The Real Awards
Posted by Maggie Van Ostrand (maggie@filmschoolrejects.com) on March 15, 2007
The Hollywood backslapping awards all have been given out. Or have they? What about the awards that really matter?
The Joan Rivers — to Katie Couric whose face is getting so tight, her eyes have begun to slant.
The Rockefeller — to Tom Cruise for buying his own studio because his old studio wouldn’t give him a raise.
The Pipe Cleaner Award — to Paris Hilton’s legs.
The There’s-a-Ferret-on-Your-Head Award — to the hair of 60 Minutes’ Leslie Stahl.
The W.C. Fields — to Lindsay Lohan’s special celeb in-house privileges which evacuated Wonderland Rehab of “ordinary” resident drunks.
The Ashton Kutcher — to younger men with older women who don’t complain when the guy admits he never heard of the Beatles.
The Rodney Dangerfield — to George W. Bush for getting no respect.
The Titanic Award — To Mel Gibson’s career
The Abu Ghraib — to Jack Bauer for torturing terrorists so creatively that they formed a 24 Fan Club
The Sigmund Freud — to Kramer, who needs psychiatric help even more than Michael Jackson.
The Mike Tyson — to Ryan O’Neal for the smackdown of his own son.
The Seabiscuit Award — to Rocky Balboa for finally crossing the finish line.
The Jiffyhab — to Britney Spears for her drive-thru pass at sobriety. Britney’s speed feat beats out Lindsay Lohan’s because Britney removed Kevin Federline first and all her hair second.
The Oddest Celeb Award — to Barbara Walters for actually asking a Hamas suicide bomber in prison, “So you’re saying all you want to do is kill Jews? Haven’t you wanted to get married?” and topped that with her next question, “If you had succeeded in your suicide mission and been killed, where would you be today?”
And lastly: The I-Can’t-Believe-Anyone-Could-Say-Such-a-Dumb-Thing Award to California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger for uttering the immortal words, “I think gay marriages should be between a man and a woman.”
In closing, kindly remember what an anonymous pundit said about these awards: “For people who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.”
Read more articles by Maggie Van Ostrand
