This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr hit his head and spent the better part of his time wandering around Berlin looking for January Jones. Soon he unlocked the key to his past and realized he was an alien who is hiding among the people of Earth, hunted by big dudes with tattoos and trench coats. Fortunately, he woke up from this terrifying dream to realize the true nightmare… there’s another Big Momma movie with Martin Lawrence and on-screen son Brandon T. Jackson in fat suits. To quote many a movie: “Noooooooooooo!”

The virtual DVD racks on Netflix are littered with hopeful young-adult franchises trying too hard to become the next Harry Potter or Twilight phenomenon. Cirque du Freak? Percy Jackson & the Olympians? The Golden Compass? All based on a popular book series meant to start a whole new franchise… but every single one of them failed at the box-office. Not that that’s stopping the suits in Hollywood from snapping up the rights to even more series (The Hunger Games, Incarceron, etc.), and then bringing them to the screen with attractive teens, mediocre directors, and shitty scripts. Which brings us to I Am Number Four. It seems somewhere out in the cosmos a planet was attacked and decimated by a race of fish people called the Mogadorians. Are they actually fish people? I don’t know, but they do have gills on the face so we’ll go with it. The survivors (known as Loriens) came to Earth hoping to start anew, but the Sea Bass assassins followed and are now hunting them down, killing them, and stealing their jewelry. We’re told there were nine surviving Loriens, all teens, although each has a special guardian assigned to protect them for some unknown purpose that will be revealed at an undisclosed time. Why aren’t the guardians counted among the survivors? Who knows, but maybe it’s because they suck at their job. The killer Carp have already slaughtered teens one through three and have set their sights on number four. Because the only thing the

I am legitimately worried about I Am Number Four star Alex Pettyfer. Of course, he doesn’t need my concern – the 20-year-old star of director D.J. Caruso’s teen alien flick is on the rise, with two movies in the can (Beastly and Andrew Niccol’s Now) and a slew of others in the works. That’s how Hollywood operates: hone in on young talent, put them in a zillion movies and let it ride. The difficult part is the escape plan, transcending above “it” star to full-fledged “actor.” The pretty faces of Twilight are attempting to keep the ball rolling, while Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter may have already escaped the gravitational pull of teen star suckage – but it ain’t easy. This is why I fear for Pettyfer. He has obvious talent, and I Am Number Four occasionally allows him to play with more than his Teen Beat-worthy pouty faces. But if Pettyfer intends to stick around and grow up into something substantial, he’s going to have to learn an important lesson from fallen heartthrobs and by looking to the past.

There are few people that can pull of an introduction like this, but Teresa Palmer (who plays Number Six) does it with style and some futuristic weaponry. After all, there’s nothing like blowing up some high school lockers, killing some enemies, and then making some new friends. This is also our introduction to Number Six and a little bit more of that getting-to-know-you phase for I Am Number Four, the sci-fi action movie that sees Alex Pettyfer starring as the numerically titled lead who is trying to avoid being killed by the dark forces chasing him. Also, he gets to hold Diana Agron’s hand during the running, so that’s a bonus. Check out this clip from the movie in which Palmer gets into a fight (probably over lunch money):

D.J. Caruso is bringing another film (ostensibly in his same brand of lightweight intrigue) to theaters this year, and I Am Number Four has a truly intriguing premise. A young man is hiding his amazing powers for fear of being killed by a mysterious entity. It, on the surface, seems like the movie version of Heroes that everyone was clamoring for (or the movie version of The Tomorrow People if you’re cooler). The movie, stars rising actors Alex Pettyfer, Diana Agron, and Teresa Palmer alongside Timothy Olyphant and fan-favorite character actor Kevin Durand. The twenty new images that just hit our inbox show some brooding, some pensive stares, and a building evaporating in a giant fireball while a young bad ass walks away (without looking back!). Check them out for yourself:

What is Movie News After Dark? This is a question that I am almost never asked, but I will answer it for you anyway. Movie News After Dark is FSR’s newest late-night secretion, a column dedicated to all of the news stories that slip past our daytime editorial staff and make it into my curiously chubby RSS ‘flagged’ box. It will (but is not guaranteed to) include relevant movie news, links to insightful commentary and other film-related shenanigans. I may also throw in a link to something TV-related here or there. It will also serve as my place of record for being both charming and sharp-witted, but most likely I will be neither of the two. I write this shit late at night, what do you expect?

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr sulks his head at not being able to see all the cool stuff that’s going on at Comic-Con 2010, but he knows he’s the lucky one because he was able to see Ramona and Beezus, Suck on that! Oh, and he gets a gander at Angelina Jolie in Salt, which ain’t bad, either.

The television star will be taking off her cheerleader outfit and putting on probably another cheerleader outfit to play a high schooler in the sci-fi flick.

According to the Heat Vision, Sharlto Copley (District 9, The A-Team) is in talks to co-star in Dreamworks’ I Am Number Four.