Six Actors Who Would Suck as Indiana Jones

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 23, 2008

Earlier this week, Cin City 2000 made the case for Nathan Fillion to be the next Indiana Jones ala the James Bond franchise. Not long afterwards, FSR’s own Josh Radde gave his picks for whom he thought could wear the Fedora in a rejuvenation of the series.

Call me crazy, but when I hear even the suggestion of tossing the reins (or the whip, rather) to another actor, the hair on the back of my neck stands up in terror. It’s not that I don’t think it could be done. More, I worry about the utterly ludicrous suggestions that are going to come from brain-dead studio executives.

Of course, I could get ridiculous with this concept. After all, think about Steven Seagal, Danny DeVito, Andy Dick or Pauley Shore. They would all make awful Indiana Joneses, but they will never be seriously considered by the studio.

I decided to take a more realistic approach. Here is a look into our dark future. These are actors that would be terrible as Indiana Jones, but you know that someone somewhere is going to seriously suggest them to inherit the Fedora…

Matthew McConaughey

Like Ford’s alter ego Han Solo, one of the things that makes Indiana Jones so notable is his ability to be a bit of a scoundrel. And yes, McConaughey can play the scoundrel, but he would just load on the cheese as Indiana Jones. Let’s not forget that he’s tried the Indiana Jones style with the bomb Sahara, and was only decent in this year’s Fool’s Gold as a rugged treasure hunter. But seriously, imagine Dr. Jones with that Texas drawl. It’d be a disaster.

Hayden Christensen

Josh Radde suggested Ewan McGregor, and I think that could fly. But you know that Christensen’s name is going to be thrown around at Lucasfilm. After all, old Georgie thought he’d be perfect for Anakin Skywalker, and we know how that turned out. And considering Jumper was a hit, Hollywood thinks the kid has acting credibility. But if Christensen got the role, there’d be a lot of people rooting for the Nazis in the next movie.

Will Smith

Here’s where I have to part ways with Radde, who put Smith on his list for possible Ford replacements. And I will agree that Smith has a lot of charisma with an audience, but not as the rugged scoundrel of Indiana Jones. Ultimately, he would try to tag himself as a producer and demand to do his own special brand of humor. Remember I, Robot? If he gets the whip, we’ll have I, Archeologist.

Colin Farrell

I remember before Daniel Craig was tapped to be the next James Bond, Farrell’s name was tossed around with a whole host of others. And as bad of a choice as he’d be for Bond, he’d be worse for Indiana Jones. Yeah, he’s good looking and great for the ladies, but he’s just too pretty to make the cut. And sure, he can do an American accent, but I just couldn’t watch him in the part without thinking of Daredevil and Miami Vice… and then throwing up in my mouth.

Brad Pitt

Fortunately, he’s getting up there in years, so he might be off the table if they want to make a long string of movies. Pitt is just out of reach of the role, and one of the biggest reasons he won’t work is that he’s too recognizable as Brad Pitt. But ultimately, his brand of cool doesn’t quite fit the scoundrel, adventurer professorial type.

Matt Damon

With no more Bourne books to adapt, I’d hope they’ll write new scripts for Matt Damon, or the studios might consider him for the role. And yes, he can do action. Yes, he brought Jason Bourne to light. But along with his home town buddy Ben Affleck, he’d be a laughable Indiana Jones. The only highlight is that maybe Sarah Silverman could sing the song, “I’m F*$king Indiana Jones.”

Talking point: Who do you think would make the worst Indiana Jones replacement?

Read more articles by Kevin Carr