Do you love all of the dick jokes in today’s raunchy, R-rated comedies, but hate it when the movies stray away from its protagonists’ penises and try to put their focus on something else, like flash mobs, food trucks, or burgeoning art careers? Then the new comedy from screenwriter Jeff Tetreault, Johnson, might be exactly what you’re looking for. The movie is about a womanizer named Rich Johnson (get it?) whose genitals feel so overworked by his sexual conquests that they take human form, leave his body, and refuse to come back until he learns how to be a better man. According to THR, Twilight star Cam Gigandet has been signed to play Johnson, while comedian Nick Thune has been tapped to play the johnson. Wondering how exactly one depicts a wang taking human form on film? You’re in luck, Tetreault has another dick joke to tell as a non-answer to this question. He explained to THR that his script is, “semi-autobiographical. Nick is only 6’4, though. Shaq would be more of an accurate physical representation.”

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr gets set for another weekend of weddings with Kristen Wiig and her posse. Sadly, he discovers that he doesn’t have a vagina and decides to move on. Next, he takes a trip to an alternate world where priests kick ass and kill vampires. Once he realizes he is woefully out of place next to sultry Maggie Q in a ninja priest outfit, he comes home to find his possessions kicked to the curb with Will Ferrell in the middle of the whole mess.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr is heading off to college and crossing his fingers that his new roommate looks vaguely like Minka Kelly… or Leighton Meester. He’s not picky. He also puts an ad in the paper for “SWF Seeking Same” just to cover all of his bases. But before he does that, he shoots a quick DM to his buddy @JimCameron and spelunks into unexplored territory, saving himself from the terrors that Mother Nature throws at him. Then, after the fun with Sanctum and The Roommate, he takes a nap.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr loosens his belt and falls asleep on the couch after eating too much turkey. But with three days left in the weekend, there’s always the opportunity to brave the hoards of crazy holiday shoppers to see a movie. It’s time to look at a new Disney princess with Tangled, dance with the divas from Burlesque and go Faster with a piece of the Rock.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr is stuck in an elevator reviewing movies, but he realizes that being in there with the Devil isn’t nearly as bad when you’re also stuck in there with faux-slut Emma Stone. To pass the time, he robs a few banks in The Town of Boston with Ben Affleck and embroiders a scarlet Easy A on his chest. Sigh… if only he had worn a shirt when he did that…

Kevin Carr takes a look at this week’s movie releases, including Surrogates, Fame and Pandorum.

It is time to get this whole thing started — and we do that with the Early Edition, our ironically named homage to the CBS TV show of the mid-90s in which we take the day’s biggest headlines and modify them slightly, making them interesting…