Ellis (Graham Phillips) has grown up in a less-than-average household. Ellis lives in Tuscan, Arizona with his mother Wendy (Vera Farmiga) who is a free spirit and relies on Ellis to make sure their bills are paid on time while she seems to still be “finding herself.” Add to this Goat Man (David Duchovny) who tends to their pool and garden (as well as his own “garden”) and lives on the property with, you guessed it, his goats. Despite this rather unusual upbringing, Ellis seems more than well adjusted and the film focuses on his recent decision to attend an East Coast Prep School, Gates Academy, which his father Frank (Ty Burrell) also attended. Considering Wendy refers to Frank as “Fucker Frank,” it is clear this decision is not one she is happy about.

When we first see our frowzy anti-hero, he’s alone, smoking, pacing back and forth in the men’s room of an upscale New York restaurant, rehearsing…something.  “You’re amazing, a goddess, a gift from on high.” Is it a poem? A marriage proposal? Has he finally found a love so powerful and true that it’s remedied his hitherto cankered existence? No, of course not. Later, face-to-face with the delusional woman who somehow didn’t see this coming, he finishes the thought. “You deserve the white dress and the happy ending. I’m just not the guy to give it to you.”  Hank Moody is the same man he’s been since day one—insincere, kind of a jerk, closetful of black clothes. Season five of Californication picks up two years after the events of season four (hey, I guess the world doesn’t end in 2012). Karen (Natasha McElhone) is now married and apparently happy about it; Charlie (Evan Handler) and Marcy (Pamela Aldon) still aren’t together but have a two-year-old son (the kid hasn’t started talking yet which may or may not have something to do with the fact that both of his parents are apt to have sex in places where it’s quite easy to stumble upon them); Becca (Madeleine Martin) is in college, dating an arrogantly suave, younger version of her dad (who didn’t see that coming?); and Hank still hasn’t shaved.

Showtime Networks has a big presence in San Diego this year, from gigantic banners to multiple panels to a button campaign and several buses toting fellow nerds around the city. The crux of their advertising campaign this year revolvers around the idea that Showtime’s ‘heroes’ have more fun. Specifically we’re talking about Weeds, Californication, Dexter, and Nurse Jackie, shows that prominently feature some rather messed up main characters who are dysfunctional on some level. While each of these shows was represented on a panel (Dexter was on two), most of the information that was revolved focused on Hank Moody’s furthered adventures and the future of Dexter Morgan, so that’s what we’ll be talking about here. Plus those two shows are super awesome.

A down on his luck private eye is tasked by the US government to find a very special book… the other Constitution written in secret by the nation’s forefathers and bound in space alien skin. The White House had possession of it until Richard Nixon traded it away, and the US has been sliding into a morally bankrupt abyss ever since.

The Joneses, starring David Duchovny and Demi Moore, is a sharp satire that takes on our consumerist society with self-reflexive flair.

In the third episode of the third season, Hank attempts to juggle three women sexually and at least two emotionally. This will always end well.

Hank Moody is back as the rock star author turned professor in Season 3 of the Showtime hit Californication.

Hank completes his biography of Lew Ashby. Mia departs LA for her cross-country book tour. Sonja gives birth to a baby who is decidedly not Hank’s. Fortunately, Julian steps up to the plate.

To celebrate the release of Mia’s book, Ashby hosts a soiree at the manor. At the party, Karen reveals to Hank that she hasn’t read Mia’s book.

We have an awesome contest for all you UFO watchers and conspiracy theorists.

Hank meets Janie Jones for a date at a Venice art gallery, where they bump into a very pregnant Sonja and Julian.

Hank spends the day at the home of Janie Jones trying to get the back story on her relationship with Lew Ashby. When Janie’s husband comes home early, Hank is forced to bide his time in the pool house with the Jones family maid, Rosario.

Hank and Karen attend a parent-teacher conference at Becca’s high school. Hank hits it off with the English teacher, Mrs. Patterson, only to discover that this latest possible conquest is also the mother of Becca’s boyfriend Damien.

Hank decides to seek out Lew Ashby’s long lost love. He finds her in the surprising form of Beverly Hills mom Janie Jones. Later, Hank accidentally walks in on Julian going at it with a rocker chick he’s “mentoring.”

After getting dumped by Karen, Hank is relegated to living at Ashby’s mansion. In order to distract Hank from his heartbreak, Ashby arranges a sex session with popular, yet incredibly annoying, celebrity chef, Chloe Metz.

Hank and Karen throw a dinner party for a few close friends — and as expected, it doesn’t resemble anything close to smooth, quiet evening.

On Hank’s first day as biographer to Lew Ashby, he’s re-introduced to Trixie, the hooker with a heart of gold, who stirs up trouble by claiming that Hank is better in bed than Ashby.

Hank finds himself in jail after assaulting a mouthy police officer. Karen, still upset at Hank for his accident at the party, refuses to bail him out.

Following on the absolutely terrible and horribly ill-conceived ending to last season’s finale, this episode scares me as much as it scared Rebecca.

Do you believe? Do you want to believe? Well, if you live in or around Columbus, Ohio, you can believe with several hundred of your closest friends.