Ten Excuses for Lindsay Lohan to Drive By

Posted by Maggie Van Ostrand (maggie@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 28, 2007

Geez, anybody’d drink if they were constantly chased by gutter press and stand-by cops just waiting for Lindsay’s curb-slamming. Little Lindsay would be pushing up daisies by now if gun barrels were pointed at her instead of camera lenses.

Unlike Paris Hilton who does nothing and does it well, Lindsay Lohan can act, though we’ve seen no evidence of that since forever ago. What Lohan doesn’t do well is come up with rational excuses for really bad driving.

To help her out, Film School Rejects has a few suggestions for the next time she’s chosen to be designated driver by her snooty friends.

1. “Sorry officer, but my order for a self-parking car has not been delivered yet.”

She could have bought a self-parking Toyota Prius instead of a Mercedes-Benz and insisted it was the car’s fault. How could she be held responsible if, in the car’s judgment, the curb was further away than it sensed?

2. “Officer, you don’t understand. I hate myself and want to die die die.”

She could have said she wanted to commit Benzicide because she was despondent at being the Big Two-Oh, but selflessly changed her mind at the last second because there were others in the car. Had she said that, she would have a mantle of nobility hanging over her instead of just a hang over.

3. “It’s not my fault. My publicist, made me do it.”

She could have said she read the reviews of “Georgia Rule” and advance comments on “I Know Who Killed Me,” currently in post production.

4. “I didn’t graduate rehab, but I’ll take an equivalency test.”

She could have claimed that her drive-thru rehab gig lasting but a few hours failed to sober her up so it has to be their fault, not hers.

5. “The public loves me when I act this way.”

And the public must be right because she’s #3 on IMDb’s Moviemeter, beating out Brad Pitt who’s only #8.

6. “I wanted to know why mothers are against drunk driving.”

She could have claimed that she wants to be Celeb Spokesperson for MADD and wanted to check out what they actually disliked about drunk driving. After all, hitting a curb is hardly the same as hitting a pedestrian, unless the curb sues.

7. “I’ve been immunized by NYPD against traffic violations by reason of Paris Hilton.”

Everybody knows the two of them have much in common competitively speaking: both failed at rehab, both lust for media coverage, and Lindsay simply could not bear being one-upped in the Behind Bars coverage Paris is getting lately.

8. “I did it for my art.”

She’s adding material to her drunkalog to make life more exciting in case a biopic is in the future.

9. “I did it for Wiki.”

She could have claimed that she did it just to update her page in Wikepedia, which has a special section called “DUI Charges.”

10. “I’ve been meaning to contact Paula Greenfield because I need to feel good about myself and have the fans love me.”

Greenfield is vice president of The Celebrity Source, one of several Los Angeles-based agencies that links errant celebrities to perception-reversing charitable causes.

Being a spokesperson for anything at all worthy is a great way to turn around the public’s negative conceptions. It certainly didn’t hurt former blood-drinking-Billy-Bob-Thornton-wife Angelina Jolie, now affiliated with the U.N. Refugee Agency; former dominant and deadly diva Sharon Stone, now affiliated with AMFAR (American Foundation for Aids Research); or former “IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou” motormouth Mel Gibson, now affiliated with children’s hospitals and Declare Yourself (a non-profit agency enlisting young voters).

FSR sincerely hopes Lindsay will take our advice to heart because, well, she’s pretty, we actually like her, and we don’t want her drunk, disabled, or dead.

Read more articles by Maggie Van Ostrand