2010′s The Expendables gave fans of iconic action hero badasseration a taste of what it would be like to experience some of our favorite face punching, public property demolishing, one-liner dropping stars of recent yesteryear share the big screen. It was over the top, explodey good times. Stallone, Li, Crews, Statham, Lundgren, Couture, and Rourke were a fun sample course. Sly, never being one to shy away from sequels (still waiting on Cliffhanger: Hang Some More), poured moonshine in the formula and give us more Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and the perpetual awesomeness that is Chuck Norris in The Expendables 2.   Even better, the villain finally gets an equal measure of excellence in the form of The Muscles from that Place in Belgium, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Sorry Eric Roberts, I love you but…Sharktopus. Still, one JCVD chair-splits punch alone isn’t enough to compete with those  three decades worth of action superstars, and whomever tangles with them next will have to compete with an action aficionado wet dream of additional Expendables. What is a top bad guy to do? Contract out — pull an equal measure of baddies from the past together and give Barney Ross and company a run for their money. Below are my ten Anti-Expendables, in no particular order.

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly movie news column in a hurry. It’s late for a very big date. With you, dear reader. It’s always been you. Our top story tonight, The Amazing Spider-Man and a new look at the film’s villain, The Lizard. He’s looking quite menacing now that he’s got his full CGI on. Thanks to Entertainment Weekly, we now cannot quite look through the blinds of our window out of fear. Thanks, EW, you are useful as always.

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly link round-up column that has a severe addiction to ice cream. And Ron Burgundy’s mustache. We begin this evening with a bit of silliness in the form of photographer Federic Chiesa’s 80s horror movie icons as creepy senior citizens. He leaves no stone unturned — from a drunk old Freddie to a homeless, still masked Jason — and has created something quite fun. The creepiest of all of these is the one above, featuring the little girls from The Shining, all grown up. Not the actual girls — at least not that we know of — but creepy, all the same.

It’s official. In a stunning turn of events that almost certainly mean it’s Opposite Day, Robert Rodriguez will make a movie he promised he’d make. Jokes aside, Deadline Michoacan is reporting that Rodriguez has secured the financing for Machete Kills, the sequel to the absurdly ballsy action flick starring Danny Trejo. Talks are under way to bring Trejo back on in the hopes of an April production start, and Rodriguez is pointing to the bleachers, claiming a bigger, badder movie. As proof, the second film in a planned trilogy will feature Machete as a hired gun for the government, heading into Mexico to take on a drug cartel and a vicious bad guy who plans to build a space weapon. Yes, it’s getting even deeper into spoof territory with an Austin Powers twist. This character sure has come a long way since Spy Kids, right?

Anytime you can’t tell whether a trailer is for a real movie or a parodic lark, it reaffirms the need to give it a second or third look. That’s priceless for a lower budget movie based off an internet meme. Bad Ass, a totally real, actual movie, stars Danny Trejo as a bearded man riding a bus who is set upon by local street toughs. When video of him taking their asses out to the curb goes viral, he becomes a crime fighter. It’s based, of course, on Epic Beard Man – an Oakland bus rider who encountered the exact situation (including delivering a whooping and becoming a viral video star). So, why not watch the trailer and the original viral video together? Check it out for yourself, and start growing a beard for justice.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr grabs a protest sign and a test so he can occupy something. All the big cities are taken, so he decides to Occupy Hollywood, but being one of the 99%, he can’t afford a plane ticket from Ohio to California. So, he occupies his local multiplex, squatting in the front of their biggest screen. There, he has a chance to check out the loosely-related Tower Heist and later drinks some spiked egg nog and wanders into a later screening of A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. At least that’s what he’s telling the authorities.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is the world’s first interracial stoner buddy holiday comedy to be presented in the third dimension. It’s sure to be the last, too. A twin celebration of the joys of yuletide and bong rips, the flick is an appropriately manic and thoroughly nonsensical entrant in the popular trilogy that’s celebrated the joys of White Castle in one movie and condemned Guantanamo Bay in the next. This Christmas takedown is a one-time only feat, a symphony of pristine ridiculousness. You go into a Harold & Kumar flick expecting a heavy dose of weed-tinged surrealism, and director Todd Strauss-Schulson, working with the familiar team of writers Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, doesn’t disappoint. This is a madcap farce that sends the now estranged heroes (John Cho and Kal Penn) on a frantic Christmas Eve journey into New York City to find a replacement tree.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr flexes his rippling muscles and sets out to live a warrior lifestyle, just like Jason Momoa in Conan the O’Barbarian. But before he can do that, he has to drive a stake through his neighbor’s heart, since he’s certain he lives next door to a vampire. What else could all those sparkles be about? Meanwhile, he sends his kids off to a dangerous 3D, Aroma-Vision mission, hoping they can make it as real spy kids so they can teach him to put on a fake British accent and woo a not-quite-British Anne Hathaway.

After last Tuesday’s TV news bombshell that consisted of FOX obliterating pretty much every under-performing show on their schedule, many wondered what could be next from the networks in terms of picks-ups and cancellations. Well, NBC has decided to answer that question with a slew of pick-ups, none of which involve the words “wonder” or “woman.” At the moment the fourth place network has called for series orders from four pilots including Whitney a sitcom based on the stand-up comedy and starring Whitney Cummings. The Steven Spielberg produced, Gleeish musical-comedy Smash. The U.S. adaptation of the British series Prime Suspect and the Christina Applegate starring Up All Night. But that’s not all. It appears that NBC decided to have a little heart yet again as reports are filing in from all across the internet saying that spy-comedy CHUCK has indeed been renewed for a fifth season. This is by far the best news I’ve heard all day.

The most iconic shot of Machete was Danny Trejo bursting forth from the flames of an explosion on a sick motorcycle that every sane human being wants to buy right now. It was in the original (fake) trailer, and made no sense in the best way possible. Now, Danny Trejo may be hopping on his chopper again for a low budget biker movie called Tarantula about the head honcho of a bike gang going after a woman who left the gang and revenge for his brother’s death. These are all great things. The woman in question might be played by Spartacus: Breasts and Blood star Erin Cummings. Both actors are in talks.

Considering the history of early September releases, this was an unusually eventful weekend for movies. The champion of the box-office was a slow-paced, meditative art film disguised as a spy thriller, and its major competition was a grindhouse tribute based on a movie trailer and starring a longtime character actor. On the surface, it seems that Anton Corbijn’s The American and Robert Rodriguez’s Machete couldn’t be any different, but upon closer inspection it becomes clear that these are two stylistically disparate explorations of virtually the same theme; that is, both The American and Machete are about crises in national and cultural identity that occur when one enters another country and becomes an “other” within their culture.

The temptation to refer to Robert Rodriguez’ new film as Brown Dynamite is strong but for two things. One, while Machete fits a similar mold as Scott Sanders’ hilarious riff on blaxploitation films it just isn’t as consistently good as Black Dynamite. For another, the term “brown dynamite” conjures up some unpleasant imagery especially in the context of spicy Mexican food. But enough about intestinal explosions (for now at least)… let’s talk about this tastelessly absurd, cartoonishly violent, and often ridiculously fun movie!

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr jumps feet first into the world of exploitation pictures. He rips off his shirt to show his prison tats when he sees Machete and then becomes a weapons expert to go head-to-head with George Clooney in The American. Finally, he cringes and rolls his eyes at yet another crappy real-life couple love story with Going the Distance. It’s sad when the highlight of his moviegoing weekend is a Lindsay Lohan nip slip.

As you may have noticed, we’re still reeling in the aftermath of Comic-Con. And while I’m supremely proud of the work that our team on the ground did in San Diego this year, we did let a few interesting bits slip through the cracks. Like this hot red band trailer for Machete. Robert Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis have taken what was once nothing more than a pulpy, grungy faux trailer and fleshed it out into a pulpy, grungy, hyper-violent festival of absurdity. It’s beautiful, is it not? The new red band trailer rides hard and fast, putting in requisite time with all of the film’s names — De Niro, Alba, Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, that pilot from Lost and of course, Danny Trejo. It also delivers the goods — sins of the flesh and sins of the shotgun — in bulk. So if you’re looking for insane violence, gratuitous nudity and the angriest Mexican ever to grace the somewhat silver screen, then I think you might be in luck with Machete. Check out the official synopsis and red band trailer goodness after the jump.

Don Johnson? Bowie knife. Jessica Alba? Pistol. Michelle Rodriguez? Unnecessarily large machine gun. Robert DeNiro? Double fisted handguns. Steven Segal? The same black Nehru jacket he always wears. Lindsey Lohan? Anonymity. Danny Trejo? A massive amount of throwing knives, machetes, and what look like giant scalpels already stained with the insides of men tougher than you. If you’re the type of person who loves to see a Mexican on a souped-up motorcycle, jumping into the air propelled by a massive explosion, then you’re no doubt gritting your teeth until the day you get to see Machete. In the mean time, check out these posters that let you know the exact implements that each character will use to draw blood.

20th Century Fox has released a brand new trailer for Machete, the Danny Trejo led grindhouse style action movie from Robert Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis. And like the first trailer, there is certainly a lot of promises made. It promises to deliver a movie that’s full of sex, inventive violence and all of the Grindhouse spirit that was infused into the faux trailer upon which it is based. But even though I’m excited — very excited — about the very existence of this movie, I can’t help but feel as if the best shot of this entire trailer is the one taken directly from that same faux trailer. Danny Trejo flying through the air on the motorcycle of doom. And if that’s the best shot they can muster for the trailer, what does that say about the rest of the movie? Alright yeah, it’s still probably going to be a badass ride. Watch the trailer for yourself after the jump…

Robert Rodriguez has released a special Cinco De Mayo themed trailer for his upcoming action flick, Machete, and it manages to look all kinds of awesome even with Lindsay Lohan in it…

Nobody better warn him. I really want to see how this plays out. Someone make some popcorn or something.

After being way down on his luck in Las Vegas, he drove until he ran out of gas and ended up working a desk job at an insurance company an Albuquerque. Now he works for a pompous little man (Peter Dinklage), sits next to a chesty gal named Jill (Sarah Silverman) who wears dresses with big yellow smiley faces on them, and lives in a gated community where the gate doesn’t ever work. For all intents and purposes, he lives a normal life. Sort of.

Fox has beat out Paramount and Lionsgate for the chance to distribute a three-minute trailer.