Opinions

Superbad: A Preemptive Review

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 16, 2007

Oh, sure, I could wait until tomorrow and actually see the film and then review it, but then you wouldn’t have the benefit of my opinion until tomorrow, when the film is actually released–at which time you could very well go and see it for yourself and write your own damn review.

The fact is, I’ve been trying every way from Sunday to get an advance screening of this film, but I can’t get anyone to help me out. I have a little problem with the local theater chains and film publicity people here in my hometown–all stemming from an incident that might as well have happened a hundred friggin’ years ago at an advance screening of Joss Whedon’s Serenity. And it was really totally not my fault. I mean, I didn’t know at the time that Joss Whedon fans were so creepy. I’d been enjoying “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Firefly” from the comfort of my… I had a reaction. It’s over. How long must I be punished?

So here’s a rundown of what my reaction to this film will be after it is officially released:

First off, I will be accompanied by my faithful companions, root beer and popcorn (with extra butter to the tune of, “No. More butter. Nope. Still more. Keep going. I’ll tell you when. Did I say when? I said I would tell you when. I wasn’t lying. I see it leaking out of the bottom of the carton. I still didn’t say when. Just keep going until the kernels float, please”). I will finish both off long before the movie has started. Because when I laugh too hard while eating popcorn, I have a tendency to choke and almost die. In fact, it was during a screening of The 40-Year Old Virgin when I choked on a piece of popcorn and actually did die. But, to paraphrase Monty Python, I got better.

But that’s another story. Back to Superbad:

I will have arrived at the theater at least 45 minutes early, and will have been at the front of the line waiting for the pimply-faced teenage ushers to clean out the theater from the previous showing of the film. I’m sure this is a nightmare for these eager but bleary-eyed employees–what with people laughing so hard they puke all over the floor and all.

I will be annoyed by stupid movie trivia before the film starts, and I will be aggravated by commercials prior to the showing of the trailers. I will see one trailer that looks very good and two that make me think Hollywood execs are all smoking Drano.

And then Superbad will start.

Holy crap! Only five minutes in and I’m already laughing! Awesome!

Ten minutes in and I’m still laughing! Now I’m coughing–a byproduct of my acid reflux disease. Too much butter and laughter.

Did I just say, “Too much butter and laughter?” Did I really just say that–as if it were possible? Isn’t that like saying, “Too much raunchy sex with Angelina Jolie and her hot slut neighbor?”

Anyway, so now things have tapered off a bit, and I’m down to a couple of chuckles every minute or so. I tip up my popcorn carton to suck down the last of the butter.

Flash forward to the end credits and my chest is sore from all of my uncontrolled cackling. Now that’s what comedy should be all about.

I’ve been told since I’m reviewing a movie I haven’t actually seen yet, I’m not allowed to use the standard Film School Rejects grading scale. This might give someone the impression that I’m reviewing a movie I’ve actually seen. So here’s how it all breaks down by its individual elements, on a scale of 1 - 10, with a final score (not an average) given at the end:

Will have been bringing the funny: 10

Will have featured engaging characters: 10

Will have caused me to get a lump in my throat at least once (because it will have been so chock full of heart, and I’m sort of a wuss): 10

Will have featured Seth Rogan: 10 (Really, I can’t tell you how awesomely this film will have featured Seth Rogan!)

Will have been unapologetically raunchy: 11

And that, of course, gives us our final score of 12, making Superbad pretty much the most awesomely spectabulous comedy ever.

Also, even though Superbad will have been R-rated and quite nasty at times, I would recommend this film for the whole family, because an awful lot of you parents really need to lighten up. (But don’t bring your screaming brats to any theaters in my home town tomorrow because I’ll complain to an usher and have them removed.)