What is Casting Couch? It’s a news roundup that’s solely concerned with actors getting cast in movies. Today we have news about the war against the machines as well as the war against the vampires. In a career move that has to be seen as a huge victory for a man the age of Pierce Brosnan, he has just signed on to play a role that will see him impregnating Jessica Alba. It’s a “passion project,” by his own admission. The news comes from Variety, who reports that Brosnan, Alba, and Kristin Scott Thomas will be the stars of How to Make Love to an Englishman, a romantic comedy from writer Matthew Newman and director Tom Vaughn that casts Brosnan as a Cambridge University professor, Alba as a graduate student, and Thomas as the Alba character’s stepsister, a lady who steps in after the miracle of life occurs in order to knock some heads around and straighten everyone out. Sounds like a situation ripe for creating age-appropriate romance.

What is Casting Couch? It’s a column that has a lot of new casting news today, so settle in. Even after only two movies, the number of aged action stars who have yet to appear in Sylvester Stallone’s Expendables series has dwindled down to a select few. So, given his age, his lengthy resume, and the way he’s linked almost exclusively to the action genre, Jackie Chan has to be seen as one of the biggest fish out there that Stallone has yet to catch. It looks like that’s going to change in The Expendables 3, however, as Chan has told Cinema Online [via Coming Soon] that Stallone has invited him to join the cast of the film, and he has agreed to appear as long as it’s in a featured part and not just a cameo. Looks like we might finally get our chance to see Dolph Lundgren get beat up with a ladder.

What is Casting Couch? It’s just trying to cram its foot into this shoe. Just last week, we learned that Cate Blanchett was likely to be Mark Romanek’s wicked stepmother in the new Cinderella movie that he’s doing for Disney, and now Variety gives us word that the project is closing in on its Cinderella as well. According to the trade, Atonement actress Saoirse Ronan, Anna Karenina actress Alicia Vikander, and The Three Musketeers’ Gabriella Wilde have all been in to see Romanek for screen tests. So, clearly, the sweet spot for getting this role is to have an interesting accent and some period work under your belt. Keira Knightley better watch her back, because it looks like there’s a whole upcoming generation of ladies gunning for her roles.