This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dresses up in layers and layers of rain gear to brave the estrogen storm that comes with the showing of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I. After enduring that non-masterpiece, he dances down a few screening rooms to watch the new Happy Feet movie. Confounded by the gelatinous goop that masquerades as movies this weekend in American cinema, Kevin eventually curls up in a ball and softly weeps.

As the “worldwide phenomenon” that is The Twilight Saga of films (adapted from Stephenie Meyer‘s equally as popular and blockbuster-selling quartet of novels) has progressed through the years, it has become increasingly difficult for those not already inoculated into the cult of human-vampire-werewolf love triangles to process, enjoy, and understand just exactly what they’re seeing on screen. Which is a nice way of saying that the tale of Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, and a whole mess of other humans and mythological creatures has spiraled almost totally and nonsensically out of control. Following their star-crossed high school courtship, unsteady human Bella (Kristen Stewart) and her smoothie vampire suitor (Robert Pattinson) have decided to take things to the next level. For most eighteen-year-olds (or ostensible eighteen-year-olds with Edward’s immortal appearance), that would mean getting down in the carnal sense – but for Edward and Bella, that means getting married (his choice) so that Bella can finally be turned to match her lover and his family (her choice). These are certainly big decisions for a girl who is barely an adult, but they’re made immeasurably more difficult by a hairy problem – teen werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who is just as in love with Bella as Edward is. That’s The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 in a straight-faced nutshell. Yet, even fans of the series must admit that the final entry into Meyer’s series is absolutely crammed with elements that, at their best, could be described as bizarre. [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

Today People Magazine unveiled their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, crushing the hopes and dreams of thousands of starving beautiful men who thought, maybe just this once, they could have been a contender (better luck next year boys). While Bradley Cooper is a tasty, if not boring, morsel of man, as far as I know he has yet to perform in a movie sex scene. Making him completely of no interest to me in regards to this column. Please correct me if I’m wrong in the comments, as I will for sure need to brush up on my Bradley Cooper sexy-time if it does exist. But enough about my personal disappointment in People Magazine’s cornering of the Sexiest Man Alive market, for today is also the day before the night before the opening of the fourth movie in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part I. Now this little tween fantasy is definitely of interest to me for more than its loose definition of what constitutes child pornography. I have (like almost all women in need of a good train wreck) annually paid good money to the Summit gods for the Twilight experience, and this Friday will be no different. Fans of the sparkly vampire series have (im)patiently waited through the first three films for two Breaking Dawn scenes, one completely contingent on the other. If the press tour mumblings of the film’s stars are anything to believe, Twi-hards should already prepare themselves for some hot and heavy action during Bella [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

The Twilight franchise is known for many things – its lead actors, bringing vampires and werewolves to a cultural fever pitch, the seemingly insatiable fandom that surrounds it, and the story’s sometimes unbelievable plot lines which, in this fourth installment, will give audiences a wedding, a honeymoon, and (naturally) the birth of a vampire/human offspring. But beyond the blood and the fur, the music featured throughout the series has always been an equally important part of the Twilight experience. Author Stephenie Meyer (who penned the novels the films are based on) has even noted the specific pieces of music she was listening to when writing the various books. The impact and influence of music has always been a part of the Twilight world and the anticipation that accompanies the announcement of which artists will be on each soundtrack is almost as though a new actor is joining the cast. Fans turned out in droves to not only see the actors from the films, but to also watch performances from the artists on the soundtracks for Twilight and New Moon at fan events, selections of which can be seen on Music Videos and Performances from The Twilight Saga Soundtracks, Vol. 1. Regardless of what you may think of the films, the soundtracks have always boasted an impressive list of artists who provided original songs for the films such as Muse (“Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever)”), Death Cab for Cutie (“Meet Me at the Equinox”), and Radiohead’s Thom Yorke (“Hearing Damage”). [Due to Content Scraping and Theft, we have been forced to try abbreviated feeds. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and woud very much appreciate you clicking through to view the full article on FilmSchoolRejects.com]

Let’s just be honest here – if you’re into The Twilight Saga, you’re into it. If you’re not into it, well, you’re probably pretty into making fun of it. Luckily for both factions of fanhood, today’s first full-length trailer for the penultimate entry into the massively popular film franchise based on Stephenie Meyer‘s massively popular book series, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, delivers everything that anyone could want from it – showcasing some of the film’s most important scenes (you better believe it’s wedding-heavy), alongside some truly boggling facial expressions. It’s, in short, just as vampire batshit crazy as the rest of the franchise has been so far. Maybe even more. Sink your teeth into the first full trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 after the break.

So it’s not as exciting as a picture of a woman’s hand grabbing a down comforter in joy/pain/agony/or a genuine love of down comforters, but the first look at The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn features Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart either right in the middle of, right before, or right after the thing that adults do. It’s been no secret that the final installment involves some legally and religiously sanctioned love-making, but it just doesn’t seem right without the glitter. See it for yourself and let us know your opinion, after the jump:

Breaking Dawn and the rest of its Twilight counterparts are infinitely fascinating because they stand as artistic entries dealing with gruesome subject matter (the love included) that’s aimed squarely at a young teen audience. So far, there’s been a profound emptiness in the movies, but since each installment has been inevitable, there’s been a flicker of a glimmer of a spark of some hope that it would be better than its predecessors. That hope still exists for the two part final entry, but USA Today is reporting that the film will be walking the fine line of shooting for a PG-13 sex scene and birthing scene. The question of how they’ll pull that off will make a major impact on the quality of the movie. Assuming the other parts of the movie are also quality. The point is that it could be the nail in the coffin or the scene that brings everything together. This glosses over a very obvious fact, though. They are shooting a sex scene for 12 year olds to watch. That’s a tough and creepy prospect that usually involves renting a panel van, but the key according to producer Wyck Godfrey is the perspective of the shots. Apparently it won’t be “soft core porn,” but a sex scene without sex usually turns out that way. There’s a challenge there. The production needs to fulfill a long-promised culmination of a relationship while also delivering it in a responsible way to young teenagers. Expect a lot of glowering.

It’s been exciting finding out just how absurd movie marketing and movie news reporting has become. Here’s hoping that the down slope continues, but in the mean time, we can all celebrate the slap in the face delivered from the marketers for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. It’s the last movie in the series, the hook is already in the gullet of their core audience, so they deliver what everyone wants: a hand. Either it’s the feathery result of some orgasmic tension being release a little too close to the down comforter or Bella has finally realized her insatiable hunger for raw goose. Or she ripped a goose apart while making love. Totally, legally-sanctioned, ethically permissible love. [Thanks Twitter]

If there’s one thousand things missing from the Twilight series, one of them has got to be a severe lack of undead teen idols sinking their teeth into some meaty placenta. But for the billions of people awaiting the sweet release of finally seeing Edward dig into Bella’s cervix like it’s a plate of spaghetti, disappointment is all that’s left. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg cleared up some rumors about what’s in the script for Breaking Dawn and what’s being filmed right now regarding the not-at-all-controversial human giving birth to a half-vampire that breaks her ribs and explodes out of her uterus. There’s a lot to look forward to, but… “…would we actually see Edward’s teeth through the placenta? I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to see that…” Damn it, Rosenberg. Give the fans what they want! The people demand placenta biting! [PopSugar]

The first Twilight movie isn’t in theaters until next week but that doesn’t appear to be slowing down Summit Entertainment’s commitment to making a few more in the coming years.