The Five Worst Scenes from a Comic Book Movie

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 9, 2007

Why the worst scenes?

There are an awful lot of lists out there arguing what’s the best or worst comic book movie. I wanted to get a little more specific and talk about what happens when these films get a single scene right–or when they go horribly wrong. Soon I will list what I think are the best. But today, I would like to give my thoughts on what I believe are the worst. Because even some of the best comic book movies have moments that make you groan.

The Rules:

1. One scene per movie. Otherwise, this list would consist of scenes from only one film.

2. Superhero movies only. Rottentomatoes has a list of the top 100 best reviewed comic book movies of all time, but about half of those come from obscure so-called “graphic novels.” I’m not interested in that here.

What makes for a WORST scene?

It induces cringes. It compels you to bury your face in your hands, or makes you embarrassed to be watching the film. You find yourself wondering, “Holy crap, do I not have a life that I’m watching this shite?”

Other Caveats and Mea Culpas:

Quotes? Exact quotes? I think not. I’m not a film historian. I’m just a guy geeking out on some superhero flicks. So if my film quotes aren’t exact, send a note to Roger Ebert. He misquotes films all the time in his reviews. And he gets paid for it. I’m presuming anyone reading this list has seen all of these films, but just in case you haven’t, be aware that spoilers abound. Without further adieu (and I apologize for all the excess adieu), here’s the list. Today, it’s all the worst, with the best to follow soon…

The Five Worst Scenes from a Comic Book Movie

5. Superman consults with his mother in SUPERMAN II (The Richard Lester cut)

At the beginning of SUPERMAN II, the Man of Steel throws a nuclear bomb into outer space and it explodes in near proximity to a mirrored, 2D prison (something called the Phantom Zone) inhabited by a trio of Krypton criminals. The bomb explodes, shattering the prison, and the nasty Krypton dudes escape. After falling to Earth, they find themselves imbued with the same superpowers as Superman. They decide to take over the planet, killing anyone who gets in their way and blah, blah, blah.

About halfway through the film, Superman goes to his fortress of solitude and calls up a hologram of his mother in his crystal memory thingy. He has questions about these criminals, and he asks his holographic mother if there’s any way these three could have escaped. His mother tells him that the prison is inescapable, but then adds, “Perhaps, a nuclear explosion in space, would be enough [to destroy the prison].”

Superman shuffles his feet and says sheepishly, “Well, that… that could never… uh… happen. Phew. Okay, my mind is at ease! Thanks Mom! See ya later!”

This, friends, is what we call “lazy writing.” The dialogue here is all exposition, meaning that it only exists so that Superman can obtain information he couldn’t get otherwise. Good writers can at least camouflage this stuff somewhat. And it’s bad enough when a character is only saying expository lines for the benefit of the audience, but this ham-fisted bit of dialogue is meant to give information to our lead protagonist. The result is that everyone comes off looking stupid.

4. Ninjas v. Blade in BLADE II

A pair of ninjas wearing night vision goggles infiltrate Blade’s secret hideout. A fight between Blade and the ninjas ensues. At first, everything is okay. But then our flesh and blood actors are replaced by CG marionette puppets. The battle that ensues is neither convincing nor engaging.

Then, to make matters worse, after the fight has dragged on for far too long, one of the ninjas suddenly yells, “Stop!” and informs everybody that they have come in peace. They are vampire ninjas, you see, and they want to recruit Blade to help them combat a menacing creature threatening both humans and vampires.

What? Hey, how about announcing your peaceful intentions before the sword fight, hrm? I mean… dude. Give peace a chance, you know?

All in all, I think BLADE II is a great movie. But this scene really pings my cringe-o-meter.

3. “Hello, Batcave!” from Tim Burton’s BATMAN

Dishonorable Mention: “I’ve seen a lot in this house, Harry.” SPIDER-MAN 3

So, after one night of drunken abandon, Bruce Wayne and Vicky Vale have had a falling out. Bruce is unavailable. He doesn’t share. He sits in his batcave all day and broods. And yes, he’s been avoiding Vicky. This has her all confused and heartbroken. But dammit, the man has work to do.

Thank God for meddling butlers or love simply wouldn’t have a chance!

Sitting in his batcave, alone and brooding (as he is wont to do), Bruce Wayne runs tape comparing a picture of his parents’ killer with a picture of the Joker. Yup. Same guy. Of course, we knew that already, and, really, Bruce should know it by now. But he needed a little extra convincing. Or maybe the producers thought the audience was really stupid and we would need the extra convincing. Either way, the scene already comes off as phony.

But then it gets worse. We hear butler Alfred say, “A visitor for you sir.”

Bruce turns around, and there’s Vicky!

In the batcave!

Vicky… is in… the friggin’ batcave!

Wow. Terrible. I mean, revealing your lead protagonist as a superhero to a hot blonde is something that any hack writer could do interestingly. Whoever wrote this scene must have done it while wearing sweat pants, because he just totally gave up.

Oh, and Alfred? You are so friggin’ fired…

On the opposite end of the meddling butler scale, we have Bernard, Harry Osborne’s trusted valet in SPIDER-MAN 3 (also appearing in the prequels) who keeps his mouth shut for two and three quarters movies before finally giving Harry the lowdown about his psycho father. Hey, Bernard, maybe the time to spill the beans was before Harry started on his vendetta against Spider Man and got half his face mutilated for it? Hm?

2. T and A in BATMAN FOREVER

In the third Batman film, the caped crusader finally extends his hand to his young ward and makes him a partner. Fortunately, Alfred has already taken the liberty of fashioning a Robin suit (again poking his nose where it doesn’t belong, if you ask me). And with Gotham City in imminent peril, it’s time for the pair to suit up.

This is where Joel Schumacher, one of the worst filmmakers of all time (more on that later), has his “Hello ‘Frisco” moment.

First of all, both new suits have nipples, which is just like saying, “Batman! He’s as gay as I want him to be!” The only thing more useless than actual, real-life man nipples, after all, are man nipples on a friggin’ bat suit.

Now, how do I describe the “suiting up” montage that comes next without sounding totally homophobic?

Erm… nope, can’t do it.

So we get the rubber gloves being pulled on, followed way too closely by shots of tight butts in rubber, and then the capes come down to cover the dynamic duo’s shame.

Look, if you’re going to add Robin to the Batman equation, you have to walk a thin line. Because the idea of a grown man taking in a teenage ward and then ferrying him about town in a rubber suit is very, very gay. Pointless rubber representations of vestigious nipples, followed closely by gratuitous butt shots, don’t help.

I hated BATMAN FOREVER… a lot. And it wasn’t because of its gayness. (Even though it is a titanically gay movie–and when I say I’m not homophobic, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to trust that I’m telling the truth.) I hated the movie because it was so maddeningly insubstantial, just as most–no all of Joel Schumacher’s films are nothing more than wisps of air.

That air goes foul pretty quickly. And that leads us to…

1. Any scene from BATMAN AND ROBIN

This was Schumacher’s second outing in the Batman franchise–the one that almost put the final nail in the series’ coffin. I defy you to find a scene in this movie that doesn’t suck. Even sequences that might be competently written are inevitably spoiled by Schumacher’s penchant for colored neon lighting, which has basically been his signature lighting style since he made FLATLINERS (oh, how I hate that movie).

Now, let’s imagine that a woman filmmaker had helmed the piece of steaming crap that is BATMAN AND ROBIN. Know what would have happened? Since the film still made money, maybe she would have gotten another shot at a big budget film. Maybe. But what would happen if that next film tanked at the box office?

You would never hear from her again.

What happens to Joel Schumacher?

He’s made three films since BATMAN AND ROBIN: 8MM, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, and THE NUMBER 23. They all sucked and they all tanked at the box office. And yet Schumacher is currently shooting a fourth film, and this incompetent asshole has a fifth and sixth in pre-production.

How does this happen?

The fact is, Hollywood is only slightly less sexist today than it was back in the John Wayne era. (And if you don’t believe me, correspond with some women directors some time. Find their websites or myspace pages, clip this bit of my article, and send them an email. Tell me if they don’t say I’m right on.)

Maybe after the debacle that was NUMBER 23, maybe… just… maybe, you would think, Schumacher is finished. Maybe he’ll go back to his true calling, which is to sit in a bar somewhere and bore the hell out of people with self-obsessed, idiotic rants about “how deep it all is,” just before stealing tips from underneath empty glasses. But there is no justice in the world, apparently.

Who will save us?

Okay, it’s time for me to calm down a bit. Soon you will read a much more positive rant as I list…

The Five Best Scenes from a Comic Book Movie

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