Welcome back to Junfood Cinema. We break laws for meat. Column-owner Brian Salisbury is currently further North than the Northest of the Dakotas covering the Fantasia Film Fest in Montreal. If he knew what Canadians really did he might have rethought his trip. The most I know is that he was alive and well two days ago. Or do I? Canadians are weird and they harbor weird things. I know that because I’ve seen today’s movie that’s set in Calgary, directed by a famous author who writes famously weird stories and starring a famous director who directs famously weird movies in Canada and that makes me a certifiable expert on 1990 Canada. Everything else I learned about Canada I got from Dear Zachary and dammit things just got real and now I’m crying. But back to Canada being South of normal and North of Dakota, if today’s film is any indication as to the happenings of what goes on with the dead in that region of the world then, well, free healthcare is making a ton of sense. I know I’m supposed to plug something clever about how we integrate food in with the movie that we write about, but I just finished re-watching this movie and there is a big pile of man-poo-blob-cyst-slobber creature thing that resembles a Pod fusion between the Brundle Fly and a bowl of clam chowder. So, thank you Clive Barker and David Cronenberg, because appetite destructed. Now about this movie Nightbreed…

Despite the fact that none of these movies that pit two famous movie creatures against each other and none of these B-movie tributes that present material that’s self-aware in its schlockiness have managed to become runaway hits, Hollywood has deemed them to be a trend. And like any other trend, it’s not going to go away until it’s run so far into the ground that it’s almost time to dig it back up for a revival. The next big entry into the purposefully cheesy something vs. something genre is coming from Amazon.com’s Amazon Studios, and it’s going to be called Zombies vs. Gladiators. You see, zombie movies have been a thing for a long time, and gladiator movies have been a thing for a long time…so why not mash them together? It worked so well for Cowboys vs. Aliens after all. All snarkiness and genre exploitation burnout aside, Zombies vs. Aliens does have one thing going for it that none of its predecessors did: pedigree. Amazon Studios may have a set-up where pitches and screenplays are submitted and then voted on, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t hire big Hollywood names to make the projects they decide to green light; and that’s exactly what they’ve decided to do here. Despite the fact that he hasn’t done much writing lately, and he hasn’t directed a film since 1995’s Lord of Illusions, somehow Clive Barker has been convinced to both re-write the Zombies vs. Gladiators script and serve as its director.

Every day, come rain or shine or internet tubes breaking, Film School Rejects showcases a trailer from the past. If you love horror, you love this movie. Or you hate it. Tastes are so fickle these days. Still, if you know it, you remember the deft dialogue from Clive Barker as well as the creature design that looked like a shrunken mummy head got covered in raspberry jam. Watch out, Ireland! It’s…that…it’s that thing! Think you know what it is? Check the trailer out for yourself:

It’s Halloween time (close enough, jerk bags!) so I’m turning the Coroner’s Report into a horror column! Wait what? Exactly. This is always a horror column, because that kind of thing is my bag, baby. But now it’s also part of the 31 Days of Horror and in honor of that, I’m jumping into the way back machine and traveling to 1987 to bring you an in-depth look at Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. This dark, gothic horror film follows Larry, his daughter Kirsty, and his second wife Julia as they move into a house previously occupied by the bad boy brother Frank. Written for the page and the screen by Clive Barker, who also directed, Hellraiser gave birth to one of the iconic characters of the genre: Pinhead. He’s what’s known as a Cenobite, an interdimensional traveler who bills himself as an angel to some, a demon to others. If your religion is all about hooks tearing your body apart, he’s an angel. If that’s your idea of hell, well… The crux of the story is Frank, who has escaped from the Cenobite Hell and seeks Julia’s help in returning to form. To do this, there will have to be murders and sacrifices. Duh.

Our resident horror guru dismisses your anti-remake rhetoric and finds 10 titles that should be remade – and we guarantee you haven’t heard of all of them.

This adaptation of a short story by Clive Barker contains a compelling concept that deserved better treatment.

In the market for a haunted house? Check out this clip from Book of Blood to sneak a peek at some sweet property that comes complete with a girl in her underwear on the ceiling and a ton of skin-slicing spirits.

Clive Barker has teased a Nightbreed director’s cut for years now, but always ended by saying the footage is lost… well it seems someone has finally found it. Now they just need a reason to release it…

As if you’ve already gotten your fill of horror this month – by getting dumped on Valentine’s Day alone – we’ve got an awesome chance for you to win a copy of the fantastic Midnight Meat Train on DVD that happens to be signed by Clive Barker.

Aaron Boone is a troubled young man who may or may not be responsible for a series of brutal murders…

Rage-aholic Robert Fure demands answers as to why seemingly awesome flicks are sentenced to “limited release” hell.

That’s the first and last railroad related pun you’ll find in this report. Unfortunately, we offer no such promises regarding puns involving gay porn.

Just when you thought countless piss-poor sequels had diluted the Hellraiser franchise to a horchata-like potency, Clive Barker himself has wicked-good news.