Review: My Bloody Valentine 3D

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on January 16, 2009

Dear Todd Farmer (screenplay), I love you.  Ok, so that’s not entirely fair, because my love is grand.  I’d also like to send out the love to Zane Smith (screenplay), Patrick Lussier (director), and Lionsgate.  Why am I sending out good vibrations?  Because My Bloody Valentine 3D is the kind of horror movie we’ve been waiting for.  It’s a return to the fun slasher being onscreen.  It’s not about ghosts, or shaky cam, or torture.  It’s about seeing awesome kills that make you stand up and cheer.  Ok, well no standing up – but plenty of cheering to be had!

The film wastes no time in getting started – within minutes a man dressed as a miner tears his way through hospital staff and about 20 teenagers.  It was immediately intense, with the pick axe dancing back, forth, and out of the screen.  The 3D element really lends the film to both having depth in image and allowing the filmmakers to play with the audience and shoot a few special shots our way.  The main story picks up 10 years later, on the anniversary of the Valentine’s Day Massacre when Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) returns to the small Pennsylvania town to sell off his families mining operation, a deal that has the locals up in arms against him.  Things immediately go sour to the tune of a mysterious miner massacring anyone with a connection to the mine, and even a few who don’t.  Hanniger’s old beau Sarah (Jamie King) and her new husband, Sheriff Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith) get tangled up and make things interesting via the fact that Tom used to date Sarah and Axel was a friend of his.  Needless to say, things get emotionally awkward in the moments between bloodshed, but can they sort themselves out, survive, and figure out who is picking (heh) their town apart body by body?

So sure, the plot seems simple enough – a fact that works in the film’s favor, and you get exactly what you want, a fun horror film with great, entertaining and bloody kills.  The acting is much of the same, no one is here to win an Oscar, but pretty much everyone does their job well enough.  Megan Boone, who plays Megan (heh), has a set of lungs on her though and delivers some great screams.  The man in the Miner suit also turns in a very intimidating performance, making this guy someone who deserves to stand on the same pedestal as Freddy or Jason or Michael Myers. Also on the acting front, keep an eye out for writer Todd Farmer, who plays Frank the Trucker, in the kind of role every man wishes they could write for themselves.

When it comes down to it, My Bloody Valentine 3D is exciting, bloody fun.  The Real D 3D is always enjoyable, bringing the kills to life and shocking the audience.  There are a few “Hey, this is in 3D!” moments, some of which are awesome, a few of which are cheesy, but the 3D is predominantly a tool for the film rather than a gimmick.  If you’re looking for a fun horror experience, look no further.  I really enjoyed that this movie had some balls behind it.  It was rated R, it had some nudity, and the kills were gross, violent, and bloody, but always with that fun slasher vibe.  Lately, horror has mostly concerned itself with making you squirm with realistic depictions of violence and sadism, when what a lot of fans growing up in the 80s want are fun kills that make you cheer.  Sure, it’s disgusting and bloody, but we want to see over the top and outrageous deaths, kills that get us amped up by what just happened without dragging us down with some strange seriousness.  My Bloody Valentine 3D is a return to form for horror, a resurgence of classic slasher values.

Now, I don’t take notes while in a theater, so it’s almost impossible me for to keep a proper kill count, so I didn’t make this an official Coroner’s Report.  But that doesn’t mean I forgot about what’s important, so here’s a quick break down:

Kills

This movie brings the body bags and spills the blood!  Within the first 15 minutes we’re treated to a handful of kills and we see a lot of badly mutilated bodies.  Totally awesome.  I would estimate the number of kills that we actually see to be at least a dozen, plus with all the aftermath, the movie definitely meets the definition of “massacre.”

Ills

Not only do a lot of people bite the dust, but they do it in grand fashion.  We’re talking tons of pick axe blows to the head, pierced eyes, jaws, bodies, removed hearts, bloody beatings.  Blood splatters everywhere and it splatters often.  There are two totally awesome kills that if I spoiled them, I’d want to pick axe myself for taking away the utter joy they gave me.  If you want kills that make you scream out “Hell yeah!” it’s got them.  If you want kills that make you scream out “Oh no!” they’re there too.

Lust

While only one woman gets naked, she has the decency to get naked and stay naked for like three or four full minutes.  And when I say naked, I mean full frontal butt naked.  Yes, we get a 3D sex scene and 3D boobs.  Win.

Learning

Avoid mines.  The 10th Anniversary of any massacre will inevitably see that same massacre either repeated or outdone, so use your vacation days to get out of Dodge.

Review

If you haven’t guessed it by now, I dug this film.  I’ve always been a big fan of slasher horror rather than ghosts and torture stuff, so this was right in my wheelhouse.  This is the kind of fun horror that will gross out your date and plaster a smile across your face.  The film isn’t perfect, of course, and there are a few bits that don’t quite click, but I’m more than willing to forgive it every time I think of a pick axe penetrating someone’s cranium.

I’m trying hard to think of a big studio released horror movie that I’ve enjoyed more in the last few years and I can’t.  My Bloody Valentine 3D was the most bloody fun I’ve had at the cinema in years.  I talk a lot about how movies shouldn’t aspire to be more than they are and that a film can be perfect for exactly what it is.  Valentine set out to be a fun, popcorn and gore horror film with tons of fun slashings and on that note, My Bloody Valentine kills it.  This is retro slasher fun that we haven’t seen on screen in a long time, so go out and see this one for sure!  And make it in 3D if at all possible.  Though I will say, if you’re not a horror or slasher fan, no slasher film will win you over.  This one is by fans of horror for fans of horror.

Will you see My Bloody Valentine 3D?  If you already have, discuss it below!

Read more articles by Robert Fure