Commentary Track
The Ten Worst Horror Remakes of All-Time
Posted by Fat Guys at the Movies (fatguys@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 31, 2007
Not too long ago, the Fat Guys at the Movies offered our list of the ten best remakes in our lifetimes. There was plenty of debate on those films, and we still have the scars to prove it.
Now, in the wake of the Halloween remake debacle, we have reached a breaking point with horror movie remakes. Sure, sometimes they are good flicks. Sadly, most of the time they suck worse than Lindsay Lohan’s latest career choice.
In our own special way, we are telling Hollywood to please stop ruining the great horror movies of the past. Here is our pick for the ten worst horror movie remakes. Just to note… to make the list, the original film must have been made for the American cinema and had to have had a major theatrical release.
Flame on!
10. The Haunting (1999)
No, we didn’t pick this one just because Owen Wilson was decapitated in it. It was truly a bad film. Directed by Speed II: Cruise Control auteur Jan de Bont, he managed to take one of the most suspenseful ghost stories and turn it into a CGI nightmare.
9. Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein (1994)
The book “Frankenstein†is a favorite of Fat Guy Kevin Carr, which is why he was so distraught when Kenneth Branagh took a symbolic crap over the story. Featuring over-the-top grotesque effects, homewrecker Helena Bonham Carter and a lot of Branagh gyrating with his shirt off, we lost another chance at a faithful adaptation.
8. Body Snatchers (1993) and The Invasion (2007)
Not only did these films not live up to the original 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but they pale in comparison to the 1978 remake. Their biggest mistake: pussing out and going for the happy ending.
7. The Fog (2005)
John Carpenter gets shafted two years before the Halloween remake with this wishy-washy rendition of his 1980 thriller. Superboy and the chick from Lost just couldn’t pull it off.
6. The Amityville Horror (2005)
It’s not that the 1979 movie was untouchable, but the ridiculous choice of Ryan Reynolds as the brooding hero was a disaster waiting to happen. His seriously evil lines were laughable. That’s what you get when you send Van Wilder to do the job of Mr. Barbra Streisand.
5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Cinematic punk Michael Bay decided to remake this film because the title was so cool. (That’s true… look it up in the press kit.) What a dumbass. Yeah, it made money, and it was nice to watch Jessica Biel strut around in a tight tank top. But the on-screen violence and gore couldn’t stand up to the visceral terror of Tobe Hooper’s original film.
4. Black Christmas (2006)
Although it’s remembered as a classic, the original Black Christmas was only so-so. But the remake sucked enough to make the top five. With a cast of young hotties, there wasn’t nearly enough skin, and the cartoony violence didn’t work at all… even for a slasher film.
3. Halloween (2007)
Rob Zombie follows up his impressive The Devil’s Rejects with this raping of a genre classic. Too much MTV flash and not enough suspense killed the movie from the start. And we didn’t even get to see Sheri Moon topless.
2. House of Wax (2005)
You’d think a film that featured the death of Paris Hilton would have been awesome. Not so. If only it was 90 minutes of someone taking the screws to the heiress. Alas, we got a stinking heap of crap that didn’t even begin to resemble the classic 1953 thriller.
1. Psycho (1998)
Gus Van Sant may make some decent films, but the idea to remake Hitchcock’s classic from the original shooting script was a bonehead move. Then, he put the haggard Anne Heche in the sexy role of Marian Crane (which was originally brought to life by Janet Leigh). I never thought I’d find an actress in Hollywood that I no longer wanted to see naked. To make things worse, Van Sant followed up by directing a Hanson video. Oy vey!
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Day of the Dead (2007), Yeah, we’re breaking the rules on this direct-to-DVD remake, but it sooooo deserved it. We should have been warned when the box said, “From the makers of Creepshow III!â€
The Wicker Man (2006), Nicolas Cage trying to track down a kidnapped girl in a psychotic matrilineal society. How could it go wrong? Watch the movie, and find out.
Read more articles by Fat Guys at the Movies
8 Comments
August 31st, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Great list but I have a bone to pick about one of the comments.
“Although it’s remembered as a classic, the original Black Christmas was only so-so.”
When was the last time you guys watched this? I think it may be time for a revisit. True, it’s not as scary as some of the other horror flicks from the 70’s but Bob Clark’s film is chalk full of greatness. And who can forget the POV camera work that his crew pioneered? Definitely worth a second + look.
August 31st, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Okay, maybe I was a little hard on Black Christmas. I actually saw it last year at an all-night movie marathon. Still a decent flick, but not to the level of classics like the original Halloween or Psycho.
I’d put it along the lines of the original Amityville Horror or Friday the 13th.
Of course, that might sound more offensive… ;-)
August 31st, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Well, you’re treading on shaky ground there but I’ll let it pass… :)
I’m one of the few that actually liked “Black Christmas” more than “Halloween”.
August 31st, 2007 at 7:05 pm
It’s quite telling that most of the films on this list are from the last 3-4 years. The recent succession of terrible films has NOT been a figment of our collective imagination.
http://www.therecshow.com
September 1st, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I enjoy Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, and am seeing Halloween tonight so will be able to say more then. I also think Ryan Reynolds did a good job in TAH. And the original, by any standard, is not that good of a movie.
The Fog deserves to be on this list, as does Black X-Mas and most of the others. But are we ignoring Japanese to American remakes? Because Pulse was utterly horrendous. House on Haunted Hill wasn’t good. When a Stranger Calls was balls.
This is a tough list to make, considering how much crap is sitting out there, but I heartily disagree with Texas Chainsaw and Amityville, and hopefully Halloween come tonight or I’ve wasted $13.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:01 am
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December 30th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
ok I agree with the haunting being up there for sure. It was wayy to boring. but i actually likes black christmas. The origonal was great but there was no story. I remember the phone call scene the killer mentioned “billy what have you done wheres agnes” i didnt get it until i saw the remake. The ending was a shock. I dont wanna give it away but ya, it gave a story line. The bad side of it though was that most of the girls were interchangeable. Like everytime someone said wheres clair i said whose clair again? I liked House of wax just because its creepy. Common people when you watch horror movies your supposed to put yourselves in the shoes of the character. If you were being terroized by two brothers in a town made of just wax i would be pissing my pants, and if i was being chased by a phsyco who caries a chainsaw and your out in the middle of nowhere. I would be shi.. you know what my pants. I cant talk for Halloween because i havn’t seen it, and i just think hitchcock’s films should not be remade. OH and i wish people would shut up about the whole japanese remakes. Its not a big deal, and everyone is like ” OH IT SUCKED WORST MOVIE EVER!!!” buuut, The Grudge, and the Ring were VERY succesful. Ok thats all thanks =]
January 6th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I agree with this list overall. But where’s the unbelievably $hitty Omen remake(you know, 6-6-06)? That was almost as pointlessly scene by scene as Van Sant’s Psycho.