Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; enjoy a bowl of our Sugar-Coated Pimp Smacks. We recently asked blaxploitation icon Isaac Hayes to write a theme song for this week’s entry. He politely declined, as he is currently dead, but we think his song would have sounded almost exactly like this… There’s some dudes on floor; with indigestion, stomachs sore. What hit ‘em? Junkfood Cinema! Watching bad films all day, who threw their integrity away? Junkfood Cinema! We’ll tell you what makes them so fine, what puts the stars in our eyes. So bad, but who loves them? Junkfood Cinema! To top this thing with a cherry, we offer you a snack that’s so very…so very delicious. Junkfood Cinema. Thanks Isaac, we hope you’ll forgive us. Today’s Sweet Sweetflick: Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off.

I refuse to make this article about Transformers. I refuse to talk about how awful of an actor Megan Fox is, who cannot even effectively scream “Saaaaaaam!” I refuse to espouse on the ridiculous plot. I refuse to complain about seeing John Turturro’s hairy buttcheeks in my face, 20 feet high.