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Not too long ago, the Fat Guys at the Movies offered our list of the ten best remakes in our lifetimes. There was plenty of debate on those films, and we still have the scars to prove it.

Now, in the wake of the Halloween remake debacle, we have reached a breaking point with horror movie remakes. Sure, sometimes they are good flicks. Sadly, most of the time they suck worse than Lindsay Lohan’s latest career choice.

In our own special way, we are telling Hollywood to please stop ruining the great horror movies of the past. Here is our pick for the ten worst horror movie remakes. Just to note… to make the list, the original film must have been made for the American cinema and had to have had a major theatrical release.

Flame on!

10. The Haunting (1999)

No, we didn’t pick this one just because Owen Wilson was decapitated in it. It was truly a bad film. Directed by Speed II: Cruise Control auteur Jan de Bont, he managed to take one of the most suspenseful ghost stories and turn it into a CGI nightmare.

9. Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein (1994)

The book “Frankenstein” is a favorite of Fat Guy Kevin Carr, which is why he was so distraught when Kenneth Branagh took a symbolic crap over the story. Featuring over-the-top grotesque effects, homewrecker Helena Bonham Carter and a lot of Branagh gyrating with his shirt off, we lost another chance at a faithful adaptation.

8. Body Snatchers (1993) and The Invasion (2007)

Not only did these films not live up to the original 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but they pale in comparison to the 1978 remake. Their biggest mistake: pussing out and going for the happy ending.

7. The Fog (2005)

John Carpenter gets shafted two years before the Halloween remake with this wishy-washy rendition of his 1980 thriller. Superboy and the chick from Lost just couldn’t pull it off.

6. The Amityville Horror (2005)

It’s not that the 1979 movie was untouchable, but the ridiculous choice of Ryan Reynolds as the brooding hero was a disaster waiting to happen. His seriously evil lines were laughable. That’s what you get when you send Van Wilder to do the job of Mr. Barbra Streisand.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Cinematic punk Michael Bay decided to remake this film because the title was so cool. (That’s true… look it up in the press kit.) What a dumbass. Yeah, it made money, and it was nice to watch Jessica Biel strut around in a tight tank top. But the on-screen violence and gore couldn’t stand up to the visceral terror of Tobe Hooper’s original film.

4. Black Christmas (2006)

Although it’s remembered as a classic, the original Black Christmas was only so-so. But the remake sucked enough to make the top five. With a cast of young hotties, there wasn’t nearly enough skin, and the cartoony violence didn’t work at all… even for a slasher film.

3. Halloween (2007)

Rob Zombie follows up his impressive The Devil’s Rejects with this raping of a genre classic. Too much MTV flash and not enough suspense killed the movie from the start. And we didn’t even get to see Sheri Moon topless.

2. House of Wax (2005)

You’d think a film that featured the death of Paris Hilton would have been awesome. Not so. If only it was 90 minutes of someone taking the screws to the heiress. Alas, we got a stinking heap of crap that didn’t even begin to resemble the classic 1953 thriller.

1. Psycho (1998)

Gus Van Sant may make some decent films, but the idea to remake Hitchcock’s classic from the original shooting script was a bonehead move. Then, he put the haggard Anne Heche in the sexy role of Marian Crane (which was originally brought to life by Janet Leigh). I never thought I’d find an actress in Hollywood that I no longer wanted to see naked. To make things worse, Van Sant followed up by directing a Hanson video. Oy vey!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Day of the Dead (2007), Yeah, we’re breaking the rules on this direct-to-DVD remake, but it sooooo deserved it. We should have been warned when the box said, “From the makers of Creepshow III!”

The Wicker Man (2006), Nicolas Cage trying to track down a kidnapped girl in a psychotic matrilineal society. How could it go wrong? Watch the movie, and find out.