STFU: The Waiting Isn’t the Hardest Part

Posted by Adam Sweeney (adam@filmschoolrejects.com) on September 11, 2008

In the last episode of WTF, our lovable reject Kevin Carr was taking a stand on the “minor inconvenience” of wasting “20 seconds or so” sitting through blue-screen FBI warnings . Newsflash, Kevin: depending on how fast you read, you probably just spent that same time getting through this introduction.

Kevin, you have an issue with FBI warnings because they consist of material you’re familiar with. “Who can’t recite that warning from heart?” you ask. Following that line of thinking, why experience anything that has happened before? I can just see a conversation with my future wife over dinner.

“Hi honey, how was your day?”

“Well, Adam, my boss got onto–”

“Look, I’ve heard this before. We all know she jumped on your back, she’s banging the mailroom clerk. Blah, blah. Now let’s finish our salad so we can watch the NEW episode of Robo-Dad.”

Somehow I don’t think that’d go over too well. And you know I hate watching Robo-Dad alone.

The irony of the situation is that the majority of the feature presentations you own on DVD are in all likelihood something you have seen before. Why not skip through the expositional scenes and get to the parts of the film we really like? Why watch a classic like The Godfather at all? We all know Don Vito Corleone is going to make an offer he can’t refuse.

In fact, all stories operate under the same basic conflict structures. Should we quit watching films because each one doesn’t reinvent the wheel? Why stop there? I say to hell with getting up in the morning! We all know the sun will come up anyway!

You argue that the time spent watching that horrid blue screen could be better spent watching nine episodes of “Sister, Sister: The Complete Third Season.” Well, Kevin, I think that if you really cared about our national treasures, Tia and Tamera Mowry, you’d fork over 20 seconds to make sure some hoodrat isn’t stealing a dime off their award-worthy sitcom. Somewhere out there, I believe there is a person watching that FBI warning for the first time, and thinking out loud “Do I want to infringe on the rights of my brethren?” If the Feds can reach one person, Kev, they’ve done their job. (Cue Randy Watson’s version of “The Greatest Love of All.”)

Yes, FBI warnings are annoying. Everyone knows that. So why take the easy route and write an article that plays it safe, rehashing what everyone else has thought before? Who can’t recite that gripe from heart? To attack such well worn territory is as criminal, pun intended, as writing a Britney Spears joke for Meet the Spartans 2.

When it comes down to it, everything has been done before. Does this mean we should skip over it? Life’s about the journey, right?

We here at FSR are committed to finding the latest angle and to discuss topics that are novel in nature. Maybe it was a case of you being under the weather, but to essentially shoot a fish in a barrel by griping about FBI warnings is as much of a waste of time as sitting through the warning itself. I think it’s time to grab a bottle of Benadryl, the latest Saved by the Bell DVD, and Shut the Fed Up.

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