You probably missed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s comeback. Most people did. The Last Stand was supposed to be the former Governor’s mighty return to movies, but instead it grossed a paltry $12 million domestically and now marks Schwarzenegger’s lowest grossing movie ever (factoring inflation). It’s a shame, because those who (really should) take the opportunity to give The Last Stand the second chance it deserves on video will discover that it’s not just an enjoyable burst of Golden Age action cinema filmmaking, but a meta narrative that makes it far more intriguing than it appears. Most comeback movies dutifully pander to fans’ nostalgic expectations by just giving them more of what ain’t broke. Exhibit A: The Expendables series, which recreates for its actors (including Schwarzenegger) the roles they’ve always inhabited while exhibiting an “Oorah! We still got it!” enthusiasm about bringing back its aging heroes. The Last Stand, however, isn’t interested in simply rebooting its star into his old plot and character archetypes. Instead, it offers Schwarzenegger a comeback movie with a character — Sheriff Ray Owens — with a comeback narrative of his own. What’s more, because it biographically grafts Ray to Arnold, The Last Stand turns its fictional character’s journey from former to restored hero into one that parallels the very re-ascension Schwarzenegger is undergoing with this film.

Great news for a lame project. Steve Pink is bringing his comedic talents as a director to a remake of Troma’s super-cult hit The Toxic Avenger. That much we knew, but now Variety is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to star in the film, but he won’t be Toxie, and The Wrap is claiming that the role is as Toxie’s mentor who uses black ops training to mold a monster into a hero. If you’re thinking it would be cooler to see Schwarzenegger as the corrupt, crime-lord mayor, you’re not alone. This is all truly conflicting. Despite the bizarre lose/lose nature of trying to remake a cult movie, there may be a glimmer of a fun film here. Pink, who wrote and will direct, has got some great chops. Unfortunately, the project is being described as “an action adventure geared toward mainstream audiences.” Toxic Avenger geared toward mainstream audiences? The last we heard, they were even trying to make it PG-13. Because if you’re trying to remake a niche film, the main thing you want to do is make it digestible enough for a broader audience by cutting out all the things that made it interesting. It’s a great way to alienate fans of the original while making the general audience scratch their heads. So, yeah, even if Schwarzenegger signs on, this all sounds unbelievably stupid.

What is Casting Couch? Currently its a column that reports on casting news, but it’s thinking about getting into directing. The last time we saw Toby Jones’ Captain America character, Dr. Arnim Zola, he was in captivity and giving up the goods on all of his boss, the Red Skull’s, super-secret plans. Fans of the comics know that Zola isn’t just some anonymous patsy who’s going to fade into the background, however. Mad scientists don’t go out like that. Instead, Zola has his mind put into a weird robot body that projects his face on his tummy and he continues to give Cap problems down through the ages. That’s in the comics. But now we’ve gotten some indication that we might be seeing some of this stuff play out in the upcoming Captain America movies as well. When giving an interview to Hey U Guys, Jones confirmed that he will indeed be returning for Captain America: The Winter Soldier, though whether it will just be through flashbacks to the 40s or if we’re going to see him as his present-day tummy robot isn’t yet clear. You gotta root for tummy robot though, right?

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s full fledged return to the big screen in this weekend’s The Last Stand isn’t triumphant by any measure, but it is a pretty fun action film which is all the more impressive considering the star is 65 years of age. Raking in an estimated and meager $6.3 million three-day total, the film was handily out-grossed by Mama, Zero Dark Thirty, Silver Linings Playbook, Gangster Squad, A HAUNTED HOUSE, Django Unchained, The Hobbit, and man the list just keeps on going. I mean, seriously, did you see that A Haunted House, a movie that likely shouldn’t have even gotten a theatrical release, beat out The Last Stand at the movies? That’s disgraceful. I’m glad to see the success of Mama and many of the other films are Awards Season hold-overs, but this weekend should have been one for Arnold to win. If you’re an action film, I’m here to tell you: you’ve got to see action films in theaters or we’re screwed.

As written, The Last Stand is not an interesting movie. It’s a simple modern-day western as action flick with dialogue that’s nearly 100% expositional and a plot that offers nothing in the way of surprise, suspense or subtlety. It could really have been made at any time and starred any major or minor actor and been roughly the same as what we’re looking at this weekend with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the leading role. But The Last Stand is arriving now and indeed with Schwarzenegger’s name on the top of the marquee, his first starring vehicle in ten years. That makes the movie of note all by itself, in such a way that it might as well be actually titled “The Return of Arnold Schwarzenegger.” Or “Arnold is Back,” although this would imply that it’s an opportunity for winking bits of self-awareness. Surprisingly, there’s not a lot of silly references to the Arnie classics and signature lines. He thankfully got the obvious “I’m back” shtick out of his system in last year’s The Expendables 2.

After almost eight years as governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the big screen in a lead role in The Last Stand, releasing this week. For fans of his action movies, the best way to prepare for this is to dig into the classics of his filmography. Few Arnold films are as classic as Mark Lester’s 1985 hit Commando. Commando tells the story of retired Delta Force operative John Matrix, whose daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped to ensure he’ll assassinate a South American president. Of course, things don’t go well for the bad guys when Matrix tosses that mission aside and blows everything up in his way to rescue Jenny. It’s Arnold, post-Terminator, and he’s back.

Despite the stellar filmography of The Last Stand’s director Jee-woon Kim and the excitement surrounding its star Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to acting, the film doesn’t seem to be building all that much buzz online. To be fair, it seems to tell a rock simple story, there haven’t been any mind blowing action scenarios in any of the trailers, and when its advertisements go for humor it’s more of the “Is Johnny Knoxville making fun of handicapped people?” variety than the actually funny variety. To this point, it hasn’t been clear if there was any reason to really give The Last Stand a chance other than its director’s reputation. The debut of its red band trailer finally gives us a reason to root for this one though. And that reason is—plain and simple—over the top, bloody violence. We get to see Schwarzenegger tear people in half with a chain gun, we see a dude blown apart with a grenade launcher, and there’s even a well placed F-bomb that gets you juiced up to take in the final fight.

Back in March, our own Rob Hunter eloquently expounded on the implications of Universal Pictures’ desire to create a sequel to the Arnold Schwarzenegger- and Danny DeVito-starring minor comedic classic Twins, reportedly to be called Triplets and created with the intent to rope Eddie Murphy in as the third “brother” in the already deeply stupid scenario. Verdict? Well, stupid, but not beyond the realm of possibility in remake-happy Hollywood. We’ve heard scarce little about the project – until now! Deadline Hollywood reports that Universal and Montecito Pictures have hired Josh Gad and Ryan Dixon to pen a treatment for the script (weirdly, these things don’t just write themselves and there are rarely any monkeys and typewriters involved), with Dixon set to write the final script. Also, Ivan Reitman will return to direct the sequel, which makes sense, because his Ghostbusters 3 is never actually going to happen.

When The Last Stand hits theaters in a few months it will finally put an answer to two congruent question marks. One, can Arnold Schwarzenegger still carry an action film? And B, can Kim Ji-woon manage the same level of quality with his American debut that he’s enjoyed with his Korean films? The first teaser for the film gave us little to judge (aside from too much of co-star Johnny Knoxville), but now a true trailer has debuted. It fleshes out the supporting cast to include Forest Whitaker, Peter Stormare, Luis Guzman and Jaimie Alexander (who was kind enough to bring along the tiny town from Thor), but the story remains similarly simplistic. A high-profile prisoner escapes federal custody and makes for the Mexican border in a souped-up sports car and protected by a small army of thugs. The only thing standing between him and freedom? A small-town sheriff, his ill-equipped deputies and the guy who pretended to be mentally handicapped from The Ringer. Check out the full trailer below.

Finally free from the oppressive chains of leading the great state of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger has wasted no time when it comes to lining up new project after new project. (Look! We even made a guide to all those new projects!) And yet, that just doesn’t seem to be enough for the action star. What else could he possibly want? Apparently, to be Conan the Barbarian again. Deadline Hollywood reports that Universal Pictures has lined up a deal for a brand new Schwarzenegger-starring Conan film, titled The Legend of Conan. No, you are not dreaming this. So, just what sort of Conan film are we in for, now that thirty years have passed since Schwarzenegger first played the character? Well, one that centers on a nearly-dead Conan. That sounds fun! Producer Fredrik Malmberg explains, “The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make…It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

Well, it’s the beginning of September, and the Summer days of giant robots and even bigger explosions is now behind us. We here at Film School Rejects don’t want the Summer movie season to be over just yet, so we’re going back to one of the biggest Summer movies of our collective childhood for this week’s Commentary Commentary. The master of giant budget films, James Cameron, is just the person to take us back, too. This week, we’re going into Cameron’s mind to see what he has to say about Terminator 2: Judgment Day, not the director’s biggest movie but definitely the blockbuster that put him on the Summer map. Even better, it features Arnold Schwarzenegger in his least expendable role yet. Let’s not forget the quips, either. So say, “Hasta la vista, baby,” to the intro and let’s get into the good stuff. Here they are, all 42 things we learned listening to James Cameron and co-writer William Wisher talk about Terminator 2.

All in all, this was a decent summer. There were plenty of highs and lows, with zero grand achievements for either sides of that scale. We could argue endlessly about what movies lived up to the hype or which ones totally blew it, but where’s the fun in having that conversation for the thousandth time over twitter? What we all should be discussing is the important stuff, like, how sad Damon Lindelof‘s Twitter feed could get this summer or how many ounces of man sweat we think Matthew McConaughey shed in Magic Mike? These are the real topics worthy of discussion, ’cause who cares why Vickers didn’t run a few feet to the right to easily save her life in Prometheus? Or how on earth Batman survived that nuclear blast when we clearly saw him in The Bat before the blast? These are details we all need to let go of. What you all really need to know is who came out as the winners and losers of this summer season, and I’m here to tell you who.

Just like a cybernetic killing machine from the future, Arnold Schwarzenegger just can’t be stopped. Sure, he can take long breaks between sequels or be a two-term Governor of one of the biggest states of the union, but he’ll always be back. Now that his political tenure has come to an end, Arnold is going back to doing what he does second best: acting. First best is lifting heavy things, of course. Aside from his cameos in The Expendables and Around the World in 80 Days, Schwarzenegger has been absent from the big screen for around nine years – his last leading role was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. If your life somehow felt more meaningless in that period, you are not alone – and relief is coming as we break down Schwarzenegger’s upcoming confirmed and rumored film appearances.

It almost hurts to think about The Expendables. It was simply heartbreaking to see such a great concept squandered, buried in a mire of terrible effects, ridiculous over-exposited story and worst of all, poorly shot and cut action sequences. How could they have brought together some of the greatest living action stars for a modern action film, a seemingly simple endeavor, and still managed to screw up? So it was with “fool me once” eyes that we as action movie lovers gobbled up news stories on the inevitable sequel. Expanded parts for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis? Jean Claude Van Damme?! Chuck Norris!?! It wasn’t long before the excitement grew so big that it clouded our collective memory of the disappointment of the first film. With everyone important back, some great new faces and an R-rating secured, we allowed ourselves to hope that maybe they finally got it right. And while The Expendables 2 does deliver more of what we always wanted from these films, it’s still not quite the home run we wanted.

Kim Jee-woon is currently six for six as a director, and that’s pretty goddamn unprecedented. He’s made six features, and none of them are any less than “very good.” He’s also shown considerable range moving from dramatic comedy (The Foul King, The Quiet Family) to horror (A Tale of Two Sisters) to awesome (A Bittersweet Life, The Good the Bad the Weird, I Saw the Devil), and now he’s coming to America. We’d be lying if we said the announcement of his intent to make a Hollywood film didn’t feel us with fear and trepidation because many brilliant foreign directors have crossed our borders only to see their talents sucked away by the studio system. The addition of Arnold Schwarzenegger as his new film’s lead helped a little, but the worry was still there. The Last Stand is about a small town sheriff on the Mexican border whose quiet day off is shattered when he gets word that a drug kingpin has escaped from an FBI convoy and is headed straight for the border… by way of Schwarzenegger’s sleepy little town. The villain has a cadre of heavily armed friends helping his run, and the former California governor is all that stands between him and freedom. Peter Stormare, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Luis Guzman, and Jaime Alexander are all along for the ride. Check out the trailer below.

If you’re a real action movie fan, you know the biggest super group team-up movie of the summer isn’t The Avengers, but The Expendables 2. Because who wants to see a bunch of heroes come together to wear tights, yellow armor, or purple pants, when they can see the mass team-up of 80s and 90s beefcake action heroes whose combined machismo could instantly mature a twelve-year-old boy into a beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, bicep-bulging, five-o-clock-shadowed manly thirty-something? If the question is “Are we not men?” then the combined manliness of The Expendables 2 cast reminds us that the answer is “Yes, but obviously only because action stars taught us to be.” Each of these men (well, okay, 25% of them) and their action movies could teach a master class on being the epitome of man, but amongst them there is only one Albert Einstein of Macho, one Dalai Lama of Masculinity, one Aristotle of Testosterone: Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Since he appeared in Conan the Barbarian in 1982, Ahnuld’s action films over the decades have woven together the definitive guide to being a Y-chromosome carrier. So, if you happen to need a refresher, or are new to this whole “being a manly dude” thing, here are 10 essential rules on how to be a real man – according to Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies.

It’s Expendables week and if you’re anything like me, you couldn’t be more erect. There’s just something about a bunch of hulked up dudes, rippling with muscle, dripping with sweat, kicking ass, and wrestling each other that just really appeals to me, ya know? “No homo.” ~ The Lonely Island. But seriously, putting aside the disappointment in the first film (I still dig it, it just could have been way better), there is something great about seeing all the biggest action stars of the 80s and 90s back on screen again in a big way. Notice my word choice here – biggest. Big. Emphasis on size. These dudes are no joke. Sly Stallone could be retired and playing golf Palm Springs, but instead he’s working out and putting guys half his age to shame on the screen. Likewise, Terry Crews, gigantic and scary. Arnold Schwarzenegger, one of the biggest of all time. Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris – dudes that all flexed serious muscle on screen. Why do people get so excited about these guys making their return to the silver screen? Simple. Our action stars today are lacking. To put it simply: Where’s the beef?

Fair warning – Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be everywhere soon. The Expendables 2 hits theaters this weekend, and now that he’s unencumbered by gubernatorial duties, the body builder formally known as “Numero Uno” plans to spend all of his free time being in all the movies forever. According to an excellent profile in the Wall Street Journal, Schwarzenegger has outlined a focused comeback plan to recapture his Hollywood stardom. That seemed fairly clear from the waves of announcements in the months following the end of his public service, but when the article notes the one-two punch of “nostalgia” and “empathy for an aging action hero,” it paints the portrait exactly right. From the David Ayer action flick Breacher to the English-language debut of Ji-woon Kim The Last Stand, Schwarzenegger is looking to build on his previous talents while recognizing his new status as the elder statesman. The article also features the first look at the actor with Sylvester Stallone, posing in jail gear for The Tomb – the story of a mega-prison designer who gets locked up behind the bars of his own creation and has to hatch an escape plan. They’re just standing around, hanging out, but hopefully one of them throws a steam pipe through a dude at some point.

Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! Those days surely include Arnold Schwarzenegger providing another grand achievement in film commentary, and though we’ve already covered Total Recall, we weren’t going to let that little fact stand in our way of checking in with Arnie once again this week. The commentary the Governator recorded with director John Milius for Conan the Barbarian has gone down in history as one of the greats, a true wonder to behold. It’s the movie that made Arnold a star, and he thankfully provides a commentary as awesome as the movie itself. But, in case you aren’t ready to behold it just yet, we’ve got you covered. So here, by the will of Crom, are all 33 things we learned while listening to the Conan the Barbarian commentary – that is, besides crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentation of their women. That comes later.

This week, Colin Farrell tries to fill Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sizeable shoes in the remake of Total Recall. If you’re not a fan of Farrell or director Len Wiseman, or if you’re just angry about a PG-13 remake of an R-rated film, why not check out Paul Verhoeven’s original? Lionsgate releases the new Blu-ray in the “Mind Bending Edition” this week, which basically means a new edition to sell the week of the remake’s release. But that shouldn’t stop you from visiting a bar in Venusville where you can drink yourself silly while watching this slice of R-rated 90s silliness.