The Michael Bay Cliche

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on July 8, 2007

I suppose by now it’s just plain old hat to bash Michael Bay as a film director. So I thought I would dial it up a bit and bash Michael Bay as a human being.

I propose that one views the soul of an artist through his or her art. If this is true, then Michael Bay has no soul. The validity of the argument is obvious.

Ah! But is Transformers art?

No, you might say. It is mindless summer entertainment. And, before we proceed any further, let me say that it is as entertaining as it is dumb.

But you are wrong if you believe it is not art. All film is art, just as all painting is art. If Picasso made art, then the guy who painted “Dogs Playing Poker” did likewise. Bad art doesn’t disqualify itself from the category. It just sucks.

My biggest problem with Transformers is that it was made in the first place. I’m also not happy that Steven Spielberg jumped on board, likely enabling Michael Bay to make his first half way decent movie. The man who defecated on the graves of the soldiers who died at Pearl Harbor just plain doesn’t deserve it. Arrogant, self-obsessed, and as dumb as a well-tanned rock, there is no better candidate for the title “former film director” than Bay.

If you want to get an idea of what an idiot Bay is, rent (God, don’t buy) The Island and listen to his commentary. (You can get a taste of it from The AV Club’s Commentaries of the Damned section here.) If you can listen to that man talk for two hours about how awesome and misunderstood he is, and not come to believe that he is the most non-human being on the face of the planet, then I can recommend Transformers wholeheartedly. Otherwise, at best you’re going to find yourself highly conflicted. Because Transformers is not a horrible movie. I wasn’t bored and I wasn’t so aggravated that I had to leave the theater (thereby helping the film avoid the Unfinished Steamer fate).

The fact is, though, as competent as Transformers may be, all of the crap that makes Michael Bay suck so terribly is present in this film. The dumbass editing, the long lenses shooting militaristic silhouettes against the sunset (it’s always sunset somewhere in Michael Bay’s world), the big explosions followed by the slow motion reaction shots (again with the long lenses and the sunset and please just kill me). Don’t even get me started on the racial stereotypes, the jitter-cam, the fetishistic portrayal of heavy weaponry, the lazy use of close-ups, the ridiculously elaborate sets, and the mindset that the only time less is more is if by “less” you mean “more explosions.” Above all, let’s not forget Bay’s holy sacrament of product placement, product placement, product placement.

So even though I was marginally entertained by this film, I can’t grade it higher than a “D.” That would just be wrong. Michael Bay has wrought too much evil in the world of film. There are actually students of the craft coming up today who are trying to copy the Michael Bay template. We have to stop it. We all have to do our part to put Michael Bay’s ass out of a job.

And if you’re out there clasping your hands, praying this movie makes its money because you want to see a successful Transformers franchise? I mean… really. Get a life. This is a movie based on a bad Saturday morning cartoon that was based on a toy, for crying out loud! There’s just something innately wrong about going to see a film and reading a credit that proclaims, “Based on characters created by Hasbro.”

What the hell is wrong with my generation? Why are we so eager to embrace cynical marketing ploys as beloved symbols of our childhood? Did we learn nothing after George Lucas made fools of us with his prequel craptacular? (”The fact is, Star Wars fans will pretty much pay to see anything I poop up on the screen.” Actual George Lucas quote. I swear.)

Maybe I was too old by the time Transformers came along on Saturday mornings. I remember seeing it and saying to myself, “That’s got to be the worst animation since He-Man.” Do you really care how the Autobots are going to adjust to their new life on planet Earth? I mean–really? If you do, please get laid as soon as possible. Pay a hooker, for Christ’s sake.

Most of all, is this what we want our premier American art form to be? One big commercial for children’s toys? A testament to materialistic consumerism? Yet another way to convince our children that life is all about acquiring stuff?

Let us please stop the madness. Don’t see this film. If you absolutely must see it, steal it from a P2P network or something. Whatever you do, don’t use your dollars to vote Michael Bay into making another movie. If we all stop seeing his garbage, he’ll have to stop making it eventually.

Remember Pearl Harbor, people.

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