Six Reasons Carmen Sandiego Should Find the Silver Screen

Posted by Joshua Martin (joshua@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 22, 2007

Where is Carmen Sandiego could have been one of the most formative franchises ever. I would wreck on 5th grade Geography because Carmen would always be hiding in Cairo, Egypt. But, why has it translated to music, TV, and other pop culture but not movies? Mostly that the people who write the movies, are monkeys with typewriters. I firmly believe this is one of the biggest ball drops since The Oregon Trail stopped getting made.

How many times did you find yourself, dodging axes from VILE henchman wielding axes thrown at you, because you got too close. Ruth Less or Sarah Nade would have stolen the sphinx and it was your mission to bring it back! Creating a warrant, and trying to bring that bitch in. However, she was always so hot, and it was like you could never catch her, and her voice was always… borderline phone sex operator hot.

Why hasn’t this been made into a movie you ask? There was one attempt with Sandra Bullock in 1997 (who would have been excellent casting) honestly, but it fell through for no good reason. Now is the time to strike, while the iron is hot. I will give you definitive reasons why Carmen Sandiego needs to go into production.

1. Because the Oregon Trail couldn’t be made into a movie. If I can’t get dysentery, or lose a wagon wheel and 5 days, then I want the next best thing. Carmen Sandiego was fun. It was something you got into with little commitment and knew how it’d end but you didn’t care. The perfect movie, you know what it is and isn’t and it doesn’t apologize for it’s self. Carmen would escape in the end. That’s how it has to be, and no one would feel bad if it happened. You’d root for this badgirl!
2. Angelina Jolie now exists in bad ass form. If she could channel her Mrs. Smith body and style she’d be the perfect woman for it. Tall, busty brunette, smooth and sexy. She personifies who you’d root for too. The gumshoe could be Chris Evans, give him an opportunity to be a little dapper in a suit and go upscale spy movie. He’s got it in him, and anytime I could see Jolie as a sultry spy, you can sign me up for.
3. Hot women movies always rock. When a girl dresses up like a badass, and kicks ass or long periods of time, men applaud. Women feel a sense of feminism and love that too. It feeds the egos of both sexes while still delving into an awesome movie which is a simple make.
4. We’ve not seen women really play the bad spy with success, and she’s the quintessential thief. We all root for Carmen Sandiego even though she promotes villainy worldwide. She’s hot, and smart, and her henchmen are classic. They could be the bumbling bad guys we all root for, but still be ultraphysical. Think Bourne Identity, with much more upper class and stealthery.
5. It couldn’t suck worse than the show. That show was a colossal disaster, it sucked so bad I can’t even tell you. The show was a big fat smothering bowl of suck, with a side order of hash-crap. We all watched it, because you wanted to see someone get their huffy white heat, or a boombox with new cassette decks. Man did that suck worse than a $2.15 Donkey Show I saw in Tijuana once. I’ve seen much better Donkey Shows before.
6. It could go on forever, Time, Space, American history, mathematics. Do you remember how many spin off games their was. This could be the new female James Bond, except more badass, and evil. This could be the anti-hero series we root for, and that’s awesome. I totally cheer for the bad girls, mmmm bad girls.

I can’t think of more reasons why other than, I said so. Because if I’m going to watch my entire childhood relived, because the 80’s sucked so bad. I at least want to make the correct choices as to what I’m going to be forced to see. I’d see Carmen Sandiego.

Read more articles by Joshua Martin