Welcome back to JFC; we ain’t gonna play Sun City. Written from within the Bad Movie Archives nestled comfortably below the surface of the Earth somewhere underneath Dolph Lundgren’s wombat ranch, Junkfood Cinema is, according to critics, “arguably worth your time.” Every week I flash fry an entire movie in the white-hot oil of merciless mockery. But then I cool it on a baking rack of unabashed reverence letting it congeal into something unironically delicious. Then, after coming to the terrifying realization that I can’t actually eat a metaphor, I will substitute a real-world snack item paired to the film in the hopes that my writing will no longer boast the greatest offense to your bowels. Today’s treat: Demon Knight

IMDB would have you believe that Billy Zane shaves his head for aerodynamics in the swimming pool, but we all know that’s not true. It’s our hearts he slips into so effortlessly, and maybe your girlfriend’s vagina, and he does it with a mischievous grin, a dastardly glimmer in his eyes, and yes, that frequently shaven head of his. He’s a memorable actor in every one of his films and often the best thing about many of them too… mostly the direct to DVD ones. Speaking of which, his latest film is the third sequel in the Sniper franchise and the first to see him reprise his role from the original. Sniper: Reloaded hit shelves this week, and we’ve got a free DVD for one lucky winner. How can you win? Simple… tell us your favorite Billy Zane performance in the comment section below. I know what you’re thinking. Narrow Zane’s many brilliant performances down to just one?!? But remember, if this was easy everyone would have a chance at winning. So tell us which role of his thrills you the most, and to make things even tougher (and to make sure you’re still reading) I’m going to ban the best answer from consideration. Dead Calm is that answer, and it will not be accepted below.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; who knew reading could be hazardous to your health? Take that elementary school librarians! In a ceaseless assault on I.Q.’s across the nation, every week I bring you samplings from the bad film elite and break down exactly where they failed to meet traditional standards of cinema quality.

Step one to being taken seriously: Make a socially conscious film. Step two: Have a typo in the trailer.

The Associated Press reports that The Phantom is getting a remake, of sorts. I’ll give you a minute to digest that news. No, really, take your time.

Uwe Boll is suing actor Billy Zane over a sticky financial situation arising from 2006′s Bloodrayne.