Ten Deadly Inanimate Objects And The Movie Badasses That Put Them To Use

Posted by Fat Guys at the Movies (fatguys@filmschoolrejects.com) on September 10, 2007

We saw Shoot ‘Em Up this week, and like everyone else who has seen it, we said, “I wish I could do that with a carrot!” That got us to thinking of all the other inanimate objects that movie badasses have used to kill (or at least try to kill) others.

So we came up with ten of the best ones. To make the list, these things needed to be non-weapons, or at the very least, they couldn’t be something that too many people used as a weapon. No chain saws. No crow bars. No knives and guns. Those weapons are for pussies. Check out these badass deadly inanimate objects.

Flame on!

Book, used by Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) in The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Those who live by the sword, die by the sword. Those who kick ass in a book, kick ass in a movie with a book. Jason Bourne is the king of using improvised weapons, and his use of a hardcover book was awesome to dispatch an assassin. It makes us rethink those “no weapons allowed” flyers they post outside of libraries and schools.

Tin cup, used by Riddick (Vin Diesel) in The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)

Well, it wasn’t the greatest science fiction action piece to come down the pike, but it was fun to watch Riddick kill a prisoner with a tin cup… right after he told him he was going to do it. Attica! Attica! Attica!

Fire hose, used by Frank Martin (Jason Statham) in Transporter 2 (2005)

Another master of using found items for weapons is Frank Martin from the Transporter films. And in the second movie, it wasn’t just cool that he used a fire hose as a weapon, but he also used it to procure other found items as weapons.

Corn cob, used by Mary Brady (Alice Krige) in Sleepwalkers (1992)

The “Cop kabob!” line might be more memorable after Charles Brady (Brian Krause) stabs a sheriff’s deputy in the ear, but it was his mother’s deft use a of partially-eaten corn cob that won us over.

Carrot, used by Smith (Clive Owen) in Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)

What’s up, doc? Smith might say a carrot is up… right in your optic nerve. Who knew carrots could be so deadly? Not only doe she use them to stab people, but he uses them to shoot guns.

Television, used by Henry and Otis in Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986), Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street III (1987) and Michael Myers in Halloween (2007)

You wouldn’t think that a television would be such an effective killing device, but it shows up again and again as a weapon. Is this Hollywood trying to be symbolic? Or is it just fun to watch the sparks fly?

Paper clip, used by The Breather (Richard Brando) in Student Bodies (1981)

In the wake of all the early 80s slasher films, we were introduced to The Breather in this 1981 spoof. Sure, people have used paper clips before as weapons, but none were this funny.

Peanut, used by Bullseye (Colin Farrell) in Daredevil (2003)

Again, this movie isn’t that great, but it is probably the best performance so far by Colin Farrell. And the fact that he 86′d an annoying airplane passenger with a single peanut won our respect. We wish we could do that.

Hat, used by Odd Job (Harold Sakata) in Goldfinger (1964)

It’s about time that a James Bond film shows up on this list. The greatest normal object that could be used to kill in this franchise comes from one of the first films. Who wouldn’t want a hat like this?

Swedish-Made Penis-Enlarger Pump, used by Austin Powers (Mike Myers) in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

If Odd Job can make the list, then the death of Random Task can be up here too. Who would have thought such an item could be a weapon. I guess if you had to go, it could be worse.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Frying pan, used in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Yeah, this is an easy improv for a weapon, but it looked cool in Kill Bill, and who can deny Marion Ravenwood’s badass nature?

Knitting needle, used by Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) in Halloween (1978), A knitting needle in the eye would have killed a normal human being… but you can’t walk away from an almost-dead Michael Myers.

Parachute, used by President Marshall (Harrison Ford) in Air Force One (1997), He could have shot the terrorist. He could have pushed him out of the plane. But Ford as the Badass Commander in Chief chose to use an erupting parachute to break the bad Russian dude’s neck.

Sex, used by Rebecca Carlson (Madonna) in Body of Evidence (1993), Technically, sex isn’t an inanimate object, although the character of Carlson was prosecuted for murder using sex in the film. Of course, we could say that Madonna’s vagina was the inanimate object, but historic evidence has proved that this is far from inanimate.

Do you have a great idea for a “Ten List” that you’d like to see the Fat Guys at the Movies discuss?

Drop a line to fatguys@filmschoolrejects.com.

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