one person to another every year around Halloween time, and for good reason. Not only is Frankenstein arguably the best of the Universal monsters from the 1930s, the monster at the film’s center has become a pivotal image for October 31st. So, to round our horror slate of commentaries, we’re diving into the classic original, our oldest film covered to date. Naturally, this means we aren’t listening to any of the cast or crew from the film (although we get some quotations from director James Whale). Since the first commentary track came out in 1984 – King Kong Criterion Collection, which will be covered at some point here – films from days of old have to settle for film historians to talk shop while they play out. That’s not to say there aren’t invaluable bits of information found here, but expect lots of film theory and LOTS of snobbery. Who knows? Maybe Rudy Behlmer, who is featured here, likes to check his brain at the door with the rest of us. Checking brains at the door. Frankenstein’s monster. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but probably not a very funny one. Let’s get the commentary started, shall we?

Although different in style and tone, celebrating Halloween and Suspiria together is an obviously great idea after speaking with Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, two horror writers who have created wicked traps for the Saw franchise, played lifeguard for Piranha 3DD and continue the terror of their own masked killer with the forthcoming The Collection. From grisly realism to stylized violence, we discuss how they both prove horror films can be beautiful and revel in Melton’s still-fierce fear of the plants outside his window. Plus, we check in with Bloody Good Horror co-host Casey Criswell to get his take on the new Evil Dead (2013) trailer. Download Episode #154

The word “Giallo” is Italian for “Yellow” which was the color of the covers of old pulp novels from the Mondadori publishing house. It’s also the color of the urine that’s scared out of you while watching the best horror flicks. There are a lot of names associated with the film movement (which usually focuses on the very stylish, very violent removal of blood from someone’s body), but at the top of the list is Dario Argento (sorry, Fulci fans). The Italian filmmaker has delivered the truly bizarre and beautiful, making movies like Suspiria and The Bird with the Crystal Plumage amongst many, many others. He was also instrumental in bringing Dawn of the Dead to life and influenced a new generation of horror directors (not to mention leagues of fans). So here’s a bit of free film school (for fans and filmmakers alike) from the master of Yellow.

It was a tough few days for movies about creatures from other worlds slashing their way through flimsy human flesh. Both Alien and The Thing lost handedly in the semi-final. That means we have the two movies you’ve chosen to fight to the death in the Championship Arena (which is currently being built in a part of the Australian outback that’s not being ravaged by a mutant pig). After a week of match-ups, you’ve chosen The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and The Exorcist to vie for the title of Scariest Movie Ever. Not a bad pair, friends. It will be fascinating to see what goes through the minds of voters when choosing between these drastically different films. One is an aggressive, raw death-fest which is far less gory than people remember it being; the other is a more carefully constructed examination of a single powerful entity that involves vomit but not a lot of death. One hunts you down; the other invades your body and home. One has Leatherface; the other has Captain Howdy. So how do you even choose? What will go into your consideration? TIME TO VOTE FOR A CHAMPION

Why Watch? Three friends decide to go camping near a lake, and yeah, yeah, yeah. If this short from Ben Franklin sounds predictable, simply know that it’s not. It’s a fantastic horror short film that uses standard conventions in order to subvert them. So, sure, there’s the horny couple checking their watches until they can shake the tent, there’s the goofy friend who is obsessed with blasting fireworks, and there’s the bloodied horror that finds them in the woods. But Dead Man’s Lake is the kind of short that entertains before it pulls the damned rug out from under you. The result is something devastating and terrifying in a far more fundamental way than your average slasher re-hash. It’s not wink-and-nod like Cabin in the Woods, but it knows its horror and sidesteps every cliche in order to build something that punches you right in the chest. What will it cost you? Only 9 minutes. Skip work. Watch more short films.

Why Watch? While setting up their tent, a young man tells his friend Lisa that he loves her and wants to be something more. Big mistake. She storms off, leaving him to angrily carve her name in a log, but it’s not long before he hears her scream, runs to find her and finds himself dragged off by something that knows how to set a bear trap and owns way too many red candles. Effective quick-cut editing and aggressive camera choices are front and center in creating an intense horror experience here (although an excellent shot of a fingernail being slowly pulled off doesn’t hurt either). Plus, the villain is crafted well – think Buffalo Bill by way of coked-out glam rocker – and anchors an atmosphere that drops worms into your bloodstream. The score is a bit much, and the subtitles seem slightly off (there isn’t that much talking), but it’s a capable horror short with energy and a few surprises hiding up the sleeve of its knit sweater. What will it cost you? Only 17 minutes. Skip work. Watch more short films.

And then there were four. After the tournament’s closest battle came to an end with a come-from-behind winner, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre eked its way into The Final Four alongside The Thing, Alien and The Exorcist. Essentially we’re down to the impossible choices, but while a horror movie tournament is one thing, figuring out with of these baddies would best each other in real life is a bit easier. Today’s match-up sees Ridley Scott‘s hallway of terror go up against the devil in Ms. Blair, but if the mutli-mouthed E.T.s actually had to fight off a demon, it seems obvious that evil would prevail (unless The Queen had the courage to jump out of an airlock after getting possessed). On the same front, a family of cannibals with their own meat locker is terrifying, but they’d be quick work for the body-stealing Thing, especially since Grandpa’s offspring don’t seem all that bright. How long would it take for one of them to hit themselves with a hammer in order to stop the invasion? Over/Under is twenty minutes. Speaking of which, someone should make a movie where horror icons fight each other. Especially if it involves Alien. How could that miss? And since both Freddy and Jason have been knocked out of the tournament, they’ll have plenty of time to collaborate on a project like that. VOTING FOR THE FINAL FOUR IS NOW OPEN

After laughing about the completely unplanned, totally-done-by-your-votes match-up between The Ring and The Thing in the Axe-Wielding Eight Round, I’d like to talk about two types of movies that didn’t make the cut. There are. of course, the 24 movies so far that have been chopped off the block by you clicking a Facebook button, but there are also a bunch of movies that didn’t get placed on the original bracket to begin with. There are two reasons that your favorite scary movie didn’t make it. One, it’s a finite list (and a small one at that). Two, we aren’t mind readers. For the most part, our bracket was conventional in honoring the classics, but we also tried to spice things up by including newer films and even a few that maybe weren’t seen by wide audiences (Session 9, you will be missed…). Today’s post will seek to celebrate some of those movies you suggested we were morons for leaving out. We’ll also run down the numbers, laugh some more about the rhyming Ring/Thing battle, and get serious about the predictions. We’re down to 8 insanely strong horror flicks, so it’s even more important to get out the vote because the margins are going to be razor blade thin. Or you can vote first and then read all this

Okay, hear me out on this one. No, The Blair Witch Project didn’t need a sequel, and no, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is not the sequel that modern horror classic from 1999 deserved. But, love it – and some do really enjoy this film – or hate it, Blair Witch 2 was a controversial sequel to a film that already sparked enough controversy on its own. Book of Shadows, if for nothing else, takes an interesting path for a franchise that could just have as easily turned down Straight-To-DVD-Rehash Boulevard, but it tried something a little different, putting the character in a world where The Blair Witch Project actually exists. What’s more, this wacky horror sequel was also directed by documentarian Joe Berlinger, most famous for the Paradise Lost trilogy. Book of Shadows was taken out of his hands, and Artisan, wanting another horror hit on their slate, opted for re-shoots and re-cuts to make the film more traditionally scary. To Artisan’s or whoever’s credit, Berlinger was given the keys to a commentary on the DVD, which is what we’re digging into this week. The result is an honest look at what happens when a director and a studio have two very different visions. So sit back, crack open a Pete’s Wicked Ale, and blast that Godhead, because we’re all virgins on this bus! Yeah, I’m one of the people who actually digs this movie.

Early work from J.J. Abrams! Paul Walker speaking in a high-pitched lady voice! Jaw-ripping pranks gone wrong! After gaining incredible popularity on YouTube and making one of the best sequences in V/H/S, the gang from Radio Silence goes out on a limb to celebrate the underserved horror classic movie, Joy Ride. Can they convince you to fall in love with it? Download Episode #153

The late, great James Whale once said, “Hollywood is just too marvelous. One feels the footprints of the immortals here, but has a terrible feeling that they are in sand and won’t last when civilization comes this way.” So it is with the immortals in our Scariest Movie Ever bracket tournament. After the second round of voting, only 16 films are left, and it’s a guarantee that the competition is going to get a lot tighter once it’s icon versus icon. There are still some newer favorites, but the next round is shaping up to have battles between Kubrick and Polanski, Carpenter and a hockey masked Cunningham, and the fight between Poltergiest and Halloween is anyone’s game. Once the dust settles, there will at least be a handful of immortals left bleeding out onto the sand. If you want to skip this nonsense and get straight to voting, feel free, but to check out the final Round Two tallies and check out some tough predictions for Round Three, forge ahead.

A true master of horror, it’s no surprise that John Carpenter‘s work has shown up in our series where horror filmmakers discuss their favorite scary movies (and, spoiler alert, he’ll show up again next week). His figure looms large inside and beyond the genre, gifting classics like Halloween, Escape From New York , The Thing, Assault on Precinct 13 and Big Trouble in Little China to the world. He’s a quiet-spoken man, which is perhaps not too rare in the world of horror. Although it’s fairly strange to think that this unassuming man made people terrified of being inside their own homes (and, you know, taking trips to Antarctica). So here’s a bit of free filmmaking (for fans and filmmakers alike) from a man who makes our nightmares.

They said we were crazy to set up the brackets like we did. The Exorcist against Night of the Living Dead? Halloween against Psycho? In the first round? Why not just cross off the heavy hitters before the voting even starts? But here’s the thing: the numbers from yesterday’s voting proved to be a slaughter. If the tallies had been Florida-style close, there might be cause for remorse and re-evaluation, but all of the losers got dramatically beheaded in a bloody landslide. While we look at the winners and losers (and make predictions for today’s voting), I want to draw a ridiculous conclusion – that we aren’t just voting for the scariest movie, but that we’re voting against our weaker fears. I’ll joyously go into greater detail in a bit without any help from pesky old science. If you want to skip this nonsense and get straight to voting, feel free, but if you want to think too deeply, check out the First Round scores and guess which of Round Two’s movies will survive the night, let’s get to it.