Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! Those days surely include Arnold Schwarzenegger providing another grand achievement in film commentary, and though we’ve already covered Total Recall, we weren’t going to let that little fact stand in our way of checking in with Arnie once again this week. The commentary the Governator recorded with director John Milius for Conan the Barbarian has gone down in history as one of the greats, a true wonder to behold. It’s the movie that made Arnold a star, and he thankfully provides a commentary as awesome as the movie itself. But, in case you aren’t ready to behold it just yet, we’ve got you covered. So here, by the will of Crom, are all 33 things we learned while listening to the Conan the Barbarian commentary – that is, besides crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentation of their women. That comes later.

This week, Colin Farrell tries to fill Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sizeable shoes in the remake of Total Recall. If you’re not a fan of Farrell or director Len Wiseman, or if you’re just angry about a PG-13 remake of an R-rated film, why not check out Paul Verhoeven’s original? Lionsgate releases the new Blu-ray in the “Mind Bending Edition” this week, which basically means a new edition to sell the week of the remake’s release. But that shouldn’t stop you from visiting a bar in Venusville where you can drink yourself silly while watching this slice of R-rated 90s silliness.

Up until this point they’ve been calling David Ayer’s upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger-starring crime film Ten. Which has made sense, because its a story about 10 DEA agents who rip off a drug cartel and then get bumped off one by one. But Ten is also a generic title that could mean just about anything, so in order to make the film stand out and be more recognizable they’ve now given it the super descriptive and unforgettable title of…Breacher. Okay, so that just makes it sound like this is a movie about a whale or a submarine. Who actually knows why they changed the title, but the deed has been done, and the important thing to focus on is that there’s some new casting news that might be of interest. Breacher, as has been reported, comes from a Skip Woods script that’s loosely based off of an Agatha Christie story called “And Then There Were None.” Christie’s original story detailed the systematic comeuppance of ten previously unpunished murderers. Seeing as the very core of this story is a group of people getting what’s coming to them, it’s going to be very necessary for Ayer to compile an ensemble cast. And as much as we all might love to watch Schwarzenegger don various wigs and prosthetics to play every part, that’s kind of Eddie Murphy’s thing, and wouldn’t be appropriate.

Part of the appeal of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films is that the basic conceit informing their aesthetic seems so natural. Batman is one of few major superheroes that isn’t actually a super-hero. Batman mythology, then, lends itself to a degree of plausibility more than, say, Superman or Spider-Man, so why not manifest a vision of Batman that embraces this particular aspect that distinguishes this character from most superhero mythologies? But realism has not been a characteristic that unifies Batman’s many representations in the moving image. Through the eyes of Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher, the Batman of tentpole studio filmmaking has occupied either a world of gothic architecture and shadowy noir, or one of schizophrenic camp. From 1989 to 1997, Batman was interpreted by visionary directors with potent aesthetic approaches, but approaches that did not necessarily aim to root the character within a landscape of exhaustive Nolanesque plausibility.

This Friday I took a little meander around the Hall early in the morning and snapped some pictures, which turned out to be a secretly and accidentally smart thing to do since I ended up stuck in line for the majority of the day before seeing about three hours of panels. It was the Hall H line from Hell, but that didn’t stop us from getting a ton of cool pictures for you to check out. Come on in to the gallery and see some cool stuff from GI Joe, Iron Man, Prometheus, Gremlins, and a very sexy pin-up of our very own Rorschach!

People like to talk a lot in absolutes and turn everything into a competition. Hence, you hear a lot of “what won Comic Con” in regards to what panel absolutely floored people, generally with the reveal of footage. I can tell you with great certainty that The Expendables 2 did not win San Diego Comic-Con, but it sure as hell was a fun panel. The panel started with the same trailer we’ve already seen – hey, you’ve got to tease the crowd a little bit first, you can’t just come right out and show them something new. This was quickly followed up with a Stallone highlight reel set to some blistering rock and roll, from Black Sabbath to The Rolling Stones, with clips covering Rocky, Rambo, Assassins, The Expendables, The Expendables 2, and Tango and Cash! With a sufficiently manly introduction, the rest of the cast was brought out – Terry Crews climbed the table and Arnold Schwarzenegger got his own rocking clip show that spanned from Conan the Barbarian to Predator, Terminator, and True Lies. But what about new Expendables 2 footage!?

Sylvester Stallone’s upcoming all-star action extravaganza The Expendables 2 is currently in the midst of a mass scale marketing blitz that recently motored on with the release of its final official poster over at Yahoo! Movies (check out a larger version after the break). Just look at all those big names standing next to each other and try to tell me that it doesn’t get you excited for the possibility of seeing them kick ass on the same screen. These guys are the biggest badasses in movie history, without question, and just the idea of seeing JCVD finally going toe-to-toe with Chuck Norris is enough to make one salivate. But what’s with the name of this franchise? The Expendables? Hardly. These rich old men are anything but, as their films have basically made all the money the action genre has brought in over the last three decades. To paint them as some sort of rag-tag team of underdogs is just downright disingenuous. If rooting for the little guy is your cup of tea, however, then boy do I have an appealing B-team of action badasses for you. Meet the Soldiers of Fortune:

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema…bitches leave. Can you smell that? If you’re reading this column, it’s probably not fresh air. Our fearless leader is off fighting healthy eating in parts unknown and thus it falls to me to continue this tasty treat. You may have noticed we’ve been mixing things up recently here at JFC, throwing out the old formula of why it’s bad and why we love it anyway and instead selecting a specific topic to examine. This week’s full-flavored film choice is none other than JFC alum Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Raw Deal. Direct from 1986 to your eyeballs, Raw Deal is everything you’d hope for in an over-the-top action flick. But one of the greatest aspects of the movie is it’s tagline. Emblazoned across the cover art are the words, “The system gave him a Raw Deal. Nobody gives him a Raw Deal.” And so without further ado, here are the 7 other things noboby gives Arnie S!

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the Riddle of Steel…is that Shaq should not play superheroes. You’ve entered a mythic realm of swords and sorcery, of Tangos and Cashes, of Mikes and Ikes. Every week, our hero (read: pudgy misanthrope) battles a tremendous schlock monster – as well as the sinister threat of early onset heart failure. With his sharp words, he slices the beast open, spilling its flaws upon the ground before hoisting the entrails aloft in celebration. To commemorate this all-too-violent metaphor, a feast of one tasty snack food item will be prepared and set before you. A couple weeks ago, the Alamo Drafthouse launched its Summer of 1982 series; a celebration of arguably the greatest season of the greatest year to ever…fall two years before I was born. Dozens of iconic films, both real people legit and JFC-approved, are being screened, including a certain sword and sandal epic that redefined swords, sandals, and indiscernible Austrian meat piles: Conan the Barbarian. We all remember Conan, he was the gentle oaf-beast who solved most of his problems by cleaving said problem’s head in twain while he struggled with words far less complicated than twain. He battled the Snake Cult and it’s malevolent leader Thulsa Doom (which translated into English from the ancient text means, “This is CNN”). We all remember that classic moment in which Conan is seated in the center of the banquet table, like a roided-up centerpiece, while his masters make him recite what is best in life.

Since the end of his political career, action icon Arnold Schwarzenegger has dove back into the world of movie-making head first. He popped into Sylvester Stallone’s action star team-up, The Expendables, for a cameo, he signed on to play an aging Sheriff in Last Stand, and he agreed to work with Stallone again, playing a career inmate in The Tomb. While running into a familiar face from the old days is usually a welcome experience, Arnie’s comeback has been met with doubt and derision by a huge segment of the film fan population. At 65 years of age, should the big guy still be making action movies? When he’s asked to have those big hero moments where he strikes a pose and drops a cheesy pun, will it still play as awesome, or will he now look wrinkled and sad? Up to this point it’s seemed like his comeback roles have been chosen wisely to reflect the realities of being an aging actor. He’s a badass from the old days, a cop at the end of his career, or a veteran convict who’s been locked up for years. Words like “grizzled” and “tough as an old boot” come to mind when you picture Arnie slipping into characters like these. But with his new role, where he’s going to be playing a member of an elite DEA task force, he may be pushing things a little too far. What sort of an elite task force would include a retiree as one

Sylvester Stallone seems to be pretty proud of the work he’s done on his latest film, The Expendables 2. So much so that he’s even dressed up in a suit and tie to premiere the movie’s trailer on IGN (fancy!). Sly says of his new all-star action extravaganza, “If you thought the first movie kicked some serious ass, you haven’t seen anything yet.” For fans of The Expendables, that has to be an exciting bit of music to their action-loving ears. But what of us who thought the first movie was mostly just a disappointing bore? Well, if this new bit of advertising is to be believed, there might be some hope for us as well.

It’s taken 33 Commentary Commentaries, 33 different movies we’ve heard all kinds of people from directors to actors to whatever was going on with Cannibal: The Musical, but we’ve finally gotten to AH-NOLD. That’s right. This week we’re looking into Total Recall, that mind-melting actioner from 1990 wherein Arnold Schwarzenegger uses a completely innocent bystander as a human shield, loses his memory, and saves just about every mutant living on Mars. He doesn’t save the girl with three breasts, though. That probably deserves a spoiler alert. But it’s time to hear what Schwarzenegger and director Paul Verhoeven have to say about the whole experience. With the remake headed our way this Summer, we felt it was time to find out everything we could about this modern classic. Maybe this time next year we’ll have a Total Recall 2012 commentary from Colin Farrell and Len Wiseman. Wiseman has already offered a commentary for his film’s trailer, but there’s no way in the world it’s going to be as entertaining as listening to Verhoeven and Schwarzenegger. No way. Let’s get our asses to Mars, shall we?

Before it had even filled out a single supporting role, the upcoming prison break actioner The Tomb was already blowing my mind with its casting, because it managed to become the movie that finally fulfilled my childhood fantasy of having Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up as a duo of badasses. The film intrigued further, however, when it cast Jim Caviezel, an actor with some serious chops, as the evil prison warden that Sly and Arnie would be running afoul of. Maybe this movie would have even more to offer than just the chance to watch the two most preeminent ass-kickers of the 80s do their thing in tandem? Well now a big casting update from Variety all but confirms that this one has more than one trick up its sleeve. Four new names have been added to, or are in talks to join the cast, and whether it’s because of talent, notoriety, or a combination of the two, each name is rather newsworthy in their own right. Perhaps the most exciting of the bunch is Amy Ryan, who has signed on to play the Stallone character’s business partner and potential love interest. Whether it’s performing comedy on something like The Office, or doing drama in something like The Wire, Ryan has proven that she’s a great hand whatever the situation, so her inclusion should go a long way in classing this big, dumb action movie up.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; we’ve already eaten a truckload of those Dorito-shell tacos. This is the weekly (cough) bad movie column that dares never to ask why. Our taste-free taste in film runs the gamut from terrible to abysmal to Ishtar to worse. Usually the way this is constructed, and I only use that term in the same sense as one constructing a soggy gingerbread house, is that we skewer the film first, pointing out all its sundry flaws before lavishing adoration upon it in section two. This is routinely followed by a tasty (read: heart-punching) snack food item themed to the movie. But rules, like diets, were made to be broken. It is therefore with slightly less shame than usual that we present to you the various important life lessons taught to us by one of the all time great contributions to Elementary School Film Noir: Kindergarten Cop.

The head honchos over at Universal seem to be undergoing a mid-life crisis of sorts as they reflect on their (relative) youth back in the year 1988. First, they announced last week that they’re going to move forward on a sequel to the Robert De Niro/Charles Grodin comedy Midnight Run (conveniently forgetting the three made-for-TV sequels that already exist). And now they’ve let word get out that they’re eyeballing a sequel to Ivan Reitman’s Twins. As awesome as that doesn’t sound, the news gets even more topical and ridiculous. According to THR, the studio wants to reunite Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito as the unlikely twins and add a third player into the mix so they can call the film Triplets. And who do they supposedly want for the third sibling? None other than Mr. Box Office Poison himself, Eddie Murphy!

This Sunday! There will be a thing on the Internet! That we all might be interested to see! But here is some of it now! The teaser trailer has somewhat recently become quite the en vogue way to heighten anticipation for films – throw up a few splashy title cards, dice in some scenes that could (or could not) be important to the film, bate viewers for the full trailer. It’s a fair way to market stuff, and when it works, it really works – like in this teaser trailer for Len Wiseman‘s take on Total Recall. Wiseman’s film is “inspired anew” by Philip K. Dick’s short story, “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale,” and it stars Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and Bryan Cranston. While it’s hard to get too much of a feel for an entire production from a thirty-second spot that’s peppered with reminders to watch for the full trailer this Sunday, Wiseman’s film at least looks to be a bit more serious and hardcore than Paul Verhoeven’s 1990 film. And, of course, it appears to come complete with Farrell jumping on stuff, like, all the time. The teaser trailer won’t make you wish you had three hands, but it will certainly make you want to see more.

It seems that when it comes to tales of good and evil – we often see anything besides good winning and evil losing as some kind of a cop out. Like… we’d rather see the villain fall to their death or be eaten by hyenas than learn the error of their ways -something that’s more than evident in Disney films, which have featured both killer hyenas and high places. But, you know – when a bad guy ultimately turns good, if done right, it’s way better to watch. More often than not they still usually end up dying horrible, so there’s that too, but at least they die good. There’s probably going to be a lot of spoilers below.

After waiting basically my entire childhood for a movie where Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger would team up, I ended up entering adulthood a disappointed, broken man. It wasn’t until 2010’s The Expendables that the two titans of my childhood would even appear in the same movie, and in that case Arnie just showed up for like thirty seconds and didn’t really do anything. It was kind of a slap in the face. Things might be different once The Expendables 2 comes out this summer; it’s a much more legitimate all-star gathering of action heroes than the first film, and Schwarzenegger is said to have a much more expanded role than he did in the first. But seeing as that first film was so boring and ended up being yet another disappointment, I’m not going to get my hopes up. The Tomb though, now this is a movie that I’m willing to start naively anticipating. This one doesn’t just sound like the big Sly/Arnie team-up flick that I’ve always dreamed of, but it’s also the sort of dumb prison movie that I grew up loving. Stallone is set to star as Ray Breslin, basically the best guy in the world when it comes to designing prisons. That’s a good sign right there. The star of any action movie should always be the best in the world at something. But it gets better; this film sees him getting thrown in a prison of his own design and needing to figure out

No, this isn’t a joint obituary. According to Aint It Cool, international star of stage and screen Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to join Sylvester Stallone for action flick The Tomb. Some people have golf. Some people have bingo. These two have action movies. But as old as they are (65 for Stallone, 64 for Schwarzenegger), it’s still awesome to see the two working together because it’s the culmination of every 1980s action dream out there. It’s Commando and Rambo! It’s Rocky and Conan! It’s Cash and The Terminator! It’s the kind of pairing that should make everyone want to pick up a ventilation shaft and throw it through the nearest kidnapper. The movie itself will feature a security officer (Stallone) who creates top-grade systems for jails that want to keep their prisoners in cells. When he’s framed and lands in one of those prisons, he has to use his knowledge to escape and seek retribution. Hopefully he also has to use his buddy with the grenade launcher and gubernatorial experience. As Harry Knowles points out, Bruce Willis was once going to star, then Schwarzenegger himself was going to take the lead, and now Stallone is doing it. So after turning the movie down to do The Last Stand, Schwarzenegger has decided he just wanted another role. If Willis signs back on, it’ll be the movie casting equivalent of square dancing (another thing retired people enjoy). It will also be awesome. Now the thing just needs a director…is Mark Lester still

UPDATED: Looks like this baby is still called Black Sands. One of TheArnoldFans sent us this – “SORRY…Okay, it looks like we are back to the film title ‘Black Sands!’ An Arnold rep contacted us and explained there must have been a translation problem from Google translator on the title. The original source, written by one of Arnold’s close Austrian friends, either accidentally wrote ‘Black Sunday’ or the translation to English was off. Either way, it  sounds like the plot remains equally as exciting with Arnold as an angel! Production start date: April!” We still haven’t seen any finished products from the newly out-of-retirement Arnold Schwarzenegger hit the theaters. But with his first project back in the acting world, Last Stand, done shooting, and the first trailer for Stallone’s upcoming Expendables sequel (where Arnie reportedly has a meatier role) having come and gone, all that will soon be remedied. Now that the action legend has his first round of comeback movies in the can, what’s next on his schedule? According to fan site The Arnold Fans, it’s going to be a movie called Black Sunday, which was previously being developed under the title Black Sands. Reportedly the film is about an immortal character who is in a war against a group of evil arms dealers. When asked details about the project, Schwarzenegger replied, “I’m a kind of angel,” but stopped short by adding, “I can not currently say more about this film.” His lawyers have trained him well. While I’m