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I put off reviewing this for a long time despite having seen it opening weekend. I’m a huge fan of Spider-Man. I have hundreds of the comics. I’m a certifiable expert on the subject of Spider-Man. As such, the third installment felt like a kick in my nuts. And it’s a tough position I’m in because the movie was enjoyable. It’s not a bad film. It just urinates all over one of the coolest aspects of the Spider-Man Universe of all times. I’m talking about the ruination of Venom.

Now if you’ve never really been into the comics, you probably don’t have any love for Venom. You probably think he’s a dumb rip-off of Spider-Man and a toss-away character. Judging from the movie, you’d be right. But the comic version was something epic. The real anti-Spider-Man. The one character who could at any time destroy Peter Parker’s world. The one character who could match him fight for fight and outclass him when it came to kicking ass. By now maybe you’ve got on that this isn’t so much a review as an examination of what went wrong.

In the comics, Eddie Brock was intimidating. He wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t a Parker clone. He never made up photos. He got a bad break on a story and went down for it and blamed Spider-Man. He was a natural blonde, not one with frosted tips. He towered over Parker and lifted weights every day. He was a huge villain. He was the ultimate threat. When the symbiote bonded with him he was an awesome sight, over 6 feet tall and rippling with muscle and power. And when you saw his face, he didn’t have stupid yellow teeth. Eddie Brock never said “I like being bad.” He was a well thought out villain and not a stupid after thought.

Spider-Man 3 ruined Venom. I wish they never tried to do it if they weren’t going to do it right.

I like the Spider-Man movies. I like Sam Raimi. I want the movies to continue. But there are a bunch of things that need to happen for the Spider-Man movies to go on and prosper. Here they are.

1. No more “I love New York Moments.” Granted the first movie came out at a tough time for America and New York in particular so I overlook the first film’s bland “You mess with one New Yorker you mess with all of us.” Then it happened again in the sequel. Then in the third people gathered around and cheered Spider-Man and watched his battles like a TV show. This isn’t from the comics and it’s campy and boring. Part of what made Spider-Man great is that a lot of New Yorkers hated him. And we’ve all been to New York and we know if you mess with one of them nothing happens, in fact, someone will probably help you mess with him. This needs to stop.

2. No more iconic American imagery. Listen, I love America and I love Spider-Man. But Spider-Man is just that. Spider-Man. Not Captain America. Does he really need to keep posing in front of gigantic American flags? I think not. Again, the first time was fine. Now it just seems over-done and out of place. Move on Sam.

3. Get rid of Kirsten Dunst. She’s not that great. Kill her off and replace her with Gwen Stacy in a reversal of the comic. Or, better yet, just recast Mary Jane with the surprisingly hot and attractive Bryce Dallas Howard. I’d be willing to overlook that. Bryce did a great job and looked fantastic. Just pick up part 4 with Bryce as Mary Jane and don’t explain it. We’ll go along.

4. Get better special effects. Seriously, sometimes it looks like a video-game. If Pirates can bring to life a crew of hundreds of fish monsters I’m sure we can do better with one guy in a pair of tights.

5. Do Venom right. Somewhere around part 5 or 6, bring Venom back. Bring him back like in the comics. I will give you this free, Sony. Take a random criminal who was put in jail by Spider-Man. He is a big, muscular thug. A piece of the symbiote escapes from Dr. Connor’s lab. It joins with the criminal. Done. Also at some point he has to say “We are Venom.”

Do those 5 things and you’ll win back the die hard fans and secure yourself another $350 million per picture guarantee.

All in all though, despite how badly real fans were punked by this Venom, Spider-Man 3 wasn’t bad otherwise. If they made Venom some random loser, it would have been a bit better. But as it was, I still liked it a bit, though the sour taste of a ruined Venom storyline will not leave my mouth. Next time, step back, take it a little slower, make it a little tighter and let the villains grow more. And stick to the comics! Also, quit teasing us and just give us Kurt Connors as the Lizard already, but read the comics again first! Really, don’t play it again, Sam. Play something new.