Unfinished Steamers: Ten Films That Didn’t Live Up To Their Own Run Time

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on June 24, 2007

They’re so bad you can’t make it to the end. I’m talking about walking out of the theater–not merely ejecting the DVD or changing the channel. Or, in some cases, a movie is so boring it inspires nothing more than a very relaxing nap. (I do not find movie theaters overly-comfortable, so I have to be pretty damned bored to nap for long.)

What follows is a list of films that were so god awful or unendurable, I had to leave the theater (either physically or in my dreams) long before seeing the end credits. They are ranked in order from “this movie sucked” to “ZOMG! I gotz puke boogurs!”

THE RULES: These are all movies that I was unable to watch completely while at a theater at the time of the film’s initial release.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

I fell asleep somewhere in the middle, awoke briefly to see a bunch of zombie pirates walking underwater. Then I fell asleep again. I awoke just in time to see one of the most annoyingly cheezy happy endings of all time.

In my opinion, the only redeeming quality of this movie is Johnny Depp. He’s pretty damned awesome doing his thing as Jack Sparrow. But Legolas is boring. Keira Knightley is boring. The guy playing Keira Knightley’s father is doing some hammy-ass dinner theater acting that alternately bores me and grates on my nerves. The swordfights are boring. (You think you’re seeing exciting swordplay in this film? You need to watch The Princess Bride again and see what really exciting swordplay is all about.)

Heh-heh. I said “swordplay.”

By the way, how does a zombie pirate speak, forming “m” and “p” sounds, without lips?

I know, I know–it’s nitpicking. But it bothers me.

I think the second movie got off on the right foot with me because the first thing that film does is make the main characters pay a price for the all-too-pat ending that wrapped this slab of maggot-ridden pig fat.

9. Die Hard Part 2: Die Harder

Bruce Willis looked at the camera and asked, “How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?”

I replied, “I’m outta here.”

Most pointless sequel ever. Die Hard with a Vengeance was pretty good, though. Then again, is there any movie that can’t be made a little better by simply adding a dash of Samuel L. Jackson?

8. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I missed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets at the theaters. I saw them on DVD and, as a non-reader of the books, I feel it is my duty to inform the world that the first two “films” in this series are not movies. Trying too hard to hit every single event as they occur in the books (according to what I’ve been told by Harry Potter readers), they come off as glorified Power Point presentations.

Horrible. I really believe Sorcerer’s Stone is one of the worst excuses for a movie I’ve ever seen.

But when I took my son to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I was pleasantly surprised. This was not only a real movie, it was a good one. I give all the credit for that to director Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men).

So I went into Goblet of Fire thinking maybe this series was on track.

I was wrong. Without Cuaron at the helm, it was back to the Power Point days. I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the film. I awoke just as the end credits were rolling. I haven’t revisited it since.

7. Underworld

I have never been so disappointed in a movie in my life. I mean, vampires versus werewolves in an epic, centuries-long struggle? How can you screw that up?

After a neat opening bit, the cool blues (Christ, does the whole movie have to be blue?) lulled me into the most refreshing nap I’ve ever had in a movie theater. I left thinking they should use it as therapy for people with sleep disorders.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, loved the film. And, since acquiring the unrated cut on DVD, I have grown to like it myself. But that first experience at the theater was brutal. I haven’t been that bored since seeing the original Star Trek: The Motion Picture (which appears further down in the list).

6. The DaVinci Code

My son was eleven when this was released at the theaters, and he wanted to see it. Personally, I’d just about had my fill of the DaVinci nonsense by the time this crumbly, defacatory pile hit theaters. I told my son it was bound to suck. But he was insistent.

We sacrifice for our kids, right?

Truth be told, I was prepared to be surprised. I knew it was going to be a dumbass story, but some of my favorite movies of all time have totally dumbass stories.

The DaVinci Code is a story for “Believers.” Either you believe and The DaVinci Code offends you to no end, or you believe and you see The DaVinci Code as a way of expanding your horizons. If you’re a non-believer (like me), then the story doesn’t hold much sway.

But I do like Tom Hanks. And in the past I have found things to admire about Ron Howard’s style of filmmaking. And of course, how can you not give a little credit to a movie that films the Louvre so spectacularly?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I was gone within the first half hour. When I awoke, Tom Hanks was being chased by someone for some reason I totally didn’t care about. I looked over and my son was sawing logs, himself. I woke him up.

“Can we go home?” he asked.

“Gladly.”

Walking out of the theater, my son asked, “Can you get a refund when a movie’s that boring?”

5. Dead Again

Ah, Kenneth Branaugh. You made Shakespeare look easy. And then you turned your talents to making a modern-day Hitchcockian thriller.

And it was hilarious!

This is the only film that I had to leave the theater solely because I was laughing so loud I was getting dirty looks from my fellow theatergoers. I mean, this is a bad movie. But, really, it’s bad in the best way. It’s laughably bad. The fact that it got positive reviews at the time of its release absolutely astounds me. I regret having never seen the last ten minutes of this film, because I’m sure they were ten minutes of teh funneh.

4. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Star Trek was my favorite television show of all time when I lined up to see this second cousin to Logan’s Run (except without the excitement) at my local theater. Who the hell thought an audience would want to watch a bunch of guys sitting around watching a viewscreen for over an hour?

Proof that Gene Rodenberry is overrated. After this film, he was kicked upstairs (before being “kicked upstairs” in the metaphysical sense) to have as little input as possible for the subsequent movies, all of which were better than this.

Fell dead asleep while the Enterprise crew were staring at a viewscreen. Woke up thirty some-odd minutes later and they were still staring at a viewscreen. Fell asleep again. Woke up just in time for the credits.

3. The Matrix

Obviously, this is not a bad film. But I wasn’t too impressed when I saw it at the theater for the first time. The idea of living in a virtual world and being wholly unaware of it is not a new one to anybody versed in the science fiction stories of Philip K. Dick and other writers (who have explored the theme since the sixties). And, of course, philosophers have been pondering the core concept since the Bronze Age. So that rush you’re supposed to get when you find out Neo’s been living in a technologically-induced dream reality? For me, it was sort of like… feh.

I found the film marginally entertaining, but toward the end it seemed like it was headed up for a prolonged chase/kung fu climax. I suppose I wasn’t in the mood that day. So after Neo and Agent Smith had their fight in the train station, I took a walk.

I wrote The Matrix off as “sci-fi lite” at that point–marginalizing it with films like Total Recall and Terminator 2. These are films with a sugary sci-fi center, surrounded by a layer of insubstantial trans fat-filled “action” cake. And even the sugary center doesn’t quite satisfy like a tasty sci-fi filet mignon of the Blade Runner variety.

I have subsequently come to regard the film quite highly since its release on DVD. (Admittedly, had I known the Wachowski’s were going to end the film with some hard-funkin’ Rage Against the Machine, I would have stuck around the first time.) The film has grown on me so much, in fact, I’m one of the few people who really likes both the sequels. (More on that some time in the future when I write an article called “Why the Matrix Trilogy Doesn’t Suck.”)

2.The Lion King

How do I hate this movie? Let me count the ways.

First, let’s get the “asshole” points out of the way. (These are the problems with the film that I point out knowing full well I’m being an asshole.)

If I’m a gazelle, I’m sure as shit not going to be bowing down to the animal who, at some point, is probably going to eat me. And I sure as hell don’t care that said animal has now produced a spawn to carry on his campaign of terrorizing me and my kind by ripping the flesh from our bones and devouring it in orgiastic pleasure. If I am bowing down, it’s only out of oppression. (Better, as the kid says in Blade II, to be a pet than to be cattle.)

Next: Elton John, please die. I mean, really, just lay down and be dead because it’s over. Can you please feel the cancer tonight? Thank you.

But The Lion King suffers from far more serious maladies than these. And it is certainly not a film you should be showing to your kids. Here’s why:

Americans have a serious problem. We think violence resolves conflict. It doesn’t. Admittedly, I watch and enjoy an awful lot of movies where violence is portrayed as the only solution. But I’m not a little kid. I can enjoy those movies and still know better.

Let’s take Vietnam as an example. People like George W. Bush still sting over the fact that we “cut and run” in Vietnam. They believe we should have stayed there and kept fighting.

Let me tell you, if we had done that, we would still be there. John McCain would right now be doing his “straight talking” hung upside down with clamps on his testicles in a Vietnamese POW camp. The body bags would still be flying in every day.

Instead, we left. There was a surge in violence, but then the Vietnamese sat down and worked it out. And where are we now with Vietnam? The country is a tourist attraction and a trade partner.

Let’s go back even further. Did we solve the world’s problems by storming the beach in Normandy? Did we create a peaceful, prosperous Europe when we cornered Hitler in his bunker, leading him to commit suicide? No. It was the Marshall Plan that brought peace to the world and created the Europe we know today.

The Lion King gives us smart characters that we care about and then, when it comes to defeating Scar, suddenly these guys can’t think of anything better to do but simply go beat everybody up. This is the stuff that Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers episodes are made of. Nobody’s using their wit to overcome obstacles. Our protagonists are reduced to nothing more than mindless grunts.

And let’s not forget that the whole story is a lazy setup in the first place. As soon as we see Simba’s father, we all know he’s going to die. They might as well have called him “Deadmeat” and had his pen run out of ink while signing his life insurance policy just before having him fall to his death in that ravine.

The Lion King is a lazy film with lazy storytelling leading to a lazy, pointless, boring ending. I left just before Simba was to face off with Scar because I totally didn’t give a shit. The fact that this is the most successful Disney movie in the history of the studio only shows that we, as Americans, have got to work on eradicating our “violence is the answer” mentality.

I’ll bet George W. Bush is a big fan of this movie.

And, actually, besides all that… really… the god damn music in this movie–Holy Mother of Chewing Tobacco, please kill me before I have to endure a single chorus of “The Circle of Life.” There’s only one movie ever made with worse music than this one. And that’s…

1. Top Gun

I am not homophobic. I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain. I enjoyed Kiss of the Spider Woman.

But I am totally skeeved by gay movies that don’t know they are gay. And Top Gun has got to be the gayest movie ever (or a very close second to the Joel Schumacher Batman movies, but those movies are at least semi-aware of their gayness).

There’s a guy I work with who is the most homophobic person I’ve ever met. He’s the sort of person who believes it should be one-hundred percent legal to assault gay people for showing public affection. However, he has told me on many occasions about all of the 1940’s pinup girls that decorate the walls of his apartment. He’s also a huge John Wayne fan. And he refuses to accept the fact that John Wayne is the poster boy for self-hating gay men all over the planet.

Really. That walk John Wayne does?

Suh-wish!

But the proof is in the pudding. We tend to attack with greatest ferocity the traits in others that we most closely identify as flaws within ourselves. The preacher who can’t get enough pornography will be the one giving the highest quotient of hell and brimstone in his sermons to the pornographers.

John Wayne attacked homosexuality whenever he had an opportunity. He labeled it the greatest danger to our “American way of life.” What he meant to say was, “I’m gay and I don’t want to admit it, so I hate gays.”

Well, John Wayne would have loved Top Gun. And it’s not a bit surprising that the co-worker I spoke of earlier lists Top Gun as one of his favorite war movies. That’s right–war movie. Forget that it’s not a “war” movie at all. In this context, he says “war” when he means “hot, half-naked dudes engaging in latently homoerotic activities.” He’s also a big fan of the film 300.

Tell me this dude’s not gay.

Putting all that aside, I can proudly say that I hated Tom Cruise long before hating Tom Cruise was cool. Nevertheless, I stuck with the movie far longer than I should have. As soon as I heard Kenny Loggins singing “Highway to the Danger Zone” (has there ever been a worse song written–ever?), I should have been out the door.

But I stuck with it up until Tom Cruise switched off his targeting computer while making his final approach through the Death Star Trench, and then I was outta there. I haven’t revisited this piece of crap since. And I’m proud to say it.

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