There is absolutely no satisfying way to explain and introduce Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked in a classic film review format, because of one major hurdle – it’s a film about singing chipmunks that get shipwrecked (sigh, chipwrecked) on a seemingly unpopulated island. It’s hard to believe this is a real film (it’s nearly impossible to also believe that it’s the third film in a franchise), and it’s even harder to attempt to talk about it in a critical and professional manner. But let’s try. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked opens with human moron Dave Seville (Jason Lee) and his six-pack of fuzzy (children? paychecks? vermin?) heading off on what is meant to be restful holiday cruise. Dave is understandably exhausted after spending years of his life raising six chipmunks – Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Brittany, Jeanette, and the other one – who are also international signing superstars. The seven of them plan to use the cruise to relax before hitting the International Music Awards (sort of like the MTV Video Music Awards, but somehow even less important), where the boys (Alvin and the Chipmunks, so much for Simon and Theodore’s name recognition) and the girls (The Chipettes, much more equal opportunity) will likely rack up a bevy of awards. Of course, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes ultimately get marooned on a tropical island, thanks to (shockingly!) a move by ol’ troublemaker Alvin, a plan so stupid that even these damn singing chipmunks should have realized the depth of their idiocy [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr snubs his nose at all the films up for the Oscar in order to enjoy the R-rated smorgasbord that is available in the theaters. He kisses his wife and takes six days off from marriage, just like Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis in Hall Pass. He takes those six days to find a fast car so he can Drive Angry, following Amber Heard and her short shorts in 3D. Apparently no one told him she’s a lesbian now.

The Farrelly Brothers return to R-rated adult comedy in a sometimes naughty but mainly soft-hearted touch about marriage, suburban hell, and fidelity in Hall Pass. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis exemplify their body of comedic work here as the slacker Rich and hyperactive Fred, two good-natured 40-plus year-old men living the middle class life in New England. They have the cars, the houses, the children, and wives of the American dream but feel the need to break out of this mundane existence. Luckily for them, their wives (played by Jenna Fischer and Christiana Applegate) allow them a week off of marriage in order to see what they do with a week of freedom.

At the center of the Farrelly Brothers’ newest film, Hall Pass, is a fundamental question about relationships. At least, it’s the kind of fundamental question that might get someone slapped. Is Olive Garden or Applebee’s the best place to meet hot, horny women? Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis seek to answer that question when they’re wives give them a Hall Pass (or a Kitchen Pass if you’re nasty) – total freedom from marriage for a week. From the looks of the trailer, the women (played by Jenna Fischer and Christina Applegate) are doing it to prove a point about male delusion, and it’ll probably be completely harmless until someone gets hurt. There’s some clever moments amidst the generic (a pot brownie sequence? Really?), but the film at least hints at going off the rails a bit. No word yet on if anyone’s scrotum gets caught in a zipper.

You’re lying in bed with the clock reading some un-Godly hour in red analog, and you reach out your hand to find only the cold space of the other side of your bed. You want to pull the one you love close to you, but you can’t, because they’re gone. They aren’t on vacation or out of town for work. They are – for the foreseeable future – living in a completely different city. Most people have found themselves in this position. Even though the concept of the long distance relationship was probably invented when the first tribe realized there was a second tribe (or at least when war starting sending soldiers away for long periods of time), the struggle to keep the fire burning with mileage looming in between is especially appropriate for an age where you can find love on the other end of an internet connection. It’s the challenge of cross-country romance that the main characters of Going the Distance find themselves facing.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr is all giddy because he’s been invited to a “Dinner for Winners” (though no one has the heart to tell him it’s really a Dinner for Schmucks). He also puts on his 3D glasses to take a gander at some furry spies in Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. Finally, he squeals with excitement about the new Zefron film, but then weeps uncontrollably because Universal didn’t screen it in advance for him.

Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead may be one of the more memorable films of my early teens years, but that’s because I watched a selection of very average movies during that time in my life. I like to claim that I didn’t know any better. I should have, but I didn’t. The fact is that while fun, Don’t Tell Mom wasn’t exactly the pinnacle of early-90s cinema, if there is such a thing.

Set your guns to adorable. Then shoot these little bastards.