WTF: Valkyrie Dodges a Bullet but Probably Will Still Suck

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com) on June 25, 2008

Tom Cruise and Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg side-by-side

A couple months ago, I saw the theatrical trailer for the upcoming Tom Cruise historical action drama Valkyrie. Even then, it seemed like a joke.

You wouldn’t have expected this if you had pitched this movie five years ago. Making a big-budget movie with one of the most bankable Hollywood stars like Tom Cruise and a golden-boy director like Bryan Singer seemed like a sure-fire hit.

Then there was that whole Scientology/Katie Holmes/jumping-on-the-couch thing with Cruise. And with Singer, well we got Superman Returns. Soon, a sure-fire thing turned into a turd in the making.

Valkyrie has been delayed twice, which is never a good sign. Add to this the fact that audiences pretty much laugh at the lead Nazi conspirator sounding like he comes from Syracuse rather than Germany, and the movie is looking to be a disaster.

And, of course, you have Valkyrie being the second attempt for the quickly deteriorating United Artists to re-brand itself, after the disastrous snoozefest that was Lions for Lambs. Mary Pickford, Charles Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks, and D. W. Griffith are collectively turning over in their graves, I’m sure.

But the latest PR maelstrom from Valkyrie has really made me say… What the fuck?

It seems that a while back, UA releases side-by-side photos of Tom Cruise and Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg (the character he plays in the film), remarking how similar the actor looks to the subject. A few weeks ago, Slate.com ran a story about how UA doctored the photo to look more like Tom Cruise.

After some back-and-forth, the Associated Press investigated and determined that UA did not doctor the photo.

The bottom line is who cares? Just because a star looks somewhat similar to the real-life character he plays, the movie isn’t assured to be any good. Actor Harry Lennix is a dead ringer for Barack Obama, but casting him in a biopic might be disastrous. (And check out Oliver Stone’s record. He’s got a lot of people looking like a lot of other people, and we all know that W is going to be a huge stinker.)

Even though Valkyrie dodged a PR bullet by avoiding a doctored photo scandal, it doesn’t mean the movie’s going to be any good.

To quote my buddy David Medzker from Bullz-Eye.com: “Just make better movies!”

Which celebrities look most like historical figures?