Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only thing tricky about our treats is getting to them before we do. This is the scariest movie column on the internet. It combines the horror of watching terrible movies with every child’s worst nightmare: heart disease. Every witch-filled week we are haunted by a terrifyingly bad film that we manage to exorcise from the house by mocking its many ghastly faults. Then, because we don’t speak ill of the dead…when they’re in the room, we profess our undying affection for said abomination. Lately, we’ve been going the more conceptual route, which is frightening in and of itself considering the unsettling dearth of smarts in our skeleton crew. However, knocking on the door of Junkfood Cinema will always yield a delicious, if sure-to-kill-you-slowly, snack themed to the movie. Happy Junkfoodween, bats and ghouls! This is our absolute favorite holiday of the year. While we know many of you may be conflicted and not wish to choose Halloween over that other big holiday at the end of the year, we have no compunction about telling Guy Fawkes Day to take a flying fawk. This is the time of year when adults are allowed to be children again…wild, boozed up, scantily clad children. Okay, well maybe not children, but at least more inclined to indulge their love of things like candy, scary movies, and dressing up in costumes. This tradition is not lost on the horror genre and even the schlockiest of titles often feature Halloween

In the doldrums of August, it’s slim pickings for new DVDs and Blu-rays, as well as decent films in the theaters. Sure, we could give you a drinking game for Jodie Foster’s famous flop The Beaver, but that’s likely to put you in a depression in which you can only communicate with a hand puppet. Luckily, some true cinema classics are getting a new release. Jim Varney’s films Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid are getting their first Blu-ray release, and we invite you to toast with a glass of authentic Bulgarian miak.